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big bro (very long)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jonathan, Jan 10, 2008.

  1. Jonathan

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    I know that this has nothing to do with coming out or anything of that nature, but I just needed some advice and didn't know where else to go. Well I just had about 1-2 hour talk with my older brother. He and his girlfriend are having problems and to be honest there is so much that is messed up in their relationship. I have to say that I do not think their relationship is a healthy one at all. They both are at fault, but I guess I'll just start with her. To begin with, she's one of the most paranoid people I have ever seen. She just has to every little thing that my brother does. She wants to know who he talks to, what they talk about and just other things like that, which I have no idea why she needs to know. She has to like keep track of him all the time. She even has his myspace password, so she can check on that. At christmas for example, they were not together, my brother was here with us and she stayed at her house to spend christmas with her family. It didnt quite work out...my brother was like on the phone the whole day becuase she was "bored". Everything has to be like her way. An example of this would be my brothers profession. He is currently studying to become a firefighter. Well, she told him that she didnt want him to be a firefighter becuase she didnt want to live that kinda life (with him living at the firehouse for a few days) and she even threatened to break him...(she does that alot). My brohter was a big bears fan, and he didnt watch a single game becuase she doesnt like them. And she didnt want him to watch them by himself cuz she wanted them to have a team that they could root for together...and of course that had to be her team. She also has a tendancy to look down at ohter people (her father has a successful law firm). She has talked about them getting an apartment together, but she refers to it as her apartment. There was one time when she was over, they were downstairs watching tv and my brother was eating. She asked him then that when they had their own apartment, during dinner, would he rather talk to her or watch tv. He told her that he would rather talk to her, but it wasnt a big deal if the tv was on. She told him to pick one or the other. He told her that this was a dumb thing to argue about. She grabbed his food threw it the floor and stormed out. She has also informed him that when they have kids that she wants him to be a stay home dad... They have broken up once before and when he did she started banging her head against the brick wall (they were outside). They remained seperated for a week before getting back together. Her parents took her to a therapist, but she only went a few times beofe stopping. She has also purposely scratched her face before by tearing at it with her nails. I guess I'll try and move to my brother now. He used to lie to her a lot. And when he finally came out and told her all he lied about, thats when she became really paranoid (he never lied about anything big). My brother has also not acted the best way in certain situations. When she started hitting her head against the wall, he tried to stop her and was yelling at her like "what the fuck are you doing!" and in the end he stormed off (my mom had come by that time and was trying to calm her). So he kinda abandoned her in a time of need. They spend too much time together. Like I mentioned before she likes to be in control, however my btohter is partly to blame. Most of her friends are guys and most of them like her as more than just a friend, and my brother doesnt like her hanging out with them becuase of this. I should mention that both my parents and her parents have heard them fight and yell at each other. Her mom has problems too. Her mom once had a boyfriend who tried to kill her with a shotgun (obviously a tramatizing experience). Well one time (i dont know when) her mom tried to slit her wrist because she said she didnt want to live to see her daughter go through what she went through (she thought that their relationship was more violent then it was, she also suffers from paranoia). The parents...the brings up antoher problem. My brother is not really welcome at my dad's house (my parents are divorced). For the first like year that they were going out, my brother and her did not spend time with the family. So when they finally did, it was awkward, which led to fights, which led to my brohter moving back to my moms house. And now, the situation is not good. When we went to Navy Pier during winter break, my dad was the only one who would talk to them. My step mom and my two step sisters just ignored them. My brother and her, there relationship wasnt always like this, and my brother stills loves her but he doesnt know what to do, and he came to me for advice, and we talked but I didnt really know what to tell him. I need to advice on what to tell him. And I just want to thank u if you took the time to read this whole long thing.
     
  2. Martin

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    Hmmm, that sounds more like a prison sentence than a relationship. :confused:

    It is clear that this girl is not doing anything to help herself, and it's unfair that she should take advantage of your brother because he cares about her. It seems like it has spread into a big family problem now so somebody really does need to act. If your brother risks losing contact with his family because of her then he could end up alone. It seems to me like this girl is not going to let your boyfriend have a normal relationship, and she will carry on threatening him and acting spoilt until he breaks up with her or something bad happens causing a split.

    I suggest you tell your brother to either get out of the relationship now or try and get her help. He may love and care for her, but it will only get harder the longer he tries to keep it working. The longer they're together, the more damage she can do. Your brother needs to make a decision, because no matter what decision he makes somebody will get upset by it. He can't please his family while pleasing his girlfriend (if she is capable of being), so he really needs to make a decision now while thinks aren't as serious as they could become if he was to delay.
     
  3. CrimsonThunder

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    She sounds like one of those crazy bitches that I hate so much.

    Also reminds me of one of the scenes in the myspace movie!

    I would recommend he breaks up with her, but it seems hes too cowardly to do so.
     
  4. Hydrogen

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    If I were your brother, I would become a firefighter, and volunteer to work overtime so I was away for weeks at a time...
     
  5. Louise

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    Gosh Crimson Thunder you are being very harsh today. Sorry if I am being a bit bossy mumsy here but you can say that kind of thing in a nicer way :icon_sad:

    Having said that I think that this woman has a LOT of bagage and probably needs long term therapy, support and possibly medication to help her deal with her feelings of inadequacy that make her behave like this.

    I think your brother has two choices, both require him to stand up to his girlfriend whatever the consequences; either he can stick with her and insist that she gets professional medical and psychiatric help or he can walk away.

    I don't know what has damaged this woman in this way but it would certainly take one hell of a man to be able to help her through this, especially as she doesn't seem to recognise that she needs help.

    You said that your brother abandoned her in a time of need, well lets face it here, what man wouldn't have walked away. No offence guys but there are very few men, straight men at any rate, that know how to deal with an hysterical female.

    From the outside, the best thing that your brother could do is to leave this woman. That is easy for me to say he may be deeply in love with her, I don't know, but if he is going to stay he is going to have to get her to accept help otherwise it will destroy him and rip apart your family.

    Hope I have been of some help.
     
  6. davo-man

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    That's a tough situation, esp since you aren't the one directly involved, ie your bro. I agree with Louise in that he has two choices, either stay and help her, or leave her, with both choice being pretty darn hard. I think he should leave her, because she is going to be a drain on his life, taking away a lot of what he is (ie firefighting, the team supporting etc). I know it may be hard for him, but I think that would be the best in the long run.

    The only prob is that the person asking for advice isnt him. I mean, how much can a younger brother do in a situation? I think you just need to support him when he needs support, and if he decides to stay with her, support his decision and try to accept her.

    (As a side note, Louise has returned! So let me be the first to say, welcome back and hope you had a good Christmas and New Year!)
     
  7. Louise

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    Off topic but thank you Davo-man. Let's say I had a Christmas and leave it at that, glad to be back here. I have been following a bit through Janvier who has been very active here over the last few weeks, ie naughty pics of him in only a towel :eusa_naug

    Back to topic. I didn't really like to say but I agree with Davo-man, it would definately be best for your brother if he leaves this woman because she can only bring him down. People who need a great deal of care and careful handling use you up and suck you dry untill there is nothing left. In a healthy relationship there is give and take. If you only ever give and never get anything back, or very little the relationship is doomed from the start.
     
  8. panda

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    Dump her.Walk away.Save yourself.Run.Abandon ship.Move to Australia with no forwarding address.
    The woman has serious mental problems.Your brother is not a doctor.
    Some thought has to be given to the mental state of your brother that he would choose to have a relationship with such a dysfunctional personality.
     
  9. Jim1454

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    It's not a healthy relationship at all. They both need to start over with someone new. That would be my opinion.
     
  10. CrimsonThunder

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    I like to call it straight to the point, with 99% sugar free. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  11. Dizzy

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    I agree with Louise totally apart from this bit:

    Does no one else find this really sexist? Not to mention sexuality-ist. It is probably true that most men would have less of a chance to know what to do than most women, but saying few men could do it? Either you are saying that men are useless at dealing with emotional problems, or that woman are so emotionally f-ed up that when they are upset they are in a crazy state that only someone who can emphathise with the poor girl can lift them out of. Either way, sexist to one gender or the other.

    And the less said about the "straight men at any rate" the better...
     
  12. Wired106

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    Ya, like what some people have said, that relationship is definately not healthy. and let's say they were going out for like 2 years and they are already fighting, then imagine if they got married had kids and were with each other 24/7 and it was 10 years later... They probably would have been filled with arguements and would most likely get divorced and cause additional problems with the children. I think your brother definately has to break up with her and just move on with life. There could be a huge problem to come if he doesn't break up now and ends up having kids and then breaking up.. aka has to pay child support until his 18, and much more to that. He should break up unfortunately.
     
  13. davo-man

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    Hmm, I can see where you are coming from, but from my personal experience (which is in no way scientific proof) I know very few if any men that can deal with a woman who is crying/hysterical about something. I know for a fact that I'm terrible at comforting a woman in a time of need like this. That said, I'm sure there are many men out there that are good at this (otherwise there wouldnt be any male counsellors), but as I said, there a few men that I know that are good at comforting women
     
  14. Jonathan

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    I'll start off by thanking you for taking the time to read that long thing and for all the advice. You basically covered what I told him. I told him that she should either go back and continue her therepy or that she has to get medication to help her. I also told him that she has to realize that it is not always going to be her way, she has to learn to compromise, that a relationship is 50-50 not 75-25.

    I re-read my earlier post and realized that basically everything I said was focusing on the negative of their relationship and that I didn't mention any of the postive things. Their relationship is not always bad. They do get along some of the time and they have a lot of fun with each other and make each other laugh. They do also have a lot of happy memories (like a bahamas trip). And though she does try to be controlling, like with trying to tell him not to be a firefighter, like a day later she would come back and apolgize for doing it, that it wasnt right and she's sorry about it. And though the situation with my dad's side of the family is bad, it is nothing like that on my mom's side. When they are over here, they actually do spend a lot of time with the family. We have watched alot of movies together, they have played countless games with my 8 year old little brother and we have done wierd stuff like having a pumpkin seed fight on holloween (throwing pumpkin seeds at each other lol). They get along greatly with the family at mom's house. Not everything in their relationship is bad.
     
    #14 Jonathan, Jan 10, 2008
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2008