i just came out to my now ex girlfriend and my family and life hasnt been better. but now that i can actually feel good about my sexual attractions i feel like i have to almost "come out" again. im 21 and im sexually attracted to older men that can be as old as 60. its not a emotional attraction, im sexually attracted to grey hair. Is it common for this kind of a attraction. i keep reading that they are only there to take advantage of and use younger people. but how can i be used when i want the sex just as much. ive been talking to a really handsome man who is 62. we've become close friends over the internet and we want to meet up because he lives relatively close. he hasnt been pressuring me for sex at all but i want it. i guess i want to be true to myself but im scared of being used. i guess i want to ask is it common for older men to use younger men? im asking for advice on what to do when meeting up. what are some ways i can make sure im protected
Most of this is entirely outside of my experience but I'll awnser what I can. Since you are both consenting adults, if you have the same expectations from the relationship than it isn't using. Using would be for example him playing on your emotions to get you to have sex, even though he doesn't really like you. As I said if you both have the same expectation than I don't think it's an issue. As for the other parts I have no idea.
If it's just about the sex for both of you, then I'd agree that you're not really being used. But I'd ask why you aren't also looking for an emotional connection to the person you're going to have sex with? It makes the whole situation a lot more enjoyable and intimate if you can also connect on an emotional level.
Be careful, there are a lot of predators online, having sex isn't the only possible problem, there's also a risk of the predator being a murderer/locking you in a room or something, while it's unlikely you will be murdered it's still a possibility, so be very careful. While it is unusual to have an attraction to people with such an age gap, it is not wrong at all. All the best.
I'm confused. You say this: And then you say this: If you DO want an emotional connection, and for this to be more of a 'relationship' than just casual sex, then I think there is a problem. Especially if you don't want him to know that. Relationships between people who are so different in age have a built in imbalance to them that isn't usually healthy. Why do you think you feel this way? If you're just coming out, why not consider dating people your own age? You haven't eve tried doing that from the sounds of it. You'd have WAY more in common and over the long run it would be a much healthier and balanced relationship. What do you think is behind this attraction to (much) older men?
Almost without fail, when someone in their early 20s or younger feels a strong attraction to someone significantly older (late 30s or beyond), there's something going on beyond what's on the surface. Most commonly, it's an unconscious attraction not to the person himself, but what the person represents. For example, in many cases, younger people attracted to older ones are seeking out a connection to a father that they never had growing up, or a father that was emotionally distant or otherwise unavailable. There are a lot of problems that arise with these sorts of relationships. For one, the two parties are at completely different parts of their lives and so there are inherent incompatibilities. Additionally, there is a huge, unresolvable power imbalance because the older person has 40 years more life experience, in most cases has substantially more money, and various other factors that make it nearly impossible to have an emotionally healthy and balanced relationship. The younger person ends up emotionally and sometimes financially dependent on the older person, which creates an unhealthy codependence in the relationship instead of a healthier interdependence. And, of course, the relationship is equally unhealthy for the older person. This is someone old enough to be your grandfather, not your partner. Anyone older who is seeking out an intimate relationship with someone young enough to be his son or grandson is not emotionally healthy. Finally, having worked with a *lot* of teens and young adults, I can tell you that the standard MO for these older guys is to claim "they only want to be friends" and keep up that charade for weeks or sometimes months, all the time subtlely grooming the younger person to give in to becoming sexually intimate. And in many cases, the young person doesn't even realize what's going on. I don't like to rain on anyone's parade, but this just isn't a situation that's likely to be emotionally healthy for you in the long term. He could be the 1 in 1000 that genuinely wants to be a mentor and friend... but, statistically speaking, that isn't likely.
