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I need to be sure...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by dkny, May 23, 2012.

  1. dkny

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    Hi everyone,

    I’m a 22 year old Chinese male. Ever since I was little (maybe 8 or 9) I was attracted to guys. The earliest memory was of me sitting in a train with my parents and across from us was this hunky American jock wearing a wife beater with his beefy muscles sticking out. I remember thinking about how hot he is and how hot his wife must be. My attractions continued and I discovered gay porn. I’ve always been embarrassed about it (I find myself turning off the monitor when looking at porn, turning to another channel whenever a hot guy was shirtless on the TV screen when someone else was in the room with me).

    In middle school, I remember keeping a list of all the guys I thought were hot and fantasizing about them. I would look forward to lunch time where I would pick the hottest guy to sit across from and play footsy with in shorts (weird I know…)
    As for my encounters with females, I do remember “liking” some. But I believe it was under peer pressure. For example, I remember male classmates asking me who I liked and I would pick some girl who I thought was pretty so that I can get away with more questions. Thinking back, I don’t think I had that much confidence in myself with the ladies…

    But anyways in high school, I was “going out” (more like hanging out) with this girl who I thought I liked but for some reason I was embarrassed by the thought of being in a relationship (my family wasn’t really for having relationship while in school…and still isn’t). We never kissed. I thought it was discussing to put my mouth on hers. She broke it off with me since I didn’t really make a move and she didn’t think I dedicated enough time for her. She ended up dating a few other guys in my school…which made me feel a little used. The thought of her breaking up with me and not the other way around made me feel inferior.

    After that experience, I wanted to fulfill my fantasies so I hooked up with guys online and have sexually tried everything. Right now, I have this wonderful boyfriend and I feel emotionally and sexually in love with him. However, the thought of telling my friends and coming out to everyone is still frightening. For example, introducing him to someone as my boyfriend is pretty daunting too.

    I came out to my family about two years ago (before I met my bf). They were very concerned and wanted to help…but their form of help was to help me change (so that I can like girls). At that point, they said they’ll do whatever it takes to help me (my sister even said that she will support me no matter what). But when I told them about my boyfriend about two months ago and they completely flipped. My sister said she wouldn’t consider me her brother if I was gay. My other sister attacked me physically. Long story short, my dad made it clear now that he understands that I cannot change. But he also wants me to understand that he cannot accept the fact that I’m gay. Given that, he proposed a solution: for me to stop seeing my boyfriend and to not be in a relationship for as long as I’m in school. The purpose of that would be so I can “focus” in school and possibly change my sexual orientation. I objected since I value the relationship I have with my boyfriend and that I don’t think I CAN change my orientation.

    I know that my family loves me and doesn’t want me to have a hard life as a gay man. I love them, but also my boyfriend. I guess I just want to be sure that I AM gay so I don’t end up regretting later in life.
     
  2. rx79g

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    If you have a boyfriend and are happy with him romanticaly and sexually than you definetly aren't straight. Judging by what you've said about girls, I'd say you're gay and just doubting yourself because of your family. Btw I'm really sorry about how they reacted. Do what make you happy, and that seems to be dating guys and therefore being gay. If you're happy it is not a mistake.
     
  3. Jim1454

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    Um... You're gay. You don't really have any doubts, do you?

    Even if you're not, what difference does it make? How would having a boyfriend now (who you love and who makes you happy) create a situation that you would 'regret later in life'?!?
     
  4. dkny

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    My doubts come in when I think about my experiences with girls and maybe I just haven't met the right ones.

    I would be giving up my family and the prospect of having kids and a wife and living a normal life. I think (soon) if I don't comply to my parents wishes with breaking up with him, there is a chance that they'll kick me out the house or something. To them, it comes down to choosing family or my bf. :bang:

    ---------- Post added 23rd May 2012 at 01:27 PM ----------

    They want me to propose a solution... one which makes both myself and my family happy. My dad proposed the "waiting after my studies are over" plan which means breaking up with my bf. I said I don't think that's going to happen because I love him. Is there a way for both my parents (family) and myself to be happy?
     
  5. Lad123

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    For now I think you should lie to your family about breaking up with your bf just to stay at home and continue your studies without any problems. Then once you have graduated and found a job and have some funds to spare to move out, you can tell your family that you are gay and plan to stay that way. I know it sucks but the situation you are in now is quite dangerous because judging from what you wrote, your parents may kick you out?
     
  6. super confused

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    I'd say that if there is both sexual and romantic love between you and your boyfriend, you're gay.

    Oh, and, about getting embarrassed about watching porn, don't worry about it. I'm gay, and that happens to me, too. Some people just don't watch/like it. But it has nothing to do with your sexuality. NOTHING.
     
  7. BudderMC

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    I'm just gonna throw in two things you may want to think about:

    1) Is it worth it to give up your relationship with someone you know you have feelings for, just for the slim chance you find someone else you'd have to struggle to find feelings for? Think of what you'd say to your boyfriend: "I think we need to break up, because I think I might just find a girl I like if I really try." Hopefully writing it out like that makes it sound as silly to you as it does to me.

    2) There's a large difference between living a "normal" life and a "happy" life. You need to decide which is more important to you.
     
  8. lilbitlost

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    Have you tried getting your parents to read up on homosexuality? Im sure someone here could point you to some resources. Your parents need to understand that you cant change just because they want you to. I dont think you should lie to them, i also dont think you should split up with your bf. Have you discussed this yet with your bf? Maybe you could start making some plans in case your parents do kick you out.
     
  9. Sometimes giving up family is necessary.

    You can have kids by a number of different ways. For example, you can adopt or get a donor egg and surrogate mother for in vitro fertilization.

    Your life is normal.

    You will not have a wife because you prefer to have a husband.

    How far are you in school?

    Lie for now.

    If I was in your situation, I would tell them that I agree to your father's "solution," but not change anything else. Continuing seeing boyfriend and stuff, but just keeping family outside of everything.

    If you like your boyfriend, you are gay.
     
  10. Jim1454

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    At 22, how much more schooling do you plan to do? While I think honesty is the best policy, you've tried that and it isn't working out for you. It's not your fault that your family is backwards and ignorant about this stuff. So lieing about it might be the best bet.

    Just say "Ya - you're right. I'll focus on my studies for now." and keep doing what you're doing. It will suck to have to keep this secret - and you'd better not get caught.

    You know, having said that, it just doesn't seem like the right advice.

    Tell your parents that you don't agree with them and see what happens. If they are really willing to throw you out, then you might have to cave in or find other means to support yourself. And it might serve your parents right if you had to drop out of school as a result - because that would likely be the last thing they'd want you to do.

    So you can go with my plan A or with my plan B. But keep us posted.
     
  11. dkny

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    It's really annoying... they went deeper into this five years thing. They don't want me to celebrate our anniversary and birthdays we need to celebrate with other people so it's not just me and him.

    ---------- Post added 24th May 2012 at 04:42 PM ----------

    @phospholipase and Jim1454: I’m starting medical/graduate school this fall.

    I think I'd be very bad at lying...
     
  12. Farouche

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    You're 22. You are not a little kid. If your parents kick you out, you will survive. It might be a good idea to look into other possible living arrangements, just to be prepared.

    Lying is an option, but if you don't like that option, don't take it.

    I'm tempted to tell you to ignore what your parents are telling you, and keep up your relationship, since you seem to be happy with it. However, that's easy for me to say, typing from way over here, knowing that I personally don't have to deal with any of the consequences. So don't take my advice too seriously.

    About your family not wanting you to have a hard life: the best thing they can do to make it easier is to be accepting of you and your boyfriend. Can you get them to understand that?