OK,so it's probably the most complicated story you have ever heard,but since this last period is more than tough for me to handle,I am in desperate need of help from experienced people upon sexuality issues. To help you understand my situation,I will take it from the very beginning,and thus,I need to say thank you in advance as well as ask for your patience. So please allow me to introduce myself:My name is Juan and I am a 23 year old guy from Argentina.Up until the age of 18,I would describe myself as an asexual person or at least as a person with not much interest upon sexual-relationship issues.For sure,during this period,there had been many girls that I kind of liked,but everytime,these girls(being the most famous and good-looking of my school) were for me "out of my league",probably because I never wanted to lose and I was always afraid of failure. By now,I think you should have understood that you deal with a control-freak,trying-to-be-perfect kind of person that never wants to lose.So,after my last year in high school(which I practically spent studying all day long in order to get in a prestigious university),I finally decided that it was high time for me to "make a relationship". To "accomplish" this and continue "with my strict schedule",I chose to hit on a girl,who was one of my best friends back then and who I knew she had feelings for me(ALWAYS playing safe).As you can imagine,this relationship didn't work out for a long time and practically ended up hurting my bestfriend's feelings and with me feeling like the worst person on the planet. Afterwards,university life came along,with many friends,parties,study hours and my popularity going up day by day.Since I am good-looking and know how to deal with people,I really had a lot of success with girls,but I would always avoid doing something more than a hook-up,since I didn't want anything like a relationship to stand in the middle of my "perfect life". And then we have one of the first things that really shocked me and changed some of my views on life.My best friend,who I have known for many years,came out of the closet and told me he is gay(I was the first person he opened to).I will never forget this moment and how much surprised I felt,since I never had the slightest doubt on his sexuality. After that,I was asking him many questions about how he realised he was gay,his past relationships and other typical things a straight person could ask.And this is practically how everything in my life started to change(though I am not sure how to associate it)...One day,I spotted a guy at the university and instantly,just out of the blue,I became something like obsessed with him.At first I was watching him everyday in the university campus(of course we were two strangers,he never understood anything),I searched him on facebook and learned every possible detail about his life(where he came from,who were his friends etc).I was LITERALLY obsessed with him though I could not understand WHY.I found out he was living really close to him,and I was hoping everyday to meet him somewhere-somehow randomly.I even started studying at the library so that I could have more chances to meet him. And then...after about a year(CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?I had this infatuation for about a YEAR) I finally got to meet him one day at the university through common friends and we started talking a lot.It was probably the strangest thing that ever happened in my life.We were talking and talking(though I knew many things already by stocking him for all this time) and we really became good friends.After some time hanging out together,I didn't feel anything(not that I can describe now what was this thing I supposedly felt before) anymore about this person that I was infatuated with for about a year.Just so you know,we have now been really good friends for about 2 years,though I would never let him know about this story(he would probably think that I am a psycho-not that I am not...)!Plus,I was hooking up with a girl he also used to like,so this would make everything even more weird. Anyway,my point is that I never wanted him sexually or so,but this story is something i REALLY cannot explain.I have never felt for a person like this in my life again,though I don't really know what it is that I felt. After that,I would check out on guys,hoping that something like this(which was painful but also exciting) would happen to me again,while at the same time I lost progressively my interest for girls.It's not that I like guys sexually(or probably I am not aware of it yet) but I want them to pay attention to me,to "admire" me and that's all.FUCKING MENTAL RIGHT??? Consequently,after all this paranoia,I convinced myself I am gay that has not accepted it yet,"forced" me to live miserably and feel guilty everytime I talk about the problems of my gay best friend from the "straight" side,while I am probably also a gay who has not admitted it to himself yet. That was my fucking crazy/mental/psycho story and I am not sure if I need help or just someone to listen..Anyway I will appreciate all your comments,though I doubt you have read all this bible-long piece of shit.. Thanks in advance.
I can relate to the beginning of your story, but I haven't experienced a crush like you talked about yet. I'm not sure how to interpret your situation. I was sexually attracted to guys from the beginning. I buried it deep inside for a long time and kind of just considered myself asexual because I didn't want to admit that I was gay. The feelings kept coming back though and finally I came to a point where I had no choice but to accept myself if I was ever going to find peace and happiness. Others here may be able to relate better. I wish you luck on your journey to figure things out. Welcome to the community and I hope you stick around.
I can certainly relate to you on this, though I have always known on some level that I am gay. I have very similar obsessive behaviors about guys that I meet. Some of them I have full-blown crushes on, some of them I feel like you do. It's rough, especially since I fail on both ends of it. But maybe you should try to talk to your gay friend about what you're experiencing. I'm certain that he'll be able to relate, and it's much better to talk these things out face-to-face with someone who cares. Good luck! (*hug*)
No one can tell you whether you're gay, straight, bisexual, or whatever flavor of the rainbow you happen to be... only you can know the answer to that question. Your experience is different from my own, though I do know of others who've had similar experiences to you. It's also not unheard of for people to realize they're gay later in life. I'm sure you know all of this already, which only makes you feel more confused and uncertain. Something about your story that kept jumping out at me was the word you kept using: "perfect". You seem to be a highly driven person, who has a very busy schedule. When do you have time just for yourself? Maybe you're constructing your life in such a way that allows you to AVOID the difficult confrontation of your sexuality. Take some time for yourself. Relax. Recently I've been reading a book called The Gifts of Imperfection, by Professor Brene Brown. She is a Professor at the University of Houston, Texas. She's spent over a decade studying shame and vulnerability. One of the issues she addresses is perfectionism. I have this same problem as you, and I am a huge perfectionist as well. However, I didn't really understand perfectionism until I read her book... and then it was a holy shit moment. My eyes were opened. Here are some important points she makes in her book. 1. Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight. 2. Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Healthy striving is self-focused—How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused—What will they think? 3. Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis. Life-paralysis refers to all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect. It’s also all of the dreams that we don’t follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others. It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist; your self-worth is on the line. 4. Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame. 5. Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception—we want to be perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable—there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying. 6. Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough. So rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right. 7. Feeling shamed, judged, and blamed (and the fear of these feelings) are realities of the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience these painful emotions and often leads to self-blame: It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because “I’m not good enough.” I can't even begin to tell you how much I identify with your perfectionist tendencies because I am exactly the same way. You should totally pick up The Gifts of Imperfection by Professor Brene Brown. In fact, you can get it on Kindle from Amazon. Also, you can check out her TED talks here at the following links: Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com Brené Brown: Listening to shame | Video on TED.com Seriously, check them out. I know this isn't exactly what you were looking for, but I think it might help you. If you are in denial about being gay then it has to be as a result of shame and vulnerability. Understanding more about them will probably help.
Thank you so much for your advice..It makes me feel better,just by seeing that there are people out there willing to listen to my story.. To Aldrick:Your answer is really valuable to me and I really appreciate it,you are just to the point.I will check for sure the videos and the book you propose,as they will probably help me address my issues. Thank you empty closets,I am still in need of your valuable advice.
