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Coming out to your current girlfriend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by DanA, May 23, 2012.

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  1. DanA

    DanA
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    I am in a pickle here.

    Right now, I have a girlfriend. I do not know how to tell her. I still have a deep love for her and I would take a bullet for her... but it's just not a romantic love. I'm very confused with my feelings for her. I want to let her down, but I don't want her crushed. I'm not looking forward to it. Is there anybody here that has been in a similar situation?
     
    #1 DanA, May 23, 2012
  2. LostFound

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    Back with my past girlfriend I went through something a little similar. I had wanted to tell her because she had become this really just fantastic friend to me and I thought I loved her but now that I looked back I was in love with the idea of being in love. Anyways we had a fight that day and were finally just lying there talking to each other after things had settled and I came out and said "I think I'm gay" I don't quite understand what gave me the courage to say it to her but I guess just having an emotional day set me in the right mindset for it. The thing was she understood and we broke up a bit after that. I say just sum up some courage and go and tell her. It's the best thing you can do and if you love her and she does love you she'll understand.... so lengthy... sorry about that... anyways thats just my 2 cents.
     
    #2 LostFound, May 23, 2012
  3. Pret Allez

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    Many gay men and lesbians have been in this situation. I must urge you that you have a moral obligation to end this relationship, and it may be extremely difficult for both of you, but it is a matter of fairness. She needs to know.

    Some people take it really hard, and I can't blame them. Other times, the relationship ends but friendship continues.

    I think that you should emphasize that you are coming from a different place now that you know who you are and that you never meant to hurt here, but that it's just not there.

    I really hope it goes well for both of you. (*hug*)
     
    #3 Pret Allez, May 23, 2012
  4. kirbycat

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    I've been the girlfriend in this situation. Except my ex didn't say he was gay when we split; all he said was "I have some issues I need to work through by myself right now." I figured things out pretty fast on my own. Even after I accepted the truth of his sexuality, I continuing resenting him for much longer over the fact that he'd been dishonest and abused my trust. It wasn't the fact that he was gay; it was the fact that he didn't honor my trust enough to explain himself, even after he knew that I knew what was going on.

    So, I guess the only advice I have to add is to just tell her straight and direct. Don't beat around the issue for fear of hurting her. Yes, it will suck - for both of you - but concealing anything will only increase the chances that your friendship won't survive. She deserves the truth.

    Good luck! I hope it goes well!
     
    #4 kirbycat, May 23, 2012
  5. DanA

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    Should I tell my best friend first? He's super tight with my gf... although, I'm sure he has an inkling already because he's been sneaking weird stuff into conversations like "boy, that Obama sure is right about same-sex marriage, lets get a beer" or like "yo, I think being gay is totally normal, don't you? Lets go frolfing!"

    I dunno, I was thinking about doing it tonight... but I don't know.
     
    #5 DanA, May 24, 2012
  6. insidehappy

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    maybe he is gay? what if frolfing? u can tell her. she will love u still. if u guys are super close for a long time, she is going to find out sooner or later.
     
    #6 insidehappy, May 24, 2012
  7. Ethan

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    I've been in this situation before and I personally believe that your girlfriend has the right to know before your friend. It directly affects her. If you want, you could come out to them at the same time to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.
     
    #7 Ethan, May 24, 2012
  8. DanA

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    Funny you mention that, because we are getting together for a game of Settlers of Catan tonight...

    Frisbee golfing... it's a blast!
     
    #8 DanA, May 24, 2012
  9. super confused

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    The longer you wait, the worse it will be...for both of you.
     
    #9 super confused, May 24, 2012
  10. Pret Allez

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    I thought it was folf, not frolf...
     
    #10 Pret Allez, May 24, 2012
  11. DanA

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    I couldn't fucking do it! FUCK! I hate myself! It's just, I'm so in love with her. Her eyes, her face, the feel of her lips, the way she holds me, the way she feels in my arms... I'm just not sexually attracted to her but I want her in my life! GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I DON'T WANT TO BE GAY! FUCK! FUCKING WHY? WHY FUCKING ME? How did I let it get this bad? If I wasn't such a fucking pussy this would have never happened and I wouldn't have to hurt her! I know she loves me and I love her but she'd be crushed and I don't want to do that to her. I want her to have everything she wants and protect her from me.

    On the way home, I pretty much had a meltdown in the car... just screaming at myself. I scared myself. I'm fine now... just mad as hell. I can't do this anymore, I just can't.

    This is really hard.

    I need to tell somebody I know I'm gay so fucking bad it hurts. I have a headache and my throat hurts...

    this sucks
     
    #11 DanA, May 24, 2012
  12. DanA

    DanA
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    Don't mean to double post.

    Sorry for the foul language... I've calmed down after I vented there and I didn't mean to sully this forum.

    I don't know how to feel right now. I mean, in a positive way, this is the first time in my life I've ever seriously attempted to come out. I knew there was going to be bumps in the road, but this is rough. I don't even want to think about my family right now if I'm having this hard of a time.

    I just feel scooped out on the inside right now. I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I can do it. Like, I'll never be the same after tonight.

    It feels good to talk (er, type) about this. I've never had a chance to vocalize my feelings to this extent before. I'm glad I seeked out a forum like this.
     
    #12 DanA, May 24, 2012
  13. Ethan

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    You know what?
    You did an absolutely wonderful job.
    No, you didn't come out. But you wanted to. You felt like you failed when you didn't.
    Look at how far you've already come along this path, and now you've actually made plans and tried to act on them.
    You didn't fail. Heck, I'm sure everybody's tried to come out and not been able to say anything.
    You're just one step closer to the real thing now, and I think you'll do great whenever you feel that that time has come.
     
    #13 Ethan, May 25, 2012
  14. DanA

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    Ugh, it feels good to hear that...

    I ended up Hulking out and ripping some cabinets out of the wall in my apartment with I got home I was so mad. I'm a little embarrassed of myself. I mean, it's nothing I can't fix but it's still such a loss of control that I've never experienced in my life and I've always prided myself on my levelheadedness. I dunno, is this normal? Like, I guess I just don't know what to do with my emotions because I've never even come close to thinking about coming out before and it's going to be coming out to somebody who will get hurt by it. On top of that, it's somebody I have deep affections for and I don't want to hurt her... but if I don't do it now, it's just going to get worse and... I just don't know what to do right now.

    Now I gotta spend my day off replacing some sheetrock...

    The whole reason I'm here is to put my feelings into words because I have nobody to talk to about it for realz. I feel like this is a healthy release in terms of me being here and able to share openly but I do need to keep myself under control. I'm like a gay Bruce Banner right now and trying to come out makes me into the Hulk.

    I'm a weird man and an emotional wreck right now.
     
    #14 DanA, May 25, 2012
  15. Ethan

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    You were pissed off at yourself for not being able to do it, and that's alright. Everybody will feel their own regret and anger at not being able to come out when they try differently.

    Now maybe the next time you feel like you want to try to come out you can look back on how you felt. :slight_smile:
    Like you said, the longer you wait the more it will hurt the both of you, so you don't have the extra relief some may feel knowing that they can put it off for a while longer.

    It's something that is very difficult to do, and I know it firsthand, but I believe that you can do it, no matter how long it takes.
     
    #15 Ethan, May 25, 2012
  16. Insomniac

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    She deserves to know the truth. Anyway you can't hide this forever , she'll find out one day and will be depressed if she realize it was a long relationship without true love she expected. Be honest and try to be supporting. You may be able to turn this to a good friendship. Tell her how much you love her and how hard it is for you to break her heart, it'll be ok...
     
    #16 Insomniac, May 25, 2012
  17. Chip

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    Dan, you're *totally* normal. Just stop and be with yourself and the feelings. (Preferably outside, where you can rip branches off a tree rather than go after the plumbing or something in your apartment...)

    There are 5 stages that everyone goes through in processing a loss (in this case the loss of your identity as "straight.") Denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. What you described is textbook classic anger (the "why me", and the acting out.) So it's normal and natural and not something to worry too much about. (Your landlord may disagree. :slight_smile:

    But seriously... you're very close to being able to tell her, and you're coming right up against the realization that once you do... there's no going back, and that's scary. But it is in those most scary places that we take our biggest growth steps. And it seems pretty clear you're ready, even though you're nervous as fuck and scared.

    I'm going to disagree with the person who said your girlfriend deserves to know first. In many cases, it's more helpful to tell a best friend, because then you have someone who can be your support as you go through it, and who you can immediately go to after it's over. Besides, it seems really clear that he already knows and is pulling as hard as he can on your closet door, so it should be a complete non-issue to tell him. (Even though, I know, it isn't.)

    The thing to remember here is, the sooner she knows, the sooner both of you can start moving on to the next stage. You can still be best friends -- one of my friends who was engaged at 20 to a girl he'd known since the beginning of high school came out to her, they cried, they talked... and they are still best of friends even though she's now married to another person, and he's in a serious relationship. Of course, no guarantee that you'll have the same experience, but if you care about each other, likely that will happen.

    So... keep sharing what you're feeling here... think it through... find a safe way to let the anger out... and when you do tell her, you'll feel a major sense of relief. The EC community is here to help whenever you need it. :slight_smile:
     
    #17 Chip, May 25, 2012
  18. DanA

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    So it totally happened tonight and it went..... AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy hell! This is what I beat myself (and my apartment) up over? Like, I'm not diminishing the huge emotional ordeal that coming out is, but I lucked out! I'll write the story of it in the coming out stories section later.

    :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride::newcolor::king:frowning2:!)


    Yep... and I feel silly... and my wallet feels lighter :rolle:


    and that totes happened! We, like, spent the rest of the day hanging out! Played a few rounds of disc golf, walk through the woods and helped her identify trees cause she needs to teach an outdoor ed class on it (I'm totally Bear Grylls when it comes to nature), and showed her how to identify animal tracks.

    Oh, and the drywall repair went well too cause I'm a freaking boss handyman! Call me Bob Vila :sunglasses:

    ALSO!!! Chip, you're cool! I like ya! Not like like but, like, just like... liek?
     
    #18 DanA, May 25, 2012
    Last edited: May 25, 2012
  19. Insomniac

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    You don't know how happy I am for you. Actually some tears dropped ... That's a great friendship and a pure love. :kiss: And so you've learnt not to make big deal out of problems. :wink:
    Good Luck Bob Vila ! :thumbsup:
    Hugs (*hug*)
     
    #19 Insomniac, May 26, 2012
  20. Ethan

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    Congratulations! I'm so glad you were able to do it! :grin:
     
    #20 Ethan, May 26, 2012
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