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Advice please

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by confusedlady, May 24, 2012.

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  1. confusedlady

    confusedlady Guest

    I'm not quite sure where to post this but I really need some opinions. I was diagnosed numerous times with OCD and I have been questioning my sexuality once again, this must be my 10th time in life, I'm 28 now. I'm married with a little girl on the way. I have started exposure therapy and the anxiety is going down only thing is that things seem to be getting more clearer now.

    I grew up liking boys, butterflies, attraction, etc. I don't recall feeling anything for girls except for the occasional experimenting in which I did with boys as well. The only thing that could mean something is when I was 10 and going forward I would get emotionally attached to my girlfriends. But if a guy I liked would come around, I'd rather spend time with him. When I was 14 I was sexually assualted by a family member, I had really low self esteem and I became very "easy" in highschool. I could never kiss a guy, I thought it was disgusting, mainly because of what happened. Throughout the years I was sexually assaulted a few times mostly by older men. I became really anxious when men would get too close to me, but I still liked them. I couldn't date, I wanted to, but I would get anxious when I felt like a guy liked me, I don't know why, maybe it makes sense now.

    When I was 16 I read something about a questioning lesbian liking lesbian porn, I became very anxious because I mostly watched lesbian porn, not so much straight stuff. Then I staretd connecting that girls at school have the same body parts therefore they would be able to turn me on as well. I became very depressed and confused, I just couldn't picture myself with a girl, it felt weird. Sometimes I would randomly think about a friend and I doing sexual stuff together, but I was never turned on, it was more like just a thought. As I started to have better sex with guys I switched over to straight porn as I could relate to the girl. I just kept having these nagging voices in my head that I was a lesbian.

    I met my husband at 19 and everything was amazing, I was so attracted to him, I loved being with him. Then I started to get anxious 3 months into our relationship, I thought it was because I liked another guy, or I was losing interest or something. Then I started thinking I was a lesbian, I never took it seriously before. But it made sense, I also started to think I was transgendered at this time as well. I would try to force feelings for friends and try to think of my friends as girlfriends, but I couldn't do it. Since then on and off I have been confused.

    The problem is now I am convinced I am a lesbian and I need to leave my family. My therapist says its my ocd, but I don't think so, I really think being a lesbian will make me happy or at least provide me with some kind of answer. I have had other obessions such as running away with another man as I thought it would make me happy, thinking I wanted to be a boy, thinking I want to have sex with a dog etc. All of them I thought were real and would make me happy. Its like I'm chasing happieness here. Eversince exposure my husband looks like a total stranger, I almost am unable to recongize myself, my family, my house, job etc. I feel really weird all the time. My therapist is insisting I wait until the baby is born for me to go "exploring" but its like I can't wait and need to do this now. My feelings for men have now faded away and all I can think about is running away with a woman.

    I know I must sound like a crazy pregnant person, but I feel like I have no control and I feel a bit curious about being a lesbian...I just want to be happy
     
    #1 confusedlady, May 24, 2012
  2. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Everyone deserves happiness.

    You dont say how long you have been having this treatment, or whether its finished, if its not then it would perhaps be good to get to the end of the treatment before you try and make and firm decisions. I also agree that it may be a good idea to wait till after the baby is born I mean I have heard that pregnacy hormones can do some crazy things.

    Dont think im pushing you away from exploring your sexuality, I just think give yourself a bit of time.
    As for trying to like your friends or imagine yourself with your friends, I think will rarely work. There is no doubt in my mind I like girls but my friends, no way. Its totally more of a sisterly relationship I have with them and couldnt ever even imagine myself doing anything with them. If you want to test yourself this way you are better to use celebrities or sit in a cafe on a busy street and check out the people walking past and see who takes your fancy more.

    If it is common that you have feelings where you need to run away to achieve happiness then perhaps continuing to talk to your therapist about it might help to work out whether it is just an OCD or a deep routed feeling.

    It might be helpful for you to explain how you are feeling to your husband, even if for the moment you leave out the possibly liking girls bit and just tell him how strange you are feeling, at least that keeps him in the picture.
     
    #2 silverhalo, May 24, 2012
  3. confusedlady

    confusedlady Guest

    Thanks for your advice. Ive tried to look at random women and it becomes some kind of admiration thing. Like I only notice people I want to be like and I really try to make myself feel something but nothing is there for strangers only really close friends. I get frustrated and end up noticing the men instead. These urges are to run away from my family and go find myself, when I'm calm and not obsessing I start thinking about men again.

    I've had these urges before, it was always to leave my family and take off thinking whatever I was running to would make me happy. I've been listening to them since I was a teenager and I would always be disappointed or bored. Maybe me being a lesbian is just a fantasy?

    Its not like I can fantasise about being with a woman sexually, I really can't, I've tried so many times to think of a random person and it doesn't work. What I am mostly thinking about is more of the emotional factor, holding hands, hugging, spending time, talking. I never get anxiety with women. The weird thing is these feelings happen with any woman, like i don't have a "type". Then I just want to spend time with that woman and my family don't seem to matter, no one matters but them.

    I just don't know what my mind wants from me...
     
    #3 confusedlady, May 24, 2012
  4. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    It could just be a fantasy. There are people though that dont really gain attraction to people straight away, its like they have to get to know them to let their feelings grow, which then turns into a crush and then love, I dont know if it could be like that with you or not.
    Perhaps it is just your mind thinking the grass is always greener on the otherside, perhaps it is a maternal thing, did you have a good relationship with your mother, did you find peace from your anxiety there, just thinking that perhaps your mind is thinking it almost wants that female figure to escape the anxiety.

    If you were single I would advice you to go out and meet a few gay women and see what happens but its tricky because you dont want to give up your husband and everything to find out it was all in your head.

    Hopefully some other people will chip in with their thoughts and view, I alway think the more different opinions the better.

    I am sure you will get to the bottom of it.
     
    #4 silverhalo, May 25, 2012
  5. confusedlady

    confusedlady Guest

    I didn't have much of a relationship with my mother, she suffers from ocd and depression and seemed like she was always upset at everyone. My parents would argue a lot when I was a kid. It was not the ideal living arrangment.

    Do you think there is a possibility that I am just curious? Like if I try it, I may not really like it or it may not be what I think it is and I can go back to my family? I'm really worried for their sake. I have had anxiety issues since I was a kid. The only people who do not cause anxiety are women. If I stop obsessing these thoughts will go away and my feelings for men will come back. I feel like this is all real and I'm a lesbian...but then again, I have thought that way about a lot of things before.

    These urges are really hard to deal with, I can't stop thinking about leaving. I could be in the middle of doing homework with my daughter, the thought will come up and I feel like I have to leave now. Like I don't care about her. The problem is that since I have started thinking a lot about this my family looks like total strangers, thats scary because I feel like I don't know or care about them.
     
    #5 confusedlady, May 25, 2012
  6. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    I think its hard to say because I don't know much about OCD and anxiety and so from that perspective I can't comment. If I take that out of the picture then I would say its unlikely that you are just curious, I think most of the time if people are curious then there is usually at least a small amount of bisexual in their, even if their preference is always for the opposite gender.

    The fact that you can't imagine yourself being with a woman sexually, makes me wonder if it is just your OCD and anxiety talking, that and the fact you don't find girls 'hot' as such. Have you ever watched any films or programs with lesbian story lines?
     
    #6 silverhalo, May 25, 2012
  7. davidroberts

    davidroberts
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    homosexuality is not a disease. its not an obsessive compulsive disorder. but now u have a family situation to deal with. ur sexuality is smthing u have to discover urself. r u having any feelings about any of ur female friends? u have to decide whether its jus a need for emotional support or u really have feelings for women. and u have a baby on the way . during this time u shud not stress out . be happy take ur time
     
    #7 davidroberts, May 25, 2012
  8. confusedlady

    confusedlady Guest

    I used to watch the L word when it first came out and I loved it. I thought Shane was hot...I've always been attracted to the "bad boy" Shane was a bad girl. I guess I could find women who look like guys hot, or I don't know. I could try to think of myself being intimate with another woman but I get this feeling like its not me and I try to say these things out loud to see what I could say to a woman in bed and I break down crying. I did grow up in a place where homosexuals weren't really talked about. But we have Gay Pride parade and Toronto is a very accepting city. As a teen I loved going to gay areas and droll over the gay guys or just how different the lifestyle was. I think maybe I'm homophobic or something.

    When people tell me, like my doctor, my therapist that this isnt real, I get offended and sad and I'm like then I'll never be happy. I just feel like I need to do it so I can stop it from bothering me all the time. I would love to be bisexual, I used to want to be before the ocd started, I thought it was sexy seeing 2 girls together, I just couldn't bring myself to do it and all my friends were experimenting. I just feel like deep down I'm a lesbian. I feel like I can fall in love with a woman only and not a man.

    Davidroberts,
    Not saying its a disease at all. My therapist just thinks that its an obsession since I can't get it off my mind. I can't concentrate on anything when I'm in this mode. I don't even know who I am right now. I hate being pregnant, I feel like my whole life was a lie, the baby was conceived under a lie, but I was so happy before...I feel like I have feelings for every woman. I'm trying not to stress, but I''m now seeing my family as a burden ugh I hate saying that
     
    #8 confusedlady, May 25, 2012
  9. davidroberts

    davidroberts
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    many a times due to hormonal changes during pregnancy one feels depressed . i would like to give a an advice like a doctor too. jus dat let the baby come. once she is here u l have smthing so beautiful dat u will not feel it as a lie. even if ur marrige is a lie dat can be taken care of later. you can certainly break thru the marrige and have a life of your own .
     
    #9 davidroberts, May 25, 2012
  10. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Does your husband know anything about what you are feeling? How do you think he would react if you were to tell him.

    I wouldnt worry that you dont know what to say to a woman in bed, before I had a girlfriend I wouldnt have had a clue.

    When is your baby due?
     
    #10 silverhalo, May 25, 2012
  11. confusedlady

    confusedlady Guest

    I became this way when I was pregnant with our daughter as well, I've always had major anxiety around men, but the "feelings" for women were not there at all. Maybe I'm just craving something new aand support. One time my therapist was like what do u mean run away, a lesbian lifestyle you still have to deal with career, kids, family, etc. I was disappointed eventhough I knew she was right. The excitment feeling goes down when I think of that. But I still feel like I can fall in love with a woman. If you did happen to be in a relationship with the opposite sex would that cause you anxiety?

    ---------- Post added 25th May 2012 at 09:33 AM ----------

    i Think my husband would be crushed. I told him he looked like a stranger a few days ago and he was so hurt. I used to tell him all my thoughts but I stopped cause I was just hurting him. Baby is due in aug
     
    #11 confusedlady, May 25, 2012
  12. davidroberts

    davidroberts
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    ya ofcorse its called peripartum stress disorder. its very very normal . some ppl are more vulnerable to it some are less. so i would suggest u decide evrything calmly after ur baby cms . and regarding running away. its not dat u r running away from responsibilty . u can still be a caring mother and a nice daughter even wen u r following the lifestyle of ur choice. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 25th May 2012 at 09:41 AM ----------

    he will surely understand sooner or later. its better to be a good friend to him later then being a bad life partner. wen u r not happy u will never be able to bcm a good wife/mom/daughter/friend etc
     
    #12 davidroberts, May 25, 2012
  13. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Well if you can find an LGBT group in your area you could attend that and see if it helps. I think its very difficult to tell whether it is related to your pregnancy until after your baby comes, so perhaps you should just try and hang on till then. If you still feel the same after that perhaps you could explain your feelings towards women to your husband and see if he would be interested in perhaps letting you explore that side whilst you are still with him, either you and him together or just you. I dont know whether he would go for this or not, but if not it leaves you with fairly limited options.
     
    #13 silverhalo, May 25, 2012
  14. confusedlady

    confusedlady Guest

    Do you think I could be wrong? Like I think I want to be with a woman but when it actually happens I could be wrong? Do people think they are lesbian, try and realize they'd rather be with men?
     
    #14 confusedlady, May 25, 2012
  15. davidroberts

    davidroberts
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    it does happen people get confused about their sexuality esp in stress situations . dats why we all will give the same advice. let the baby come and then u cn explore your sexuality and decide. right now jus be happy :slight_smile: and i m sorry but your psychiatric seems quite homophobic that she is teling u all the bad consequences of u being urself.
     
    #15 davidroberts, May 25, 2012
  16. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    I think it happens occassionally but not that frequently, the problem is that getting together with one woman and you not enjoying it doesnt mean your not gay, it could mean its just not the right woman, the same as a straight girl might not have a fulfilling relationship with a guy but it doesnt make her gay.

    If you werent in a relationship at the moment what would you do?
     
    #16 silverhalo, May 26, 2012
  17. confusedlady

    confusedlady Guest

    If I weren't in a relationship I'd prob be experimenting to try and figure this out
     
    #17 confusedlady, May 26, 2012
  18. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Well I think you have a few options:

    1. Try and ignore it until after your baby arrives and see how you feel.

    2. Try and find an LGBT group and join, see if it helps

    3. Talk to your husband and see if he will agree to letting you experiment whilst staying in the relationship.

    4. Try experimenting behind your husbands back.

    I dont know if any of these options appeal to you?
     
    #18 silverhalo, May 26, 2012
  19. confusedlady

    confusedlady Guest

    Thanks for your advice. #1 seems like the most logical right now. I'm honestly terrified and don't know what to do. I'm scared in order to be happy I will have to leave my husband. I feel horrible :frowning2:
     
    #19 confusedlady, May 26, 2012
  20. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    I think you just have to try and look at it logically for the moment and see what happens. Try not to let you it get to you, just enjoy the time with your husband and daughter and then re-evaluate everything when your baby arrives. Feel free to stick around EC it might help you out.
     
    #20 silverhalo, May 26, 2012
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