For the past year and a half, I've been extremely depressed and unhappy, mainly due to my sexual orientation but a combination of other things as well. Even though, I've been going to counseling for about 8 months, I somehow still haven't managed to kick out of this overwhelming sadness and emptiness that has taken ahold of my life. One of the things my counselor told me to do was to find things that would make me happy, like doing some kind of hobby that I enjoy since I've spent most of my life doing things that other people want me to do. But the problem with this is.. that I can't seem to find anything that makes me happy. I've tried doing several activities in school, but none of it seems to give me satisfaction. I don't find joy in anything that I do and I've realized that it's because none of these small things will do anything to solve the core of my problems. My counselor asked me what it is that I wanted that could make me happy. And I now know that the only thing that will help me get out of this hole is to come out to my parents and move out. I know logically this isn't the best thing to do. I only have a year left to graduate from college so naturally, I should just stick it out and get through the year. But I'm just way too unhappy. I don't know how much longer I can keep up pretending to be fine when sometimes I don't even want to get up in the morning because I know it will be the same as every other day: empty and meaningless. I don't know if anyone has ever read my posts on my parents, but they are both very catholic and do not approve of gays. My mother is definitely better than my dad as she has no problem with gay marriage because people should have the right to do what they want but she does think that gays are perverted and gross. I do believe that she would come around someday, however, my dad however is a whole other story. Here are just some of the things my dad has said 1) Gays are an abomination 2) They should be sent to prayer camps to get cured 3) It's unnatural, disgusting, 4) The gay agenda is trying to ruin society 5) If I had a gay kid, I would never forgive them or accept them into my house. My dad has said a ton more things, but these are the ones that stick out the most, especially the last one. My dad is definitely very stubborn and sees things in black and white. There is no gray with him and he is extremely self righteous. His belief that he is perfect only seems to get worse as he gets older. He also just keeps getting more religious. One of the things my dad has always been adamant in is that if you try hard at something you can succeed. And since he believes being gay is a choice, then it is something that can be cured if you try hard enough. I don't expect anything good to come out of me coming out to my parents. I wouldn't put it past my dad to cut me off my education since I will turn out to be a shitty investment ( a word he likes to use a lot in reference to us, his children) and am "choosing an immoral life." And to be honest, if he decides to tell me I'm not welcome at home anymore, I think I would be relieved since for the first time in my life, I would finally be free from all the pressure I feel to be a good daughter. I'd also be free from all the guilt that my family likes to place on me and my sisters when we can't live up to their expectations. I could finally figure out what I want to do with my life or find out what is important to me, without having their beliefs shoved down my throat constantly. But then again, I also don't have any support if things do not turn out well. I don't have any friends in the area. And I don't have any family members in the area that I could turn to. If I come out to them, I will essentially be alone in every sense of the word. A long time ago this would have bothered me, but I already feel like I'm completely alone anyways so I think I could somehow manage. I just want to make sure that I can complete my education. I'm thinking that I could probably max out on my government loans and take out a private student loan to get me through the year. Even if my parents don't kick me out or make me go to some kind of camp in exchange for paying for school, I still want to get out of the house regardless. I just want to be able to live my life free from guilt. More importantly, I want to be able to find people out there who will love me not for the things I do, my grades, or how obedient I am, but for merely existing and being who I am. I apologize for such a long message. I plan on speaking to my counselor about this when I see her in 3 weeks. By then hopefully, I'll have a better idea of how to go about doing this. We have brought up several times on how she thinks I would be better off if I moved out of my home but I had always been too afraid of the option considering my family is all I have and I've never been able to connect to people well or maintain close friendships. But I think I'm ready now. I'm tired of feeling this way and I think the only way for me to find happiness is by making a major change in my life. Anyways, if anyone has any thoughts, suggestions, or reservations on anything I've said, I would highly appreciate it. I just need some input right now as I've had all these thoughts swirling into my head and I need to know that this isn't an insane decision.
I don't think it's an insane decision. If you aren't happy with the way your life is going, then by all means, change it. Is it possible for you to get a job? Depending on your situation and where you live, you might be able to take a year off school, work, save some money, go back to school next year and graduate with less dept. If you went straight from high school into college, then some time out of school might help you gain a new perspective. I think you should arrange a new place to live before coming out to your parents, if it's likely that they'll kick you out. Even if they don't kick you out, you'd rather be able to live on your own, right? Don't bother trying to be a "good daughter," just be a happy, healthy human being, and you'll be all right.
(*hug*) (*hug*) If it’s becoming a hassle to wake up and you feel trapped and unhappy, I can see why you feel like it’s time to come out to them. I don’t think it’s crazy or insane at all. It’s exhausting to constantly make other people happy, sacrificing your own happiness. If you feel like relieving the pressure and stress outweighs their negative reactions, I'd say it's a good time to start thinking about coming out. You have every right to live happily without that added pressure. Sounds like you're ready for a change. I wish we could predict the future but we can’t be certain of how someone will react. You can only take certain things into consideration and act accordingly. Before you come out to them (if you do soon), I agree with Farouche that it’d be good to have a source of some money and a backup plan in case they kick you out or if living with them becomes more unbearable. Since you want to move out anyway, you could start looking around and saving up for that. Even if it's just a little bit of money, every cent can help. Moving out could allow you to find peace within yourself and accept who you are more. With school, you could take out loans like you said or wait until you're back on your feet to finish school. Farouche's idea of a year off could also work if you don't want to take loans. When or if you plan on coming out to your parents, your counselor can help you come up with a safe plan that also allows you to feel relief sooner than later. You could tell your counselor all the stuff you said here about not feeling like you can wait another year. I think it's a good idea to talk to her about this when you see her next. It's important to have a backup plan but it's also important to be happy. It sounds like your mom would be a safer and more accepting option. So if you do come out to them, maybe you could come out to your mom first. Once you come out to your mom, you could think of how to come out to your dad or what to do next. If your mom reacts positively, she could even help you come up with a plan for your dad. I'd say go with the easier option first. Regardless of what you decide to do, you deserve to be happy. Like Farouche said, you should just work on being happy and healthy without worrying about being a "good daughter." You're great just the way you are, by the way. Always remember that you're not alone in this and people care about you a lot. Hang in there and don’t forget that you’re a beautiful person. (*hug*)
Thanks for the replies. Farouche- I don't exactly have a stable job right now. I babysit occasionally and I get paid to give out these flyers and coupons around campus. The amount of money I get varies constantly as both of these jobs are under the table and not stable. I also have an internship at school in a lab but I don't get paid for it. I could definitely try to get a job and work for a year and then finish school. But a part of me feels like that would be a waste of time, as I only have one more year left to finish. I've signed up for this website to look for off campus housing and I do have some money saved but definitely not enough for a move like this. I'm definitely thinking of doing what midwestgirl said and coming out to my mom first. I know she would never kick me out of the house or go to the extremes even though she doesn't agree with being gay. However, I don't know how she would act towards me. I'm hoping she can see how unhappy I am and understand my needs, if only a little. Sigh.. I have to think about this more but I feel that in my heart, the only way that I can be happy is if I leave home. But at the same time, I'm terrified of being completely on my own without anyone. I'm scared of failing and making a complete mess of my life. :/
