I am trying to force myself into accepting a lesbian identity. My mind says yep, you are a in-deed a lesbian, while my heart and gut say not so fast dear, you are still pretty straight. Long story short: I was your average child curious about the world around me. I remember vividly a penthouse magazine my brothers and their friends found and there were two women having sex, it blew my mind because a) I had no clue women could have sex with women b) These women looked rich and happy c)The pictures displayed a mansion and a butler. I wanted their life because it seemed better then mine. I had no idea what a lesbian identity was about, but I was attracted, not to their bodies, but to the sex. Growing into puberty and adolescence, I remember being socially awkward. I had crushes on older boys, I would kiss boys, but I wanted them to kiss like the men on the TV screen, some of them were sloppy kissers. I was interested in sex with boys, but I would not do it out of fear of pregnancy and disease and being labled a whore. I watched alot of soft core porn, with men/women and women/women. I liked the women/women porn because it seemed less agressive, more sensual, and happier. I wanted to experience their level of ecstasy, but with a man. In high school, I had a dream about one girl who played on the basketball team and because she was nice to me and taught me about poetry I liked her. That dream was wild because I was like whoa, did we really make out in my dream. All in all, I just passed off that one dream and moved through life still in awe of men, mainly the one's that I thought were human gods and I did not stand a chance in hell of getting. Pricks. I had boyfriends in college. I had my first boyfriend at age 20 and finally lost my virginity. After he passed, I dated a Muslim in Morocco, a guy in Mexico, a guy in my college town, a few guys in Austin TX and one guy in Virginia. Yes, I has quality sex with a couple of them and I do believe I was geniunely attracted to them. On occasion I would have same-sex fantasies and I did have a intellectual crush on a woman in a graduate class, she had all the traits I wanted to see in myself. I mean really smart and she could kick your behind to. She took no crap from men. In my fantasies, its usually me encountering a strong woman who is teaching me about pleasure and getting me to know my own body. Well I moved back to back home in 2011, from Virginia. I was in a state of depression because I felt like I had lost my identity. I had no teaching job, no boyfriend, no babies, and I felt like a failure. In my state of being without an identity, I noticed that I would stare at women. I would notice their styles, their bodies, their hair and it got me to think oh god, I must be a lesbian and my past sexual encounters were false. Within the past year, I have noticed that my attraction to men has dropped significantly. I notice women everywhere. I have gone on craigslist and have thought about having a anonymous meet-up with a woman for the hay of it. I have been online reading about latent lesbians, I have contacted Lisa Diamond to ask question about sexual fluidity, I started seeing a sex therapist, I have reached out to SEX educator Jayme Waxman. Many have responded that sexuality is fluid, go explore and live life. But my whole thing is, I am 30 and I always thought about sexuality in black and white spheres, if you are a woman who likes men, you are straight. If you are woman who develops attractions to women, you are gay and you just repressed those feeling in life and lived a lie. Right now I do ponder if I should explore what I am feeling and see what it is like to date/be with women. Maybe I am truly a lesbian, maybe my sexuality has shifted, maybe I was never straight to begin with. All I know is that even though I have liked and loved men in my past, the emotional pull is not there right now. Because I have never dated a woman, it seems exciting without any emotional barriers and perhaps this will be the transition to turn me into a bold confident woman who would enjoy living without a label. I am not sure who I am right now and I am looking for support.
You could be a lesbian, but it doesn't seem likely to me, but only you can make that call. You didn't have any lesbian urges when younger (a couple of scattered dreams is actually common). You seemed to genuinely like guys. I would say from the way you describe it the girls you "notice" are just girls (women, sorry) that you would like to be more like. I think in that contex it's probably a result in your drop in self esteem. Work on that first, and I think your sexuality will become clearer. You also mentioned your heart was telling you you're straight? (if I misread sorry) Go with your heart on this, not your head. Sexual orientation is something primal you feel with your gut and you don't think about it, so trust your gut feeling. Your mind will just try to play tricks all day long.
Thank you for you reply, but I just feel like I am in a hard space. My grandmother mentioned that she does think I am gay based on my behavior. My aunt said, I think you are straight, however, you do not display any form of sexuality. Friends have made comments that they do not get a gay vibe but there is really no sexual vibe coming from me either. However I shut my sexuality down, I know i need to work on it. Its just a scary place. I have never fallen in love with a woman, but there are instances where i notice a woman and I am like wow, she is so cute, she is gorgeous, she looks so powerful. When asked why i do not have a boyfriend, the remark I get is do you even like men. That pisses me off. It would be hard to admit that the last man I have been intimate with was married, not exactly something to bring out in the open. My heart and mind just feel torn. Gosh is there anyone else out there going through this. I feel so lost.
I can relate, I too have liked boys all my life. I'm 28 now, married and pregnant and questioning again. I questioned during my teens because I liked lebian porn, but I didn't really have an attraction to women. Now it feels like I want to be with a woman and that will make me happy. My feelings for men have also diminshed, I feel a bit out of control. I have no advice, but just letting you know that you're not alone.
Danninic7, It might help to try dating women, with no high expectations and without pressuring yourself, just to see what happens. Has anyone investigated the existence or non-existence of gay vibes, or tested people's ability to detect other people's sexual orientations? Because as far as I can tell, it's half superstition and half random chance.
If you've previously been in relationships with men and have felt genuinely attracted to them, both romantically and sexually, then it is highly unlikely that you are a lesbian. However, you could still be something other straight. It sounds like you have always had some small amount of sexual attraction toward women, and it is very possible that your attractions have simply shifted over time. As for finding out whether you truly are LGBTQ or not, you've already taken a good first step in coming here. Trying to connect with the LGBTQ community can help you sort out your feelings. To that end, it would be a good idea to look for LGBTQ groups or events in your area. If you're still very unsure about your sexuality, it would probably be advisable to avoid a relationship simply because you don't want to risk hurting either yourself or the other woman; however, casual dating (and potentially hook ups, though I'm the last person to talk to about that) would be a good way to test the waters as long as everyone involved knows what the expectations are and acts accordingly.
I identify as gay but have had to acknowledge my heterosexual desire. That said I have also had to accept that I prefer celibacy. You seem to intellectualize your intimate relationships a great deal. Have you thought about ignoring the dominant paradigm (especially for women) and finding non-rantic ways to be intimate? Just a thought.
Thank you to everyone on this forum. I think its pretty safe to say that I have attractions to women and if my attractions to men and wanting to be with men and wanting to be intimate with a man has dissolved over the past year, then it is pretty safe to say that maybe the dominate orientation is lesbian. I have to accept that there is no prince charming, maybe just a cinderella. My family already suspects I am gay and they only believe that I have had maybe one or two boyfriends in my life. I do not talk about men or men I am interested in. I think the heterosexual in me has died. I just have to accept it and start identifying as an ardent lesbian. Thank you all for you support, but I am so tired of trying to define and negotiate my sexuality. I am so ful of negative energy that I am repelling people. Its time to just be honest and tell the family hey you are right and I am wrong.
Hey, how about you try not to label yourseelf and just with the flow, if you fall for a girl then great, a man, just as great. I'm having th same issue as well. I feel like the side that liked men has died and I can't find her. I miss my feelings for guys, it could also be that you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Just let things come naturally.
I am not sure if this is indeed what you mean, but it seems to me from what you wrote that you feel like identifying as a lesbian is a bad thing or something you have to be resigned to living your life as. It does take getting used to sure, but it could be the start of something great! Keep your head up and if you need it you can find support here. (*hug*)
Hello Again, I was not trying to be offensive. I am just trying to define who I am and pick an identity. Based on my history, I do feel that I have gone from 0 on the Kinsey to 6 on the Kinsey scale. I am just saything that it throws one through a loop when they discover that they have changed drastically. I often ponder if this is the universes way to get me out of the rigid hetersexual box I was in and expand on my desires and thoughts I had as a young woman. I had a co-worker who explained that she does identify as bisexual and she has dated two women in her life. She believes my problem is not much about being gay/straight/bisexual, but being afraid to step out into a diverse world. Her advice was go for it and screw what people think, I hold back it will continue to egg at me. I said did the same thing happen to you, she said no because I was open to it and I was willing to accept my attractions and be in a same-sex relationship. Now she dates men and she said if I meet another woman i like then hey, whatever. I am not sure how you all feel about bisexuality or sexual fluidity, but for now, i am going to work with my therapist to work this out mentally and emotionally.
It is always okay to go with the flow and try things out before you make any decisions. And I would actually encourage it. You don't even have to try things out physically if you don't want, there are tons of other ways. Just don't stress about it.
I am going to meet with my therapist tomorrow, but after much soul searching I am.sure that I am a lesbian.I look at how my attractions have become more women centered, my fantasies focus on women and if I try to focus on a man, it fails hardcore. I am not open to being with men and I am more open to dating women. I have finally embraced that I am gay and there were subtle attractions to women here and there but now its 24/7. I have to embrace my new identity and hey whatever. With men I have always been sexually aggressive but pissed off when nothing emotional came.of.it. it seemed I would latch on to them and give love but gain nothing in return and now I see why. My heart belongs to a woman. I am ready world, I am a gay woman,lesbian. I do not.identify as bisexual because I do not foresee my being with another man.
