Ugh this is a long story but I'm just have a lot of inner struggling going on. I'll start from the beginning. I was never a tough, masculine child. No, I wasn't trying on dresses or make-up; there were none in the house. Not to mention, I tried to be well-behaved and not go through anyone else's stuff. That, and I was and still can be extremely gullible; I'm sure somebody told me or showed me what "boys" were "supposed to do", and I learned, even if my brain didn't want to cooperate. I tried to like sports and failed. I can play soccer, volleyball, and friendly field hockey with friends... but any rough contact sport is a definite no and always was. I would imitate female characters, listen to female music,... and it seemed nobody in my family ever picked up on it. My parents were and still are freaking oblivious to everything, or they pretend to be. Skip to 14, first suicide attempt, I find out what transgender is and think it describes me a lot. Try to tell my mom... the conversation ends with the word "Well, you're not, you're fine the way you are". Way to go, totally fucked that up. I never bothered mentioning it again; at some points, I figured I could live as a feminine gay man, so I told my mom that, with the help of a therapist. She kinda accepted it. I think she tries to pretend I'm a regular straight guy though. But she's a whole nother issue, she's tried to kill herself from drug and alcohol overdoses and has a bunch of other problems. That awkward conversation... was 5 years ago. Almost seems like just yesterday. Testerone has of course continued to affect me in ways I don't necessarily want it to. Well, kind of... I'm not quite sure what to do, or if I really am even transgender or if it's a phase. The reason I question it is because of my sexual attractions. This gets a bit TMI, sorry if it's not allowed, I'll try not to go too into detail and I'll delete it if it's against any rules: Spoiler I'm only excited by males... as in, only male-on-male action. Most straight girls I know are not. In fact, the only girls I know who liked it have strangely been lesbians or at least bi, but even then it's only a few. I couldn't do anything sexual with a female. And I don't even picture myself as the bottom guy, really. I'd like to be the top guy. Seeing a sort of smaller/more femme guy on top and a big, masc guy on bottom is like the hottest thing to me, but it's so rare to see it and not a lot of people are probably into it. I'd kind of need a male part in order to do that... if I really wanna be a girl, then why am I still attracted to this? The gender dysphoria comes and goes. I wish it would permanently go away, but I know it won't. I'm afraid if I wait any longer, it'll come at me full force and I may do something drastic. Another thing, and, I'm sorry for being really rude, but... late-in-life transitioners... usually don't look as good. If I wait any longer, testerone will slowly turn my body permanently into something that can never pass as female. Is there any way I can just get testerone and androgen blockers? I won't take estrogen. I just want to block any male hormones, so if I do decide to transition later on, my body won't be more fucked up. This way, I can at least try a little more and see if I can happily live as a male. But I really want to live as female. I feel like I should be. I don't wanna be a drag queen. I don't wanna be a transvestite either. If we live in a day and age where it's possible for me to become female, then, why should I not? Well, of course, money is a huge issue. My family is kinda scraping by. Insurance is garbage. I doubt it would pay for anything, even the therapist. It pays for the one I see now, if I only see him every 2 weeks for an hour each session, and he has to kind of lie a bit to get our insurance company to do that. He's not a gender therapist, so I'd need to find one in my area, if there is one. And of course, telling my family, having to re-explain it to my mom, tell my dad, who hates LGBT people... the thought of having the conversation with him makes me wanna throw up. I get sick thinking about it. It's scary. I tried being a gay man, even feminine gay men are looked down upon by other gay men. They all want masculine men. I can't be, I tried. I even see myself as ugly for not being so. Maybe I'm really not meant to be a guy. I just need some kind of strength to do anything than laying in bed moping or crying like I've been doing. I only told maybe one or two people online all these thoughts, it's hard for me to talk about it because it makes me emotional and upset. If you need more details, I'll add more, I made this shorter than it could have been to save reading time and space. Thanks for reading.
When I was younger, I was very interested in male-on-male action (erotic fiction), and from experience, I can tell you that I was surrounded by a lot of straight girls who enjoyed it as well. It's not all that far-fetched really. If you're attracted to one guy, then two guys are double the hotness, right? As far as wanting to be on top in sexual relations, I see nothing wrong with it. A couple points I'd like to make: 1) In some heterosexual relationships, the man would like to be penetrated by a woman wearing a strap-on. Enjoying a certain style of sex says nothing about your sexual orientation or gender identity. If the aforementioned man is sexually attracted exclusively to women, he isn't gay, nor is the woman with a strap-on trans for taking on the role that society considers "masculine". 2) Not all transgender people choose to have surgery for different reasons, like health problems, financial factors, etc. Trans people can have varying degrees of dysphoria as well. As a transguy, I have no opposition to having penetrative vaginal intercourse, and in fact, would very much enjoy it. Bottom surgery for FTM's isn't advanced enough for my tastes, and there's a chance that after it, I would feel no sexual pleasure. So why not work with what I have, if it's functional and will feel good? That doesn't make me any less trans, and if you decided to keep your penis, it wouldn't make your identity any less valid either. Sex is your body's biological state, while gender refers to how your brain feels, so to speak. I hope that makes sense, since I'm tired and having trouble wording stuff right now, but I wanted to address that concern of yours before I went to bed. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask and I'll answer when I'm more coherent. :icon_redf
Well. What does one do when one meets someone suffering under similar ails to themselves? Should you be friendly to that person? Sympathetic? Apologetic? I'm not entirely sure. But I will say this. SnowyWinters. We may be different in many ways, be we are similar in many others. I too might be transgender, and it's been killing me for the past 9 months. You'll have to excuse my wording in this post, because I swear my depression is beginning to affect my grammar. I too was never a tough masculine child either. In fact, I laughed at those who were. Sport was never really my thing. I didn't mind soccer either. And later I found sailing and fencing to be very engaging. But I could never really had the same love of sports as most of my contemporaries. In high-school I found I enjoyed karate, which I suppose makes me more into "rough and tumble activities" than you, but being a slim wisp of a person, Karate was always about agility and speed for me, not punching the other guy harder. I had a similar experience with telling my parents. I first became aware of transgenderism at age 12. But I decided I was probably too young to know what I wanted for sure. Fast-forward to age 18. And I'd gotten to the point where I couldn't igore the changes to my body - or the way people assumed that I was a guy. After being seriously depressed for several monthes, I finally worked up the courage to tell my parents what I thought was wrong. But their reaction was mostly just. "We see no evidence of this." I'd gone to an all-boys highschool - which may not have helped matters - and by the time I graduated, I was barley able to get up in the mornings. I applied to uni, and got into a course that I'd been chasing after for most of my school career. But by then I was doubting everything about my existence. Anyway, to give you the shortened version - it's now three months into my first year at uni. I've barley attended a lecture or a tutorial, because I can't bear being around people. I've spoken to a psychologist, counsellor, GP, countless help-lines, forums and chatrooms - and I'm at the point where I really don't think there's anything else left for me to do. My counsellor has advised that I withdraw from university, that way I can come back and make a fresh start when this is all over. But I'm seriously at the point where I just want to die now. I've attempted suicide 12 times, and last night I finally managed to cut myself for the first time. I honestly thought a kitchen knife would be sharp enough, but it took a lot more effort than I expected. Right - well enough about me and my tragic little existence Advise for you. In regards to your sexual attractions: This can be pretty confusing, but sexuality, gender identity, and physical sex are all seperate characteristics. A person can be female-bodied - identify as male - and yet be attracted to other males. Making him a transgender gay man. So the fact that you're attracted to what sounds like stereotypically gay sexual situations - but might identify as a different gender to the one you were born into. Is not a problem in the least. As for the androgen blockers: As far as I understand in the United States, your only way of getting access to those are if you are diagnosed with GID and perscribed them by a doctor. Or else through self-medication, which is a dangerous and wholly inadvisable path. Transsexual Road Map probably has more information on the subject. And in regards to the other stuff: My advise would be to see about getting in touch with a gender therapist. It seems that you American's have much better access to people with knowledge in this particular area - and they'll be able to advise you should you decide that androgen suppression, or maybe full-blown transition is an option for you. In regards to your parents - I'm sorry I can't really offer any better advise. I'm just avoiding mine, living away from them as much as possible. It's not a solution I know, but it's the most I can bear right now. Being around them just makes my depression worse. As for the moping around in bed - I've had plenty of experience of that myself And the best I can say, is to at least try to find ways to distract yourself when you feel low. Music, video games, books, sketching, going for walks. Anything that can hold your attention, even if it's for only a few minutes at a time. The worst feeling is when you feel bad for moping about like a piece of emotional flotsam - and the best way to avoid that in my experience, is to do something in your dark momments. Even if it can barley be called productive. You mentioned that you've only told a few people online because discourse on this matter gets you upset. Like electrolicious, I'd like to extend the invitation for you to post any more queries or concerns in this thread. Or else add me as a friend, and post them on my profile wall. The people here at EC are very understanding, and it sounds like it would be good for you to vent some of your tribulations.
If it's any comfort, I'm a femme gay guy who likes ALL types of gay guys. Including other femme guys. I think it's quite possible you're transgender, but maybe not transsexual, if you don't feel a need to medically and/or socially transition to the opposite sex. There's many different ways to be trans! Some people identify as being androgynous, genderless, genderfluid, genderqueer, bigendered, third gender, etc. I have met quite a few straight women who like male/male erotica and such; it's sort of like how some straight cisgendered guys get worked up over female/female stuff. But if you see yourself as a guy, and sexually feel like you should be a guy, that matters. How do you see yourself sexually? Do you think a woman with a strap on dominating a guy would be exciting, or seeing a woman riding a guy would be exciting? Or is it really just that two guys are what works for you? Because women can still dominate a man, no doubt about it. Women can top just as easily as guys can! :icon_wink Try talking to your current therapist about it; even someone who isn't a gender therapist can help you figure out your feelings and thoughts. See what you can do. Read up on what it means to be transgender and transsexual. Join a forum as female, choose a female name, see how it feels to be seen as female for a while. Hang in there. If you need someone to talk to, our inbox is open. You will make it through this, and things will get better. It just takes time, and a lot of effort.
At least you found things you did like, I pretty much can't seriously play any sport or physical activity. My body and mind just seem to reject that idea. And I applaude you for laughing at the masculine guys- I always was envious of them. They hated me, hated when the gym teacher put me on their team, because I'd "make them lose". One kid in my 5th grade gym class even called me a "girl in a boy's body". Maybe he was right, though, at the time, I just ignored it. I went to a regular public high school, no religion or anything was taught, co-ed, etc. I do remember being jealous of the girls. There were some mornings when I didn't even want to wake up, and I'd beg my mom to let me stay home from school, or I'd threaten to hurt myself. My senior year, I finally toughened up and got perfect attendance for that year. Somehow, I managed to finish school with decent grades. But I hated college. I went to a local 2-year school, so no dorms or anything. I still live at home. After my third semester, I had to drop out. I had completely stopped doing any work. I no longer wished to go to college. It was terrible. So, since December, I've been sitting at home doing nothing with my life. It's all I can do. I no longer wish to do anything. =( I never actually cut myself, but I always wanted to. I tell people I do, sometimes. I'm too afraid to. I know it'll hurt, and I can't stand blood or pain. But I really just wanna cut my arm open. I've taken like 5 or 6 anti-depressants, none helped much at all. Seen 3 psychiatrists, and 3 psychologists. Right now I just see a psychologist. We can only afford once every two weeks (or once a month) for an hour per session. It doesn't help much. My mom refuses to drive me there anymore, so my dad does now, and even he doesn't want me to go there anymore. It's terrible. I've been talking to this therapist for 4 years... I'm afraid to tell him what I'm feeling, though. He's a nice guy, but I still feel very ashamed of myself... I know I shouldn't, but I do. I find it hard to talk to people. I've also been in an out-patient mental hospital program for depressed teens when I was 15 for 3 weeks, didn't help much either. Nothing helps. That's what I figured. =( Ugh, this is gonna suck. I don't know what to do. There are days when I do feel like a guy, that I can be a guy and be somewhat happy, but then there's day when I feel the opposite. I wish I could move as far away from my family as possible- but I can't. I can't get a job or anything, and if I could, nothing that could even pay a third of a small apartment's rent. I'm stuck living with them and making them happy, even if it's slowly killing me. Distracting myself is hard. I'm not good at anything, don't really have much talents. I don't even like to do anything anymore. Occasionally I listen to music, but that's kinda it. I'm not good at art, video games, and I hate going outside. I just really don't want to do anything anymore. Lately, I've been just wanting not to exist anymore. I think God made me by accident. Also, I forgot to mention, I sort of have a boyfriend who I really love, but he's gay, and me being a girl probably won't really sit well with him. He's like the only person I'm living for, and if he doesn't like me, I don't know what I'd do. ='( Gay guys tend to think I'm attractive as a guy... but what if I'm not an attractive girl? Then nobody will like me. =\ The gay men will hate me for transitioning, not that I care, because, honestly, most gay men I met are douchebags and assholes to begin with (no offense everyone).
You sound almost exactly like me, except that I know I'm transgender. (Message me if you want) There are testosterone blockers that you can take. It's important to find out what you are, try the COGIATI (The COGIATI Transsexual Transgendered Crossdressers Gender Test : Print version Androgyne) it worked for me. Just look around, and good luck to you! <3
I don't exactly know what to feel sometimes... I mean, I do want to be a woman a lot of the times, including a vagina. But, sometimes, I feel like I can live as a guy if I had to, and I like having a penis. These things can be pretty fun. =P I would never try to mutilate it myself or anything. I like masturbating. It's just hard for me because feminine men are not well-accepted in this society, not to mention, I'm not sure I could be one. When I go out, I don't want to be noticed, so I try to be as gender-neutral as possible, wearing dull, loose-ish fitting clothing. I'm pretty much only attracted to two men getting at it. And, I also am not attracted to guys who are really femme. I can't get into another guy if he is crossdressing or anything like that. Would prefer a more gender-neutral or masculine guy. I definately will try to talk to my current therapist about it. It's very hard for me to say, but I can try it, at least. But some days I do feel like I can be a guy. If I'm having a "guy day", then maybe I'll forget to mention it- then I have to wait two more weeks (or even a month!) to see him again. =( I took the online version and got 140, probable transexual. But, I'm barely in the "probable transexual" range since it only starts at like 130... that's a little worrying to me. It just makes me even more confused.
Well, it's also just a test... It doesn't necessarily mean anything. It's all subjective. Anyhoo, yeah, talking to the therapist would be best. I could probably have lived as a girl, myself, and I didn't really HATE my body... but I'm transsexual. I identify as a guy, I live as a guy, and I AM a guy. I just am incredibly chill about my body now that I'm dosed up to high heaven with testosterone. You don't have to absolutely hate your body to be trans.
Naaren and Snowywinters: The COAGATI is generally considered not to be a viable test. Nevermind a reliable way of determining if your transgender or not. There was a thread about it a while back. Most people have tried the thing, but generally it's accepted it can only give you a rough idea at best. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/915821-post25.html - The thread's still worth a read if you're new to EC. If nothing else it'll give you an idea of who else is dealing with these issues. Yep - that's where I'm at too. Only difference is I'm trying to get out of it by killing myself. Not the best solution, but hey - it's what I've got available. I agree with Seeksanc - talk to your current therapist. And if you can find someone who might be better versed in this kind of thing, try them. *sighs and offers a hug* I'm going through the same crap. I can't believe there is a god. If they were cruel enough to make me like this, I don't want to know them.
Nah, God aint cruel, the world is...the people who choose to make life hellish for us. God is good and pure love and makes no mistakes, that is why he made you! because He knows the world desperately needs you and me. and if the evil gets its way, we all will kill ourselves so God will cry and the world will continue to live blind. but i am Deaf not blind! join me? peace!
I'm going to hazard to guess that bringing religion into this isn't going to be a good idea. But what do I know. I'm the resident devil worshiper, I'm inherently someone to be distrusted, apparently. >_>; But I will say that not everyone has the same view on the Christian God as other people, so saying what God is or isn't is utterly pointless. So... the topic. Where was it? Ah, yeah. COGIATI. It's not much better than Quizilla.
I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time (*hug*) I just want to say that there is nothing wrong with having a femme personality, I love it when guys are like that. As for your gender, try not to tie yourself up in knots over this. I had a talk about this not to long ago, truthfully I don't believe it matters if you are male or female, or both, or none, or some strange combination I have never heard of before. What matters most is that you are happy with yourself, you seem like a really nice person and that is a very good quality. It is okay to not be completely sure of what you want, it can be hard sometimes but try not to feel pressured or rushed into finding yourself. Your doing okay, you really are (*hug*)
See, now I'm confused, because, today, I feel like I can easily be a guy and not be upset over it. =\ This is what it's like sometimes- I constantly change my mind and feelings come and go. Usually I'm in a good mood when I don't feel like I'm transgender. Like I feel okay today. I don't know what to do now. I'll tell my therapist, I doubt there's much he can do.
I've been questioning my gender identity basically since I was like 12 or 13. I tend to get in a pattern of saying, "Yes, duh, of course I'm transsexual," and I run with it and get all excited and everything. Then a few days later I'll start feeling like I was being crazy and nothing is wrong. Its very irritating. I'll try my best to comment on some of the things you said to give you my perspective as someone else dealing with this crap. I played lots of sports (football, hockey, wrestling...) and I don't think I was a masculine kid either. My dad also always took me hunting with him. I kind of dreaded going to be honest. I really just wanted to spend my time around home, hanging out with friends, video games, TV, but my parents thought I was being lazy so they pushed me into activities. I actually enjoyed learning wrestling in high school. I wasn't good at it, but I enjoyed the 1 on 1 challenge of it. But as I've been terrible at every sport I ever played, the team harassed me to the point where I felt I could not continue to be on that team. I actually had a panic attack from the harassment. Even though I really hate even watching sports, the fact that I used to play all these masculine sports seems like a problem if I'm trans. I know they shouldn't be, but they often weigh on my decision making to some extent. I tried to tell my mom I was gay and she told me the most hateful things I've ever heard. Nothing changed about our relationship as a result. I'm sorry, I know how you feel *hug* These days I'm leaning towards myself being bi to some extent, but what's weird is, I can't picture myself being a top with anyone. I think it just makes me feel like if I like that, I must like being a guy, so I can't even picture it. But if I watch "shemale" porn in which the transgirl is topping someone, I can picture myself as her and enjoy it, because I would be doing that action as a woman. I told my therapist the other day, "if I transitioned, I don't think I'd care who I'm with because I'd be so damn happy just being me." It was so bizarre to hear myself say that. I haven't really stopped thinking about it. You pretty well described how I feel here. I keep trying to express these feelings to my therapist, and she urges me to be patient. Its hard to be patient when I'm 22 and feel like if I wait any longer the opportunity is going to disappear. I know how you feel. The confusion sucks. I hope my rambling trying to relate helped =/
so nice to hear this. im not alone. litterally i felt i was the only one who think this way. i thought i was a perv. but you all think just like me! and we are normal nice people. i don't even have therapist. I'm older than you, I've survived. i had times as a kid, teen, and as an adult when i was very much needing to bind, and wear boy shirts, hats, ties, shoes, socks...and i didn't know there was any reason or name for it. i had many periods of not being so dysphoric, and didn't know why it came back. be patient, you got 80 years of life ahead, do it wise, step by step.
It sounds like testosterone/androgen blockers are the best way to go for you. And if you find that this is the path you want to take, starting on a low dose of estrogen would not be a bad idea either. A lower dose allows you more control of the effects of the hormones, and allows you to stop transitioning easier if you decide that you don't actually want to do it. If you want and feel like you should be living as a female, you probably should. I don't think most cisgendered non-GID guys get that feeling -- especially if you feel like you should have a vagina. Sounds like the only reasons you're against transitioning is because your boyfriend *might* be against it.. and gay guys *might* be against it.. but that's all about them and what they want, is this what you really want? Those days when you feel like you can "live as a guy if you had to"... do you really want to be "just settling"? If you shut out the rest of the world's opinions, demands, desires for the moment, because honestly none of what the f*ck they say or want you to be matters, since it's rarely in your best interests.. is being seen as a woman, and female, what you really want? If so, then you should consider transitioning. If not now, then maybe for the future, and T/androgen blocking would be very helpful in getting you there.
