I'm afraid that I'm developing some sort or Narcissistic personality. I've grown up thinking I was fat, ugly, socially inept (which was partially true), insane and a shadow behind the sidelines. Lately, and I mean for the past couple of months and even while depressed, I can easily flash a big smile into the mirror and not find anything I don't like about my appearance. So naturally, I've tried bashing every little imperfection, but that seems to only piss my girlfriend off, so I've had to stop (or at least pretend I don't for her). I've also completely gotten over the whole fat thing after getting back down to 160 pounds, but even before I stopped caring at least a year or two ago when I was twenty pounds heavier. And don't get me started on the insane and socially inept part. I flat out TRY to make others as uncomfortable as possible, talking about murders casually and discussing fingers found in hamburgers to a certain idiot while she's eating. The whole "I think I'm smarter and better than everyone" thing I'm used to, but paired with my sudden lack of self hatred, I almost feel like a bad, terrible person. Usually I just want to inform the uninformed, but I really DO get a kick out of it when I sound smarter than anyone else. When they DO know what I'm talking about, I DO shut up and listen for their every word to make sure that I learn absolutely everything they know. That way, I can torment other people more easily with even more facts. Seriously, I've turned into the Riddler! And the worst part is, I hardly care. I mean, I feel guilty as hell, but now that I'm not hating myself I feel I love the people I love even more and I can spend more time torturing people I deem less intelligent with my bluntness. Not to mention I LOVE the Riddler, but that doesn't mean I have to start acting like this...
I don't really know. I guess sometimes people like playing with people. I don't want to say anything stupid, but if people are hurt by what you're saying, maybe lay off a bit, but if they like dark humour, continue by all means.
Yeah, I have a pretty disgusting sense of humor... and yet I wonder why I have three friends that I only get to see once every few months. It's not like I can help it (unless my physical being is at stake), or else I would stop and my parents would like me better.
I don't see anything seriously wrong with what you described. As TheGreyMan said, if someone is obviously hurt by something you do, then apologize and try to avoid doing it in the future if you think someone else will also be hurt by it. But making people uncomfortable is different than hurting someone. You're only 17; social gaffes, especially of the kind you described, are pretty much expected. Your social skills should improve as you get older and more experienced in dealing with people. In the meantime, surround yourself with people who appreciate you for who you are, dark humor and all, and avoid the people who can't take it. It sounds like you're already doing both to the best of your ability, so, as I already said, it doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with you. Also, I agree with your girlfriend about bashing your imperfections - don't do it. Being happy with your appearance, and who you are in general, is a good thing.
Why aren't we friends? Lol I feel the same way kinda I have a relationship and causd of that I roller coaster between what you describe and self loathing. Nothing is wrong lol you just still hate yourself a little, remember that people should be themselves and be around people who like the real them
There's a difference between not caring, and being unable to care. You feel guilty. You feel love for your loved ones. You're not Narcissistic (NPD). If you are able to care and can still feel guilt and love, then honestly... it's more likely you're an asshole, not a psychopath. Please keep in mind that I say that with humor, not derision. You like feeling smarter than other people, and you have a gross sense of humor... congrats, you're like a lot of people. If it's actually bothering you that you act like this, maybe try and cut people some slack? For example, try cutting out the gross stuff while people are eating. Just giving people that one courtesy might do a world of good, and it should be fairly easy to do. If you feel you CAN'T stop, or you try and seriously can't, then there might be something wrong... maybe not NPD, but something. Because most people CAN stop themselves from doing something they know makes people uncomfortable, even if they don't.
Self hatred does not make you a better person. It is not nicer to make people uncomfortable just because you don't like yourself. If you put other people down often enough that it's a problem, it's wrong regardless of whether you have poor self-esteem. Worsening your self-esteem would not make it okay to be mean or rude. I think you might need to work on caring about other people's feelings. But this will not be improved by you thinking that you are fat and ugly. It's totally unrelated. What do you mean, you can't help it unless your physical well-being is at stake? What exactly is compelling you to talk about fingers ground up in hamburger meat while other people are eating? Do you have other symptoms of poor impulse control? Do you fidget a lot? Do you lose things? Just asking...
Okay, I don't make others uncomfortable JUST because I hate myself. I do it because it's funny. That's also why I tell people with phobias of germs disgusting facts about germs if they've irritated me. I think it's hilarious. I just love the things people normally call taboo. I read a comic book about a dead little girl for crying out loud. I read Creepy Pasta in the dark late at night listening to the Lavender theme all alone and laugh. The hamburger incident basically happened when this hypochondriac (I'm not saying that to be mean, she really is one) who thinks she was pregnant was eating a hamburger. Just that morning I read an article where some kid found a finger in his burger at Wendy's or something. So I put on my big "I'm a total asshole" smile and told my mother about whether she had read "that one article about the burger". I couldn't just flat out say it or my mother would get upset. Naturally, Meg's curiosity spiked and she asked me to tell her. Since she asked, I did. And she almost threw up, and I was satisfied. I suppose it doesn't make me sound less like a jerk if I tell you this woman, who I am smarter than in every way, treats me like an idiot. And YES, I am smarter than her, and NO, I will not tolerate being treated like a four year old by a 37 year old American who doesn't know who George Washington is. She didn't know BEARS were dangerous to humans, she can't figure out preschool activities and she likes to tell me stupid trivia... wait for it... the day after I tell it to her. I don't know how this woman got through nursing school, and frankly that fact TERRIFIES me. At least she can do first aid! Another thing she does that REALLY pisses me off is interrupt me when I'm reading. I cannot STAND people who prevent me from enjoying a book by yapping on and on about something stupid when I'm trying to read! Honestly, books are the only place I am free, and I don't enjoy the constant reminders that my temporary escape is all imagined. So yes. Anyone who continually interrupts my reading will be "attacked" in the way of grossing them out or making them feel insignificant. As for strangers, I don't care about them whatsoever. I DO force myself to smile at people I see. A smile from a stranger helped save me from committing suicide, so I try to be nice to people I don't know. And to answer what Ianthe asked, if I know that being a smart ass will result in me being beaten to a concussion, I avoid doing so and act like the submissive, worthless baby I'm supposed to be. Because if not cleaning the fish tank lead to being beaten, then I don't want to know what talking back will do. Fidget? Well I occasional flap my hands when excited, I pace frequently, and if I'm writing a story, I'll jump up and start talking to myself every now and then as I pace around the room madly. And I lose things. And I procrastinate. I'm procrastinating right now. I chew my finger nails. And if I hurt one arm I HAVE to tire out the other arm so I'm "balanced", which is how I once got burns on both hands.
Oh, I should also probably mention the massive panic attacks I have over school work and looking dumb in front of other people. I made a typo in my VIRTUAL class in front of my teacher and ONE other student and I started sobbing hysterically. Anything lower than a 90 percent in my mind is failing. Being called stupid even jokingly makes me feel like an insignificant idiot and has almost driven me to suicide. This clashes with my inability to actually focus on schoolwork. I've been constantly paranoid for weeks now and it only gets worse and worse. And the harder I try, the more it hurts when I just end up FAILING again and again. This is added with the fact that failing prevents me to see my friends and family since my mom won't let me leave the house, call or text people or do anything if I have a C, AKA "Worse than an F is for normal people". If I'm not smart, I'm NOTHING. I am nothing but a worthless, lowlife and suicidal teenage girl who pisses the world off and wishes someone would just kill her for it! And I DO secretly take pleasure in others misery because it reminds me that I don't have it so bad. Is that too much to ask!? Is it too much to want ONE thing I'm actually good at?! ONE USEFUL THING? I cannot do SHIT, and now people are calling my intelligence, the ONE thing I have in my life, average? No no no no no no NO. Jeez, I never deserved to be called smart. I'm just another fucking idiot that's too prideful and needs to have more guts so I can just kill myself for being the stupid ass jerk off I am. ---------- Post added 29th May 2012 at 12:21 PM ---------- Oh, I fixed it. I hate myself again. Good. Problem solved. Now I can start avoiding mirrors again. Stupid....
