I've come to a point where I'm pretty much out. I don't talk about it because I don't have any reason to, and nobody asks since it's not apparently not a big deal to people. I'm mainly focusing on work now, since I get along with most, and am friends with some people there. I want people to know, but I don't want to talk about it with them. This is mainly because I still strongly feel like, especially at work, it's nobodys business. It really isn't. But the more I tell myself that, the less likely I am to put it out there. Topics like babies and boyfriends/girlfriends comes up a lot at work (mainly because I want children and people keep asking me why I'm single). So, I've told everybody multiple times that I can't have my own biological children. Only one person picked up on that, hinted that she thought I was gay, then gave up and never mentioned it again. So, I want to say something like "I'm single cuz I haven't met a boy I liked yet", but again, I just don't feel like it's anybodys business! Ahhh! Advice? Sorry it's so sloppy :|
It isn't, but - as you've already noticed - not letting anyone in on it at all creates problems of its own. They'll assume you're hetero, put you in awkward situations, etc., and then if you *were* to meet a boy you liked, you couldn't really talk about it with your work friends. I think of it this way - most people who are hetero put that out there in a million little ways (commenting on people they think are attractive, talking about significant others, acting typically "straight", and so forth), but that doesn't mean I know how they spend their personal time or what they like to do in the bedroom. Similarly, identifying yourself as gay doesn't let them in on your personal life. It just lets them know how you see the world, what your place in it is, and what may or may not be appropriate behavior around you.
That's a good way to think of it. But should I come right out and tell people I'm gay, or should I leave it to the little hints - like mention I'd date if I met the right boy? I think that's my biggest problem. Since telling people straight up at work that I'm gay, I'd be dishing out more than just "I like boys" - thus sort of giving them more insight to my personal life then I'd like. You know? Thanks a lot Gravity x
I completely agree with you. You shouldn't have to go around wearing a sign that reads, "I'm gay." But I think the longer you wait to tell your work friends, the more awkward the situation will become. But there are some good things that can come out of waiting to tell them. Say one of them is very homophobic, and they get to know and like you as a friend. When you finally tell them, then that person may change his/her views on gay people.
Sorry, but you're fooling yourself. You still have shame about the fact that you're gay, and you're still not comfortable directly saying, in a conversation "I'm gay" when it would be appropriate to do so, such as in a conversation about having kids. Otherwise, you wouldn't make these obtuse references. Now... that's perfectly OK to not be comfortable being that out yet, but I encourage you to think about why it is you're uncomfortable just being direct. It isn't because you aren't sure, certainly, and it apparently isn't because anyone would care, because you don't seem to think they would. So that basically leaves that you feel shame about who you are. And the best way to deal with the shame is to talk about the shameful thing head-on. After you do that, most of the uncomfortable feelings dissipate, and the more you talk about it, the less shaming it is. I mean, you don't have to run screaming it from the rooftops, but you also don't have to pussyfoot around when others are discussing it. So... if the mood strikes you, the next time someone's talking about having kids, you could just say something like "Well, I'm gay so it's a little more complicated for me. I want kids, but I'll have to have an adaptive strategy." or something like that.
If it comes up again about why you can't have you own biological kids, you can go ahead and say directly that it's because you are gay, and making biological children would require a woman to be involved. (Some gay men do have their own biological children through surrogates, though.) If they ask why you aren't seeing anyone, you can explain that you have a hard time meeting guys for whatever reason. Or that you just haven't met the right guy yet. The problem really is that you aren't comfortable talking about it. I mean, when the situations come up, you know what the true honest response would be, and you say something else that doesn't reveal that you're gay. A lot of the reason that we have to officially come out at first, rather than just living our lives openly and letting people figure it out, is that it is part of the process of overcoming our shame and anxiety. The feeling that holds you back from just saying casually, "Oh, I just haven't met the right guy yet," is shame. And when you don't say it, it reinforces your shame, because your own actions and words are more powerful than other people's in shaping your unconscious feelings and beliefs about yourself. Whenever you act like you are ashamed, you tell your own unconscious that you have something to be ashamed of. Then, you feel more ashamed, and are more likely to act ashamed. Shame feeds itself. So, while keeping a secret can be the result of shame, it is also the cause of shame. We don't come out because our sexuality is anyone else's business. We come out because it is the only way to live without shame. Only when our actions and words, as well as our thoughts, are consistent with the idea that we don't have anything to hide, anything to be ashamed of, only then are we able to stop feeling shame. If you can't bring yourself to just reference your sexuality casually, when it's relevant, then it's a good idea to go ahead and start coming out more formally. I would start with the girl who kind of guessed already, especially since she backed off and didn't mention it again--it seems like she's sensitive to these issues. Once you tell her, she could potentially help you with coming out in more casual ways--like, you could just openly have related conversations with her where other people can hear. ---------- Post added 27th May 2012 at 12:01 PM ---------- (Chip, I wrote my post before reading yours, or I would have referred back to you about shame.)
You're right, it is nobodies business. Why should you have to go around telling everyone you're gay in mid-conversation? I think saying you're gay to people the minute you meet them kind of makes things a little awkward - I mean surely there's more to you than your sexuality that's way more interesting. I just find it unnecessary, unless you become good friends with an individual. Colleagues don't need to know what gender you love/find attractive/sleep with. Keep it to yourself I say, unless it's really necessary to tell a person. We need to get to a point in which we (like straight people) don't have to say and people don't just assume that we're straight - if people really want to know, they should ask themselves.
Being out is not about "saying you're gay to people the minute you meet them." No one does that. Being out does not mean letting your sexuality define your entire being, either. Being out is just not hiding it anymore. It means that you mention it when it is relevant to the conversation, instead of purposely not saying something that you would say if everyone already knew you were gay. When related subjects come up, you just tell the truth, without manipulating it or obscuring pronouns or wording it in a way that makes it impossible to discern your sexuality. When asked if you are in a relationship, you say exactly the same thing you would say to someone who knows you are gay, without changing it to remove the parts that reveal your gayness. Sometimes people go through a little bit of a phase after they have come out, where it's like everything is all gay all the time. They are just kind of overcompensating for all the time spent in the closet. For some people, when they are first out, they are still really self-conscious of it, so it's on their minds all the time, and the first thing they think when they meet a new person is that it's a new person they have to come out to. It's not a necessary part of being out, and they usually don't act like that after they have been out for a while. Like I said before, we don't come out because other people have some kind of right to know. We come out because keeping secrets makes us ashamed, and shame makes us miserable.
ya its nobdy else s buisness. but ppl usually dnt understand as they have so much free time in der lives dat they want ti interfere and comment on evrybdy else s problems. i too find such ppl so damn irritating. and what rubbish dat u cnt have biological children. u can certainly get some egg donor and a surrogate and have a baby of ur own nd more over genes hardly matter its all abt how u raise the child.
