So like the title suggests I've become concerned lately that I'm trying to make myself gay. As weird as it sounds I kind of want to be gay. I kind of just identify with it, and it kind of just deals right to say/ think. That said whenever I have a thought about a guy I always have a weird sense that I'm making myself think about guys just so I can be gay. Sometimes I think about gay things just to reaffirm to myself that I'm gay. Some of these thoughts though feel forced, like they're more of a stage act than genuine thoughts. Not just the one that I have to assure myself but even spontaneous ones. If I'm out and I see a cute guy I simultaneously think "he's cute" and "if I think he's cute than I really am gay". I can't tell which thought occurs first. What I'm really asking is is this a normal/ common form of denial? Have a lot of you gone through this? If not than I think I need to start giving this some more detailed thought.
This is interesting. I have never seen anyone work this hard on it. It's possible that you're just stressing yourself out with this too much. It sounds like you're still working out your orientation, and maybe a label doesn't work for it. Just because language is limited doesn't mean you have to fit yourself into box X, where X is some orientation people have already recognized. Orientation shouldn't be something that you have to work at achieving. It's something you work to discover and to accept. If this is part of your self-acceptance process, that's fine; I just worry you might be working too hard.
Don't worry about it gurl. You'll get it over time. You are still pretty young, and probably haven't toured/explored the world yet. There's a big range of sexuality for you to explore and figure out so just let it cum 2 u naturally
Don't work yourself up for something like this. You can't change who you really are, just open your mind, ease up and be yourself. Sexuality has an interesting way of being very complicated sometimes, there is no reason to complicate it further. As I've always said to people, just live your life, love who you love and don't fight yourself over the whys and hows. It makes it all simpler, at least that's how I see it
Actually, I get that. I've asked myself the same question. 'Am I gay, or is this just some sort of gay Munchhausen Syndrome?' I can't answer that for you, but I can say that I had to take time to realize that I was gay, but I was deliberately going overboard to combat a part of me that was resistant to being gay. All I can say is, don't feel an obligation. You are who you are. You're on a sliding scale. You're not 'straight' or 'bi' or 'gay'. If you're like most people you're somewhere in-between, somewhere unique to you. This may be a hard concept to grasp, I know it was for me, but my advice is, don't box yourself in.
I've been having the same problem lately, which is a bit strange since I went for about two months without questioning my same-sex attraction at all. I usually settle it by reminding myself about the fact that I still miss my crush and wish things could have worked out (while simultaneously hating her guts and acknowledging that we were completely incompatible -- emotions are strange like that). If you have any other similarly unmistakable experiences, I would suggest reflecting on them for a bit, and then pushing the issue from your mind. It is definitely possible to think about something too much, especially when emotions are involved.
Actually, that's a good point. I wonder if this whole self-doubt thing comes from previous interest in women (at least emotionally)?
People, as they are coming to terms with being gay, play all sorts of games with themselves. Most of this is happening in the unconscious, or between conscious and unconscious, and the result is the sort of confusion you're feeling. Straight men don't look at guys and find them attractive. Straight men don't masturbate thinking about guys. Straight men don't look at the men in straight porn, or look at gay porn. And if they do participate in any of the above activities, they don't get aroused by it, the physiological response is basically "Meh" at best. So if you find yourself doing the above activities, likely as not you're gay, or on the gay side of bisexual. But as you are coming to accept it yourself, you *will* have all these games going on, because that's part of the "bargaining' stage of the process of accepting the "loss' of your identity as straight (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance). And I think if you just sit with it, and don't stress about the label or the meaning behind the label, and just let it be... it will become clearer. One "homework" task that sometimes helps is to take a period of time -- say 3 days -- and, for those 3 days, just internalize the idea that you are definitely gay. Look at guys and girls, go through your daily life, watch porn, masturbate, whatever, all the while thinking that you're gay, and see how it feels. And then, if there's still a question, do the opposite: take 3 days and internalize the idea you're straight and repeat everything. Usually by the end of the first experience it's clear where you fit, because it will either feel really right or really wrong. But even if not -- and sometimes, if you just aren't ready to accept where you are, it can still take time -- you learn something from it, and you can still just sit with it and let it be, and know that you'll eventually figure it out.
That could be a part of it. I haven't been able to reconcile the fact that I liked girls when I was younger (elementary school into some of middle school). For a while looking back I looked straight, and then bi. It's like I started out liking girls and my life up until now has been a slow reverse of my attractions, with me now thinking I'm gay. Maybe I am trying to force myself into a label that doesn't quite fit because it's easier than being in some grey area.
If I were you, I'd hold it with the labels. I do believe you are probably gay, as you haven't mentioned girls at all. I used to like girls too, I used to imagine myself doing 'things' with girls and being in a relationship with girls, I've even felt that I've loved girls in my early teens. I do none of those things now, ever. When I was younger I think I was a little bisexual (idk :S) and then it all leveled out when I got into my later teens - I've always had same-sex attractions though. Just let things work themselves out, it'll all probably become clear eventually. Don't force yourself to be something that you're unsure about. I wish you all the best and hope things become a little clearer.
Society teaches us to expect to be attracted to the opposite sex. When you are young and you haven't realized that you are gay, you think that it will happen. You see all kinds of portrayals of straight romance everywhere around you, and you want that for yourself. So you pick out a favorite among your peers and fantasize about "falling in love." Or, I suppose, you even fantasize about having sex--because that's something grown-ups do, and you are looking forward to growing up. And also, in your peer group, boys and girls are not very different-looking physically when we're that age, especially since they are all wearing clothes. We haven't developed secondary sexual attributes, and the primary ones are hidden. So if the girls you liked were your own age, that's a factor as well. It sounds like after puberty, your feelings have been directed toward guys. There is a reason that a lot of people figure out their sexuality in high school; that's when you first really develop sexual feelings, and your peers develop the secondary sexual characteristics that will attract you, depending on your sexual orientation. And then it takes a little while to collect data (notice your attractions to various people) and come to conclusions (determine what your sexual orientation is). So if your main interests during high school have all been guys, I think it's pretty reasonable to come to the conclusion that you are gay. I think I would have figured it out at about your age, but my parents got divorced right then, and I think it interrupted my progress. By the time I was ready emotionally to get back to thinking about dating or my sexual orientation, I guess I kind of thought that if I was gay I would have figured it out by then. I didn't figure myself out until I was done with college (and I took some years off during college, so I was older), and I was unemployed for a couple years, so I basically had nothing else to do. By the time I came to the conclusion that I was gay, I was about 29. Be glad that you are able to deal with this now, and not in ten years.
I would just like to add that I have, will, and currently experience this fron time to time. Like sometimes, I feel like I am convincing myself that I am gay, for hundreds of reasons. And it is not like denial, it is simply that I am so paranoid in making a mistake in my label, when in actuality, especially as I am so young, it is all fluid. If I followed my own advice, I would have ditched labels long ago.really, you don't need one. Don't stress about it. That's all I have to add. If you must label yourself, go with what feels right, and don't worry about changing your mind. Good luck xx
You 're not alone because I feel the same exact way. I mean, I always supported the LGTBQ community, so when I started questioning(still am sort of) I wonder if it's because I wanted to be one. Now , I can't deny that I find women atractive but men still make my brain fuzzy. Just think about having a relationship with a guy and how it might make you feel that's what helped me. I hope all goes well for you
yep! i wondered same thing. try to get over thinking it is evil by telling myself i am gay. weird huh? so i am sure i am ftm, but orientation is mostly straight...and i not say 100% straight as though i really like women, i have had little thoughts of being a guy with a guy it kinda worries me. ---------- Post added 28th May 2012 at 06:24 PM ---------- ok, well I've pretty much exclusively masturbated to idea of me being on top of a woman as a man fucking her since i was in high school, and recently looking at porn, i totally am cheering for the guy hoping the girl enjoys it. but, seeing 2 girls is boring, it is like they take forever, and i can't get what they see in it, even though i have been told guys like to watch girls get it on, it is kinda boring...no penis and they use fingers?? really? eh. but i did try to watch gay porn, and it was kinda good, i mean there are 2 penises, that is far better then none! but i still way prefer and get off with a guy with a girl. its hot! So, i need therapy huh. Why do i want to fuck a girl? why do i want to have a girlfriend and have sex like that? i don't understand why i want a penis so much and to be able to have kids that way.
I'm so happy you posted this, as I've been having similar feelings lately. I went through this progression of "I like kissing girls, but I don't to have sex with them" to "I want to have sex with a girl, but I don't want to date one" to "I want a girlfriend, but I still like guys" to "I'm gay". And I was totally comfortable with each stage, none had really caused me that much emotional distress. After coming out to my friends and family (who are all so amazing that neither was really a big deal), everybody could see how much happier and more confident I was, it felt so right. And I stayed thinking I was gay for about 6 months, and now I'm starting to have that "am I really gay, or am I just trying to pigeon-hole myself?" I know that I don't want to date or sleep with men...I've tried twice in recent months to even kiss a guy, and I was so turned off by it that I stopped it after only a few minutes (and these were both ex-boyfriends of mine who I was sexually attracted to once upon a time). I know that I only want to date and sleep with girls, I FEEL gay, that's how I'm most comfortable identifying. But why am I all of a sudden second-guessing half of my thoughts about women, wondering if I'd feel the same way if the girl in my fantasies (sexual, romantic, whatever) was a guy? As somebody mentioned previously, I do think it has a fair bit to do with my previous attraction to men. Like, how can I really be gay if I've enjoyed sleeping with and fallen in love with guys in the past? How did I have not only no attraction to girls, but an active aversion to the idea of being with a girl, till the age of 14 or so? Judging by how many people are saying that they've experienced this though, I'm starting to feel a little more normal, and I hope you are too!
First and foremost - what Pret Allez said. My only advice on top of that is just kinda limit the conviction upon which you may announce your findings. I speak from personal experience when I say that even after you have a couple homosexual relationships, starting a hetero one again is going to feel incredibly awkward when people try to compile the new you with the new relationship. In my case it just led to people thinking I was doing an 'in' thing... Anyway Just be you and as Pret said, Just be yourself.
This happened to me, and still happens, but this time its the other way around! Lol. And it feels weird, like ..i do like girls at some level but nothing compared to guys, and when i think "That girl seems to like me, shes pretty attractive, i guess i would stay with her." right after i think: "Wait, what am i thinking? I'm not supposed to be rainbow :T ?" and it fees...kind of wrong, i dont know why lol. But yeah... i guess its normal, some people go trough this kind of thoughts, be them gay oriented or straight oriented. But in the end, i think you should think and do what feels right for you in the moment..like, you are feeling attracted by guys right now, in this moment, then its guy's! If its girls, then its girls! You don't have to say "I am gay", or "I am curious", "I am bi", really...you are you, and thats the most important !
Oh this is definitely a thread that I can relate to. Growing up around my early to mid teens, I had fantasies of being gay and I enjoyed it and gained comfort from it before going off to sleep (and still do so to this day a lot of the time I'm embarrassed to say). At the time, I thought it was just a comfort blanket to get away from reality and that I was just making myself gay to see what my life would be like under that ideal and that I would be straight in real life. However it turns out that I was gay, so the older I got, the more likely it was that I was gay and of course, I am. There are times I wonder if my fantasies made me gay, but it's a little niggling thought in my mind. Of course, there are days when I finds girls attractive and can say they look good, but rarely do I ever think I can get sexually attracted to them.
Thanks everyone who has replied, you are all really helpful. It's good to know that I'm not alone in this. That said I need to just relax and let it happen and stop working at it.
