Scared ex football player

First of well, welcome to the site - hope ya like it here.

Chances are it's not going to be so easy to "let the whole bi thing go out the window." If you already know that being bisexual is part of who you are, then the best thing would probably be to deal with it - after all, you talk a lot more about wanting to be with a guy in this post, and in your hypothetical situation, it's the other guy that might get a girlfriend, not you. Not trying to draw too much out of it or anything, just saying.

As for your experiences with guys, I'm sorry to hear it's been rough. I'd like to think the gay community is more accepting than that, but the reality can often be very much the opposite. :dry: I can at least tell you, though, that there is no such thing as "too masculine to be bisexual." You look the way you look and that's fine. In fact, there are lots of guys who are looking for someone just like you. For what it's worth, I'm into sports, working out, and having a few beers with friends too. So there ARE some of us out there - not everyone fits into the mold.

Family is another issue, but there's not much you can do about that - they'll suspect whatever they want to suspect. It's hard to see cousins and siblings all getting married and starting to have children, but in time that smooths out (there are only so many relatives to get married, after all). It's much easier when there isn't a new wedding every year.

Try to hang in there, and keep posting as much as you like. You are wanted, you just need to find the right people.

 

Reading through your whole post, even though you identify as bi, you list all of your experiences and troubles with regards to finding a guy. Keep in mind that if you're bi, you (presumably) like guys AND girls. Don't go hunting just for one or the other, just date whoever you feel attracted to.

Unless this is a case of you think you might actually be gay (or have a strong attraction to guys) but are more comfortable saying bi, which does happen. Because honestly, re-reading through your post I can replace "bi" with "gay" nearly every time and it still makes perfect (if not more) sense. But I'm not trying to make assumptions; if you're bi, you're bi.

Let me put it bluntly: if you try and "let the whole bi thing go out the window" you will be miserable. I guarantee that. It might seem like the "smart" or "good" decision right now, but soon enough you'll be tired of trying to hold up that facade... trust me, it's just not a good idea. What's worse? Being miserable and honest (out with no dates) or miserable and lying to yourself (not "bi" and still no dates)?

As for dating, well, let me lay it out this way:

- you don't "look" like you're into guys
- you don't tell people you're into guys
- you don't go to any places that are "hotspots" for gay/bi guys

...remind me how exactly you plan on finding a guy who likes guys? :lol: I'm not saying you have to fit every stereotype and live within the gay/bi community in order to find dates, but it's pretty hard to meet people if you have no intent on networking (besides online dating, which doesn't seem to be working for you). And really, it's the same for straight people too... they can't find dates if they don't tell anyone they're looking; the only thing they have going for them is people usually assume they're interested in the opposite sex, you just have to be a bit more forward about it. It might be time to push your boundaries and branch out a bit. Have you considered coming out to other people?

 

I feel ya. Even though I'm not bisexual, but I've been in the same boat and haven't had much luck with guys. I'd say I'm a pretty masculine guy too, and it's not that I try hard to act straight, I'm just me and I'm into sports, played quite a few, like to grab a beer and was in a fraternity.

It sucks, I know, the whole about this can suck quite a bit sometimes but there's definitely some good in it too. Guys will come, we're both still young and there's still plenty of opportunities to meet good guys and they're out there. I'm one of them And don't stress so much about the "masculine", "into guys", etc bit. I always encourage people to just be themselves, be open minded, love who you love and just enjoy life. It's short and it'll be a shame to let it go by worrying about things that nature runs anyways.

Hope you start feeling better. Don't fight yourself no matter what, because that'll be counter-productive. Maybe not today, tomorrow or next month but in a couple years or later you may come to have hoped you didn't

 

Welcome to EC!

First off, everything you're hoping for? Totally achievable. Having a boyfriend, or perhaps more of a "friend with benefits", as it seems you're more interested in the "friend" and "sex" portion than anything romantic. Two things I should point out though.

1. It's really easy to sort of work backwards. To sort of paint a picture in your mind of exactly what the guy will look like, how the guy will act, how your relationship will work, before actually meeting anybody. And then it can be easy to reject guys based on the fact that they don't fit the mental image you've drawn. "Well, I was thinking of somebody a bit beefier", "I was thinking we'd be working out and having sex pretty much from the get go", things like that. There's nothing wrong with fantasy, of course. But just make sure you know it's fantasy, and do your best to take each guy and possible relationship as they come. You don't have to accept them if you decide it's not something you're interested in, of course, but do give each one a fair shake.

2. It's hellaciously easier to find a partner, a boyfriend, a fuck chum, a friend with benefits, what-have-you from the other side of the closet door. Being out immediately lets everybody know you're on the market. And you won't have to worry about whether certain people might "find out" or if you're showing your hand too much...since everybody already knows. This doesn't mean you can't search (and find) such a guy while closeted - people have done it, and the fact that you're more interested in something physical/friendly than something romantic means it'll probably be somewhat easier. But it's something to keep in mind. You might not be ready to make a move now, but maybe it's something you'll think about working towards.

How do you find one? Well, you're in the LA area - that makes it somewhat easier. You might look at some of the gay gyms in the area. Or you might contemplate advertising online - say you're looking for a workout partner, and maybe something more. You'll need to be pretty clear in your ad, and you'll have to be sure to post it places that are most likely to get you what you're looking for. (If you're interested in a really good steak, you probably want to bypass Denny's, right? ) If that's something you're interested in, we can work on that via private message.

In regards to your family. It's the 21st century. Nearly everybody is aware that gay/bi people exist. Nearly everybody is aware that there's a decent chance that they know or are related to one, even if some people would rather not be. It may be that your family is massively homophobic, in which case, you might need to simply cut your family off from that aspect of your life. No, you don't have a girlfriend, yeah, you've had some possibilities come up, but no, none of them really floated your boat, repeat until they're sick of asking. Will they suspect? Perhaps. But you don't have to tell them if you don't want to.

And do feel free to post here as much as you'd like. Sometimes, just getting to talk to other gay and bi people can help you feel better about your spot in life.

Lex

 

i got a straight guy friend who is just like you. that is, BIG, black, very very big muscles in arms, and he is the most gentle gentleman. his current gf is going to have a baby very soon, and he is very excited. she is scrawny thing! but she loves him 100%, and got jealous once when his ex gf visited. he again chose her over the ex, hands down. he is just a caring person, but others do judge him wrong by sight.

i guess the good thing is nobody will try to beat him up!

the good thing for you to see is, that a real kind girl who is not the wrong one will not be fast to judge you, but will get to know you for the real you, inside, and color and size are just the packaging, its the gift in your heart she wants to keep.

best of luck to you. now stop worrying and searching bars, and start just being the natural nice you and watch them come running to your arms!

 

hello caligrad. since you are black/latino and masculine, i am going to share my own experience. what you are looking for sounds like a brother on the DL. if that is the case, i would advise you to stay clear of the bars and clubs. im going to tell you the real deal and you can do whatever you want wiht that info.

not sure of your racial preference or if you have one, but if you're looking for someone like yourself (black/latino), your best bet is a website (preferably a reputable one). clubs and bars are whack, just the same people there trolling for "new meat". they'll be right back there next weekend and next month. they want sex usually and that's all they are about. if you're interested in sex and hookups, this coudl be a great place for you to scout for new talent. if you're looking for someone with a lil something going for theirselves.....you may luck up, but that's a big "may".

sounds like you probably want someone that you guys can go to a straight bar or straight club and hang out and have fun and kick it and nobody knows you two are also together. if that is the case, you're not going to find a person like that in a gay bar/club. they are pretty much out there and that also means they have friends and that also means the friends talk and blah blah blah. if you were out or wanted to be more out, that wouldn't be such a problem but sounds like you still want to be in the closet so best to find someone that shares that idea for now.

the thing is you're big, you're black/latino, you sounds built and that you play sports and that NOONE woudl imagine you're into guys or bi. so that is something that is something a lot of guys would want, but it's also something that makes it hard for you because the exact same guy like you may think you're hot, but he is not going to step to you because he would think you're straight and may fight. if people think you are a gangster then the other guy is probably going to think twice before stepping to you.

i would advise you to steer clear of the downlow games as well. this is all the looks and stuff that happen in the gyms. this usually leads no where and if it does lead anywhere its only leading to a hookup. if that's what you want, ok, so be it. if you're hot, bi guys that are closeted liek you will check you out and may make lowkey flirts with you. but again, they for sure are not going to want to be wrong so you will end up in a guessing game which is a headache.

for now, stick to online until you get more comfortable seeing what else is out there in the real world.

also, realize that the bi thoughts aren't going anywhere. even if you get married, it will still be there so it's probably best now to handle it at your age, then cheating on your wife 5 years into with and being one of those dudes staring at other dudes in the gyms or out and about at malls and such.

also, you are NOT alone. but the macho culture you're in makes it such that people feel the need to hide. one tip is when you are thinking about coming out, come out for your own self of truth and authenicity, but do not come out thinking "ok, i will come out and i will have better options of meeting the people i want to meet." that's unfortunately not true. you will definitely meet more people, but it doesn't mean they will be any better than what you have experienced thus far. being "out" doesn't mean you have have anything more or less going for yourself, it just means they are "out". make sure that being out is about you finding inner peace and happiness and not "oh im going to come out so i can meet someone".

last thing, when you think you are the only one checking out other guys in a room, i promise you there were probably other guys checking you out as well and saying to theirselves...."i wish i knew how to get at dude, but i do not want to look "gay"".

good luck

p.s. also ask yourself, what do you really want. you said you want the ideal guy but then if he gets a girlfriend you said you'd be cool with that too. you also said you would like a girl that is understanding of your situation. here's the truth, if you find the ideal guy and he dumps you for a chick, you are going to be hurt. you're human and you got feelings. so if you're in a "relationship" wiht him and he leaves you for a girl, how secure, safe, and trusting, could the relationship be. that sounds more like a "situation" than a relationship to me. as far as at the girl, if you tell a girl upfront your situation, she may or may not be into you. girls are not going to want to compete with the idea that a man can take you away that looks better than they do. girls get very very insecure about this. however, once you are in a relationship with her and she feels secure with you, if you told her you were bi but were not going to act on it and had no desire to because you're with her, im pretty sure she would stay. if you told her you want to do guys on the side while you're with her, then she is not going to go for that and you really shouldn't be in a relatinship with her if that's the case unless she is bisexual too or open for a open relationship. maybe just take time now to get peace on what you want. its hard knowing for sure you want a long term relationship with a guy when its sooo hard to meet someone you even like. so i feel where you are. good luck

 

yep, the online thing is just like the club thing. so you do not have to go to the club to know what it is like. there will be the same people there. probably the same ones online too. and if you go again, they'll be right there too.

the best thing i can tell you if that if you're masculine and you are into other masculine dudes, and you're tired of the online thing, you got two options.

Option 1. Get your gaydar game up and check for signs...lingering eyes, extra extra friendly dudes, random conversation from strangers, and random smiles from guys. if you are feeling someone and you think they may be feeling you, play it cool and play it on a "friend" vibe. that means just treat the guy like you would anybody else you want to be friends with. do not assume he is gay/bi. you could be wrong. but if he is gay/bi and is is feeling you enough to show his cards a lil bit, he will definitely let you know after a while (random texting you, asking you to hang out 1 on 1, etc.). these are the down low games i told you about earlier. the only problem with this is that even though you may be right and he may be feeling you, he may be so closeted and can't even admit to himself that he likes you so even if you eventually come out to him, he may lie adn say he is not gay. again, this could be bad, so proceed with caution, only give them as much as they give you and vice versa. always stay in a position, where they only thing they can say is that you were just friendly that way if you gotta back out of something or if you were wrong, things do not get outta hand. personally i think this option is a headache and too much energy wasted on wondering if someone is or isn't gay. who has time for all of the back and forth only to end up finding out you were wrong or you were right but he is lying. but it is an option.

option 2: get some gay friends. i highly recommend this. feeling like you're the only one like yourself SUCKS. it wears away at your self esteem. especially if all your friends and fam are straight, you always feel like the odd man out inside of your heart. so having some other guys (a few not a whole gay posse at first unless you want a large number of friends) that you can just hang out with is good. less is more. and true friends are hard to come by. so use your judgement on who you let in. it helps you see that you're not alone and you start building up some support. also, you may be able to meet people through them. people have house parties and stuff like that all the time full of guys that are just like you, but you will not know about it because they do not want everyone to know their business and without knowing the friends, you will never get invited to these things.these are the types of people that would never go to a gay club but yet they are gay/bi. again, the only down side to this is all the energy in hiding is not good for your self esteem in the long run, but in the short run, maybe you could meet people that way.

option 3: affinity groups that have people like yourself in them. someone told me about this group/link below. i am not a part of it. but could be something of interest to you. there are also gay sports leauges where you can definitely meet other gay masculine guys that would definitely be into you, but you have to be "out" for this. if you're not ready for that then, it might be something you consider later down the road after trying things at your own pace. good luck. http://www.thebgmnetwork.com/

 

you betcha! PM me anytime.

 

hey whats up bro?

your story sounds pretty similar to mine. im a very masculine dude, 100% closeted and i'm bi. i actually found someone (on cl) in a similar situation who lives 2 hours away. we started out talking for 2 weeks before we met and we've been together for about 6 months and its been pretty good, although there is the usual relationship bullshit that comes with the territory.

I saw what you said about you being ok with him getting a gf but its way harder than that. My guy is 6 years younger than me and has a new born with his ex. At first it didn't bother me at all, but over time I've become somewhat jealous of that whole situation. I know they're not together but once you're in love with someone its only natural to feel this way. he's also very uncomfortable when i talk to any of my ex's, which is understandable. I'm telling you this bc although i'm sure you will find what you're looking for, its not as easy and black and white as you would hope it to be. This is the first dude/dude relationship for both of us but its pretty cool... its cool that we can hang out in public without worrying about people wondering about us. I'm still a little worried about the future since i do want kids but i'm just taking a day by day approach. I'm a few years older than you but we're still young. Don't let people pressure you into settling down. Half of those people wish they were young and single, regardless of what they say.

this post was probably pretty incoherent, but i'm trying to type this before my friend gets to my apt haha good luck with everything ,hit me up if u wanna talk bro.