emotionally drained - can't take much more of this.

Please talk to someone about what you are going through. I am currently working with a therapist to get my head around my recent shift in desires. I have blown my family off and I have created such bad vibes that I seem to repel people, but not intentionally. I have had to had to talk to my family about my sexuality and it is a little better. It does get better, slowly but surely, it will get better.

 

Welcome aboard... cause we were in the same boat.

I did the same thing. I was bitchy and depressed and snapped at people. It culminated in me coming out. That was my crossroads. You might not be ready to come out yet, but this might be the way your totally sane, totally normal brain is letting you know "hey, you can't do this forever."

Talked out all of your feelings here, it helps tremendously, trust me.

 

I used to feel exactly the same, before I suddenly (it was very sudden) accepted and embraced it. I started to watch a lot of videos about being gay and reading a lot of articles, looking at forums (like this one) and seeing that others are in a very similar situation. All of these things made me realise that it's not something I can change, it's not something I should want to change and that it's a part of me.

I went from being very very scared and like you denying my sexuality, to really accepting it. It was a very quick transition (not sure if others have experienced a similar thing) and I have never looked back. Like others have said, discuss it some more and try watch some videos (coming out stories etc.), because that really helped me a lot.

 

it has happened to me many a times. i m not gona give u any advice bt will tell ya what i do wen i feel i m in a bad mood.
1. go and hang out with ur closest frens
2. listen to ur favourite music
3. think about only a day at a time. like what will i do today . never think too much abt future. how will i be happy later. blah blah.. jus plan for a day max tmrw. abt college?school
etc
4. keep urself busy with ur wrk / hobbies.
5. wenevr u feel sad do one small good thing for smbdy anybdy and anything wich makes smbdy smile. for eg give ur mom/old teacher/lost frens a call jus to say hi

 

ya so u cn go with no 4

 

I go through the same sort of deal sometimes. In my case, it's when people, family or friends (more so the former) get on my case for something either important or irrelevant and I snap at them partly down to that issue alongside the back stabbing thought that my sexuality would make things worse if they knew.

It's the idea that our sexuality would make us appear worse to the people we love that makes us snap at others and it's something you need to try and forget about it, otherwise it will as you say make you emotionally drained.

 

I was really harsh to my family when I was going through the same thing... so I feel you. Try try try your hardest to not break those relationships. I'm still feeling the after-effects of doing that now, 2/3 years later, even though I'm in a way better place than I was before. It's one of those things you can't "undo".

I don't know if it'll work for you or anything, but if I remember how I was feeling... it sounds like you're at a point where it's always on your mind, but you don't want to think about it. If I had to suggest, honestly, just take some time and do nothing but think about it. Watch "it gets better" videos, do research, lurk EC a lot, just do whatever you can to actually let yourself explore the idea of being gay. Right now, your body and mind are working so hard to prevent yourself from thinking about something that is literally taking over all of your thoughts anyways... it might be worth it to stop resisting momentarily and see that it really isn't that bad.

But again, that might not help. Only you really know what's good for you, right? If talking with me would help (for some reason, maybe because I can relate), feel free to let me know.

 

i feel that all the time , i need vacation alone but cant do ... !

 

I'm sorry to hear about your mom (and your family dynamic).

But yeah, that's partly why I was suggesting to just let yourself think about it for a while... in hopes that maybe you'll come across something that helps break down some of those notions you were brought up with, and that will stick because you're letting it stick. If that makes any sense.

This part I'm about to say I'm even more uncertain about than the first stuff (so if someone wants to give insight, I'd appreciate it) but if you felt remotely comfortable with it, maybe talking about some of your personal stuff with your mom might help take her mind off her troubles. This depends on your dynamics of course, she might honestly just not want to talk about it, but it's a possibility I suppose. :/

 

I used to go into a state of not wanting to talk to anyone or just wanting to be left alone. I just to take it as just a bad day but maybe it was related to the denial stuff. I still sorta do it sometimes and well I just think... one day it'll get better. Stupid thing is a I know my family would accept the fact that I'm gay, just haven't plucked up the courage to tell them yet

 

Oh god, you sound like me. I did that for a while until I realized I was hurting people who never hurt me. Now I just give people a sad smile and go off by myself when it gets bad. Sorry to end here - g2g!