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still struggling

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by canadaguy987, May 29, 2012.

  1. canadaguy987

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    Hey everyone,

    Posted here about a month ago...I've been questioning my sexuality and it's taken over my life...I question every day and it's all that's on my mind. The tough part for me is that somedays I decide ok you're gay just go with that and then something flips and I feel straight again...I guess the best thing for me to do is to tell you guys about my last few days...I met this girl the other day and was really attracted to her. She was just the type of girl I would want to spend my life with, she was cute, fun, and had a gorgeous smile. Unfortunately she lives in the states so I won't be able to see her again. I felt very straight but then last night I had a dream in which one of the guys from modern family was hitting on this good looking gay guy and i woke up with an erection...this made me feel very anxious and I really didn't know what to think. I do find men attractive, guys like Zac Efron, and Chace Crawford...I've also looked up videos of men kissing and find those guys attractive but don't feel like I want to kiss them or have sex with them. I've watched gay porn and it doesn't do it for me...girls on the other hand when I think about them or are with them I do get erections and it feels right...I'm ust worried that I'm one fo these guys who's in serious denial and my anxiety over this is spinning out of control...I'd really like to speak with you guys about this and see what you think. I'm really struggling here.
     
  2. zerogravity

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    I read a couple of your posts and you sound to be primarily heterosexual and incidentally homosexual. So maybe you are bi, but it's impossible to tell without being you. It doesn't sound like you are gay. Have you heard of the Kinsey scale?

    About the cumming thing I would be willing to bet that it is almost 100% due to alcohol which is a depressant of the nervous system.
     
  3. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Take it from someone who's been there, done that (the questioning, that is)...

    A sure-fire way for you to figure this out is to experiment. Experimenting doesn't make you gay. But it would give you a clearer idea of who and what you are. If it turns out you enjoyed the time with a man more than you did with a woman, you may be gay. If you liked it just as much, you're bisexual. If you hated it... you're obviously straight.

    Experimenting doesn't have to include sex, but if you're really struggling then it may have to go that far for you to really know. My experimenting (f + f) only went as far as kissing, though I've messed around with my female friend (touched her breasts) once while we were joking around. Do whatever you're comfortable with. But you really need to put yourself out there and try things for yourself to know for certain
     
  4. canadaguy987

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    Thanks for the replies...I think experimenting is something I'd consider just so I can really figure things out. The issues I have to work out before that is that I need to stop questioning my feelings and trust myself to make the right decision...otherwise I feel like I'll experiment nad then question whether I really liked it or not and the feelings I felt....second I find it's either for a girl to experiment I feel society is much more accepting of that...I'm really concerned that if I decide to experiment someone will see me who I know and then just assume that I'm gay. I feel like if a guy is experimenting or even bisexual a lot of people go oh he's gay and that's that...

    ---------- Post added 29th May 2012 at 05:29 AM ----------

    oh and I have heard of the scale...it does make a lot of sense to me on how I feel...it's tough because being attracted to women feels so normal because of how society has raised me so when I notice an attractive woman it's just normal but when I notice an attractive guy it throws me into a panic because of the way things are....
     
  5. insidehappy

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    in modern times people have made it seem like if you have any homosexual thought, you're gay and you have to be with men exclusively for the rest of your life. they will also say that if you like women, that you really do not like women and that you're only using women as a cover to hide your denial and shame about your homosexuality. for some this is true, for others it is not. sexuality is fluid for most humans, but societal norms, mores, cultures, and taboos condition people to believe that they are either one or the other and that if you are straight, you are 100 percent straight and that straight men do not have thoughts about men. this is not true. many men that are successfully married with kids also have thoughts about men. some act on it and some do not. my point is that you have the right to like who you like. you body is not lying to you. you are attracted to women. you are also attracted to men. now here's what you have to figure out. WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW AND WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT MORE. the societal and cultural stuff can make you feel a repression or distaste to liking members of the same sex. i liken it to eating foods that are considered "bad" for you. have you ever wanted a cheeseburger and fries and milkshake and you feel really guilty for eating it, you try to avoid eating it, everyone says its fattening and it's not good for you, but every once in a while you have it and it tastes so good but you purposefully stay away from it because it's considered a "bad food". that is how sexuality is. if someone tells you something is bad long enough, you will already think its' the pits and try and stay away from it, even though you want it.

    you can totally get married if you meet the right girl. but if you have lingering thoughts of guys that are presently consuming you and the anxiety about men is presently consuming you, that indicates that you are struggling with your sexuality. you may find out after having the burger and fries that you really do not prefer it that much at all. that is was something that was ok, but you do not need to keep eating it. you may find that you really like it. but the best way to move past the anxiety is give yourself the freedom to sample what's on the menu.

    imagine a food court at a shopping mall..... they give samples all the time. Hey come here and try this, hey sir, do you want a sample of orange chicken. what do you do at the mall food court.... you try different samples to see if you like the food. sometimes you take a bite and its digusting, sometimes you have a sample from a place you would have never gone to and you love it and you decide to eat there. but you try the different samples so YOU can figure out what YOU want to eat. if you take a sample and you do not like it, what do you do? you walk away and move onto something you really do like. If you do not like it, you are not going to sit there, waste your money and order a big plate of crap you do not like are you? NO. same with your sexuality. right now, give yourself permission to mentally "sample" what's on the menu. doesn't mean you have to go out and have sex with everyone. it could just be as easy and seeing a guy you're attracted to at the mall and allowing yourself to think "wow, he's hot and it's ok for me to think he's hot". or "wow, she's hot, and i do not feel bad because i think the guy she is with is hot too". mentally allow yourself to be ok with feeling attraction to people. do not condemn yourself.

    here's a little bit of homework. this week i want you to go about your daily life and keep a journal. while you are living your day to day and night to night life, allow yourself to be attracted to whoever you find attractive. remove any level of condemnation for it. this is a freebie week where you can "like" anyone you want to like and not feel bad for it. if you see a guy at teh grocery store and you think he is hot, allow yourself to think that. if you see a girl and you think "wow, i would like to be with her" allow yourself to think that. this week you do not have to approach anyone or talk to anyone. just allow yourself to "like them". each night before you go to bed, write in a journal about who you saw that you liked. keep a list. again, do NOT feel condemned or bad about the list. make notes on who really made you excited or who if you had a chance you would have loved to talk to.

    at the end of the period (four days/5 days), look at the list. what did you find? start there. you may find that you have to do it for another week as well. the main part of the homework is to not associate any condemnation with yoru attractions.

    the next part of the homework (week 2 or week 3) is to explore making contact with people you find attractive. this may mean, smiling or just saying hi. it may mean striking up a conversation with a stranger. it may mean just giving a passing head nod and smile or saying "hi" in passing. doesn't have to be anything major. keep a journal about how that made you feel when you did that? did you like it? did it feel like you wanted more? did you feel like there was any attraction there? again, no condemnation. you are just being friendly and not going out of your way to "cruise anyone" male or female.

    based on that exercise, week 4 is to have a longer conversation with a guy you are slightly interested in. this could mean, just having a conversation with a guy you think is hot. it could mean extending a "hello" to something random about sports if you feel the situation is ok and safe. it could mean chatting with a guy on a gay dating site anonymously. but at some point you will need to make contact (in person, via phone, or online) with a guy to see what you think....
     
  6. canadaguy987

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    Thanks for the advice you guys I appreciate it. Just trying to keep an open mind but proving difficult.