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Involuntary Cues

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Gazza123, May 29, 2012.

  1. Gazza123

    Gazza123 Guest

    This was mentioned in my other threads and I decided to start a new thread to find out what involuntary cues people know they do that give themselves away as gay or have noticed in other people.

    :confused:
     
  2. DanA

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    Hmmmmm, that's hard. I dunno, the cantor of my speech probably now because I'm more comfortable with myself and it's more natural. I'm not trying to be the gruff straight guy anymore.

    This is something that isn't mentioned about coming out when you were as closeted as I am. You're almost a new person. I mean, it feels good, don't get me wrong, but I'm discovering things about myself now that I've repressed. My mannerisms have slightly changed, the way I speak (although, my speaking voice still sounds like if Tom Waits and James Earl Jones had a love child and that child grew up in Chicago), and my priorities have changed. I can explain it best with one word: clarity.

    Yenywho, the involuntary cue that gives my gayness away is probably the dick in my mouth.
     
  3. Gazza123

    Gazza123 Guest

    Is that really an involuntary cue :roflmao: but yeah that cue would defiantly give it away
     
  4. Chip

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    Geez, it's really hard to put into words, but there are a bazillion of them that are visual, some that come across in speech patterns, in the ways some gay men (and lesbians) dress, sometimes in hair styles, color, etc.,

    Yes, some of those are stereotypes and certainly not everyone fits all of them or even most of them. But almost everyone who is gay... a person with well-refined gaydar can tell.

    And as was said on the other thread... when you attempt to cover up the things that are "tell-tale", most of the time you actually make it more obvious, not less so.

    I realize that might be terrifying for closeted people but the truth is... unless you are obvious (and some people are, even when they have no idea they are), the only people who will know are gay people, and most who figure it out will be respectful and not out you, because they've been there themselves.
     
  5. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    My eyes have a habbit of drifting off to a certain back region on guys :lol:
     
  6. Ianthe

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    The cues I was talking about in the other thread are very subtle, so that even most people who pick up on them, pick up on them unconsciously. Then they "just know" that certain people aren't straight. I'm mostly talking about really subtle physical reactions, like changes in your breathing and when your eyes dilate when you see someone you're attracted to. And unconscious body language--if you are attracted to someone, you are likely to unconsciously turn toward that person more. And who you look at for slightly longer.

    There's just a bunch of tiny, unconscious, involuntary ways that we respond differently to people we are attracted to (even slightly, mildly attracted to). Some people are able to pick up on those things.

    Really, only people who have a lot of experience with people of different sexual orientations are likely to notice.

    (The more overt things are mostly non-normative gender behaviors--these are actually much less reliable. There are people who "act gay" in that way that are not gay. I have a female cousin who is all over tattoos--and I don't mean girly flowery tattoos, either. And she used to have her head shaved, too. But she's straight, and girly, girly me is the gay one. Gender things are in a part of the brain that is right next to the part to do with sexuality, but it's not the same part.)
     
  7. Deaf Not Blind

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    well i was told my fb pix there is some look in my face my eyes that says i am not a straight girl to at least women. :/ Damn. Even before I accepted it. straight guys seem to not see it at all though. :/ Damn.
    in person, however, some straight guys get to feeling i am not a straight girl, and they assume i am just very very very veery tomboy. :/ Damn. Even when I tried to hide it.

    Straight girls in person when i do go too far at being myself, they give me a sideways look of "you are weird." :/ always made me feel so left out. they act a certain way, talk a certain way, and EXPECT me to as well, and when i am just the funny guy i am, since they don't know i am a guy, i get the look...and at worst, they don't invite me around. it always hurt to not fit in, esp when i studied hard and tried my best to be a good fit. i guess tomboy is too much boy for them? oh well, i am not going to be trying to fit in anymore.

    so i guess something in my eyes from my soul, and my natural humor and ways of thinking and just existing, it gives me away. i can't really hide my personality or soul...so, no clothing i put on, hairdo, or anything i did could change their minds to thinking i was a straight girl. :/ Even before I could accept it myself. And I am a great actor too.
     
  8. Gazza123

    Gazza123 Guest

    Yeah. I understand... Now I'm just trying to think of some of things I do, well apart finding myself looking at a guy instead of girls
     
  9. Vanille

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    Lol mine too except with girls...I really can't help it. :icon_bigg
     
  10. Gazza123

    Gazza123 Guest

    Yeah. I look, few seconds go by and then "shit" turn away. It's a good job my glasses have transition lenses when I'm outside LOL:grin:
     
  11. Ianthe

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    Involuntary means that you can't stop it. So there is really no point in obsessing over it. Anyone who hasn't noticed already isn't going to.
     
  12. Gazza123

    Gazza123 Guest

    Yeah. I knows... I just tend to over think things.... a lot. I do it with everything
     
  13. BudderMC

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    I think a lot of them don't necessarily have to do with "being gay" or "liking guys" (though those are more obvious), but a lot have to do with the fact that you're acting like you're hiding something, or putting up a front.

    Like everyone else has said, they're hard to describe. But things like anxious/nervous behaviour tie into it, definitely. Maybe even putting emphasis on things you think are going to make people think you're straight (like talking about girls too much or something)? You can generally get a sense of when someone is uncomfortable with themselves around other people. You could chalk it up to the environment or something, but when it's with friends or other trustworthy people, well... that only leaves so many options.

    I think the big thing though is that really, most people won't pick up on these. The people with so-called "gaydars" (I'm talking LGBT, not about straight people with "gaydars" right now) will be able to pick it up because they've already been there and know how they acted. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  14. brocub

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    When straight guys start talking about women, I kinda zone out knowing "well, this has nothing to do with me. Time to think about naked dudes."
    Also, I kinda have this thing with my voice where's it's really soft. I'm never commanding cause I'm always kind of nervous. When I'm just with people I'm comfortable around, my voice gets deeper and louder cause I have more confidence.
     
  15. Gazza123

    Gazza123 Guest

    Yeah I'm sorta like that. I mean I don't have a feminine voice but I do sort of speak, softly, I'm not a very loud person as it goes anyways so maybe its just me being me.

    :icon_bigg
     
  16. Snapzilla

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    Somehow I don't even blip on most guys gaydar. I show up at one of my favorite gay bars, and talked to the owner one night, and until then he thought I was a straight guy there just hanging out with friends... Not sure why in that scenario I would make a point to be there every Saturday night, but mehh... As far as I know I have no 'tells'.
     
  17. brocub

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    I don't have a feminine voice either, brah. If I did, I think my roommate's boyfriend wouldn't have said to me that he doesn't trust me around her cause I'm the new guy :lol:

    Would you describe your voice, when it's soft, being kind of nurturing like a father speaking to his toddler? That's how I'd describe it for me. I revert back to the soft voice when the bros need advice and it gradually gets louder until I declare that we're gonna go in the middle of campus one day and ask random chicks if they think they're attractive. Come to think of it, I basically exist for them as a means of male intimacy (hugs, cuddling, bro talks, me having to reassure them that they're attractive).

    Anyway, back on topic, I've thought of other cues of mine: the fact that I never try and impress girls. I don't care if they think I'm a slob. I also openly question the gender roles in straight relationships asking why the girl doesn't pay, or why she orders more food than she can eat, or why he has to lie about what he's doing with his friends if she really loves him.

    Yup. My gayness shines as bright as uh... opposite my brain on exams.
     
  18. Gazza123

    Gazza123 Guest

    Yeah. I guess you could say its more nurturing in tone