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Constant questioning and depression?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by wtf123, May 29, 2012.

  1. wtf123

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    Hi. I'll post my story here in hopes it will help. Before I start, I'm fully aware that no one can "know my sexuality but me" but since there are many experts here I am in search of advice.

    I'M 16.

    OK. So this is obviously pretty personal and *sort of* graphic so yeah.

    Ok, well I am currently in constant questioning of my sexuality. I would prefer to be straight, but definitely am not 100%. I am definitely sexually attracted to guys, and somewhat emotionally attracted in the sense that I like making new friends and talking and all that, but can't really picture myself dating a guy. I watch gay porn, and have "experimented" with guy friends

    I tell everybody who asks that I am straight.

    That being said, I find myself more "emotionally" attracted to girls. However, I am hardly physically attracted to them. I do "hook up" with girls at parties, sometimes intoxicated, sometimes not, but it doesn't really arouse me. It certainly doesn't feel "wrong" to me or anything, in fact I do sort of enjoy it, but it's not something I fantasize about or something that really, well, "turns me on".

    I fully accept LGBT rights and openly voice my opinion that "gay is OK".

    However, I don't know if it is "OK" for me. I would accept myself if I was gay, but it's the constant questioning and anxiety that makes me wonder.

    My parents are slightly homophobic (even though I know that they would accpet me) and I do go to Catholic School, but this does not cloud my view. Or at least, I don't think it does. Like I said, I still openly voice my opinion of pro-gay rights, and I know being gay is not wrong. It is just something that upsets me that I might be.

    When I envision my futures I see a wife and a family.

    But my constant worries are that....
    What if I "realize" i'm gay after getting married?
    What if I am gay, what would my friends think?

    I guess typical things like that.

    For more background information, I have noticed gay instances throughout my childhood (being aroused in the boys locker room etc.) but also straight ones. When I was in middle school I only watched straight porn (I know it's young but whatever), and I did have a girlfriend (I've had multiple actually).

    Does anyone have any advice? Does it seem as though I am gay? I would totally accept myself as bisexual, but I would prefer to swing towards women.

    I don't know...
    any advice would be helpful.

    The constant questioning:bang: causes stress and anxiety, and even depression :frowning2:
     
  2. Lad123

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    It sounds like you are in denial...

    You said you are sexually attracted to guys and watch gay porn however you are not sexually attracted to girls. You also said you prefer to be bisexual swinging more to girls but I think this is your denial kicking in because how can you be bisexual if you are not sexually attracted to them?

    Many guys also think they can't picture themselves with another guy because we have been brainwashed to think that marriage and children is considered 'normal'. So try to be more accepting of yourself after all there is nothing wrong being gay :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Lad123, May 29, 2012
    Last edited: May 29, 2012
  3. wtf123

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    I mean obviously that's part of the question but then again I KNOW I am not 100% gay. I just am trying to sort of my sexuality, but I think it's a little more complex than just "gay in denial" if you actually sort through all the elements.

    I know that there is nothing wrong with being gay, as I stated.
     
  4. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC!

    Well, let's check off all the non-gay items in your post.

    ...I would prefer to be straight...
    ...(I) can't really picture myself dating a guy.
    I tell everybody who asks that I am straight.
    I find myself more "emotionally" attracted to girls.
    However, I don't know if it is "OK" for me.
    When I envision my futures I see a wife and a family.
    When I was in middle school I only watched straight porn (I know it's young but whatever), and I did have a girlfriend (I've had multiple actually).
    I would totally accept myself as bisexual, but I would prefer to swing towards women.


    Several of the items on that list seem to indicate what you WANT to happen, not what you ARE. Most of us gay people didn't sign up for it, the same way you sign up for intramural volleyball. "Hey, that sounds like fun - sign me up." We just realized we WERE. We realized we WERE attracted to the same sex predominately if not exclusively, and we sort of said "Oh, so I'm gay." (Some did it that quickly, some took years to accept it.) Many of the items on your list seem to be of the "I would rather be...", and most of us probably wished we were straight or bi-leaning-straight back when we were first working on it, as well. It's just, y'know, we weren't. :slight_smile:

    Reading between the lines, the other items on the list seem to suffer from "clues of omission" - things you didn't include, and one would assume you would in order to state your case compellingly. You watched straight porn when you were younger, but you don't seem to indicate that you found it hotter (or even as hot) as the gay porn you're watching now. You say you had a girlfriend, but don't indicate that you really found her sexually or even emotionally compelling. You mention being "emotionally attracted" to women, but nothing that follows seems to really emphasize that any - instead, you basically seem to say "I'll hook up with one, because hey, sex", which runs counter to what people usually do when they're "emotionally attracted" to certain people.

    It may be that there's more here that you simply haven't shared, but judging just by what you posted, I'd say you're at least bisexual-leaning-gay if not just plain gay. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  5. confusedlady

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    Maybe try not labelling yourself and just going with what you want to do? You don't want to date a guy so don't, you want to sleep with girls so keep doing it. Have you ever spoken to a therapist about this, maybe they can help you sort out your feelings...
     
  6. wtf123

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    This is definitely the mindset that I have and what I find to be MOST helpful, it's just when I think about the future, or get extremely depressed that I feel the need to question everything rather than just go with the flow.

    ---------- Post added 29th May 2012 at 11:23 AM ----------

    I found a lot of your advice to be helpful! However, I'll fill you in on those blanks.

    Obviously I found my girlfriend(s) compelling or else I wouldn't have dated them, emotionally compelling more than physically compelling, although the physical aspect WAS present.

    I'm not really the type of person that HAS to be emotionally attracted to someone to be physically attracted to them. I'm physically attracted to men. I'm emotionally attracted to women, and occasionally physically attracted to them.

    As for the "porn", it is "porn" and they both, um, fulfilled what porn is supposed to do :roflmao:

    So, in short, there are the blanks filled in. Maybe that will help you make a more informed assumption? Or maybe it will stay the same.

    I'm just frustrated with the answers I'm receiving, although I do enjoy that you all are being honest!
     
  7. confusedlady

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    Or maybe you have hocd. If you have no interest in being with a man, falling in love etc and only women then that could be a possibilty.
     
  8. wtf123

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    I definitely don't feel like I have that, after doing research. But I have a question? Aren't you married? With children?

    I mean, does it feel right? Even though you have gay feelings and you feel your sexuality constantly changes, are you happy in your marriage?
     
  9. rainbowfox

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    well I used to feel and behave really same as you. I always have been supportive about LGBT rights but couldn't accept it for myself. I always tried really hard, to force my self to get attracted to women sexually but it didn't worked, I always since puberty have been attracted to guys, sexually and emotionally (in romantic ways). there were always great deal of signs but I didn't wanted to see them. it's not to long that I accepted who I am, but it made me feel really better about life :slight_smile:
     
  10. confusedlady

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    With me I'm a bit complicated. I've been diagnosed with ocd so many times. I've had other thoughts that I obsessed about. I don't know if I'm gay/lesbian/bi. I've decided I don't care and am just going to go with what I feel. As it stands right now, I'm not happy, I can't stand the anxiety I get around my family/people I get close to. I feel better with a woman, if I actually do it I could be wrong. That's happened a lot...
     
  11. Lexington

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    Then why not just run with bisexual-with-a-preference-for-females, and see where you end up?
    Lex
     
  12. wtf123

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    That's what I'll try for now, but it doesn't end my anxiety for the future.
    :bang:
     
  13. Chip

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    I hate to keep repeating this, but since this person either didn't get the memo or refuses to acknowledge it,

    HOCD DOES NOT EXIST.

    It is a fraudulent diagnosis not recognized by anyone remotely credible, used by Christian crazies who are gay and in denial. It is not in the DSM, the "bible" of psychological disorders.

    It would be really nice if people who do not know what they are taking about would stop trying to fill people's heads with nonsense.
     
  14. Chip

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    Hi, WTF.

    (I don't think I've ever made that greeting before, but, hey, wtf. :slight_smile:

    You've gotten some really good advice here. I'm going to offer up a few other things that might be helpful.

    First, based on what you've said, I don't think there's any way you have OCD or HOCD, or any other mental illness, so please scratch that off your list. I get really annoyed when people raise unnecessary alarm bells, since it's stressful enough thinking about the basic issues without having crazy shit out of left field coming at you.

    Lex has already talked to you about the apparent omissions and contradictions, so I won't go over that again, but I think there's one big piece of this that's important:

    When we start to think about something that could have a major impact on how we view ourselves, it is very difficult, because of the way we analyze and categorize information, to incorporate new information that drastically conflicts with long-held beliefs. You've thought of yourself as straight for a very long time, your family and friends (presumably)
    think the same thing. So, the way our brains process information cognitively, any new information that comes in is evaluated against what we already know. If there's a lot of evidence that contradicts the new information, the new info is thrown away. If there's emotion tied to changing the existing information, it's even harder.

    Here's where the "stages of loss" come in...

    When any major "loss" occurs to us, such as, in this case, the "loss" of identity as a straight guy, there are stages we go through in processing it: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.

    The denial is tied in with the cognitive schemas I was describing above. Until the evidence is beyond overwhelming, too difficult to ignore... we deny it. And I think some of that is going on for you.

    But then (once you go throujgh the "goddamn it, I don't want this! Why me!" anger phase) you have the "bargaining" phase, which looks like "Well, I know I'm attracted to guys, but I really did like that girl when I went out with her" or "Well, I might hook up with guys now, but I know I'll eventually end up with a girl"

    Now this isn't 100% the case, but in a large portion of cases, people who identify as "bisexual" in the early stages of coming out are often using that label as a "bridge" to accepting themselves; it, too, becomes part of the bargaining process. Same with the "Well, I'm emotionally attracted to girls"... classic bargaining, and if I had a buck for every time someone on EC said that early on in their coming out... I'd have a pretty big wad of cash. :slight_smile:

    Here's the piece that creates the biggest challenge to acceptance: Shame. *All* of us, gay or straight, young or old, have shame. But people who are gay or bi have more of it than most of society, because we learn from an early age that being gay is "wrong", and we're constantly presented with homophobia in media, culture, religion, and our parents.

    And shame, reduced to its simplest, is the fear of not belonging. In this case, not being loved and accepted by family/friends/relatives/society, not "belonging" to the group of people that have a wife, kids, house with picket fence, and 2.3 children, not "belonging" to the conversations where guys talk about their girlfriends.

    Many of us "fit in"... we pretend interest in a topic, we avoid questions about who we think is hot, we dress a certain way or say certain things to be part of a group. But that isn't belonging; it's fitting in, and ultimately, it contributes even more to our shame.

    I suspect that you are gay. I also suspect that, in reading this post, you may feel anxious, upset, angry, violently disagreeing, or some combination. And I'm not saying this to upset you... but because I've been there. And so have many of the people here at EC. Almost word-for-word to what you've said.

    Acknowledging that you're gay (or on the gay side of bi) is going straight into the shame. Facing all of the fears about not belonging head on. Worrying about what your parents will say. Wondering what kind of shit you'd take if you come out in school. Again, many of us here at EC have been there.

    But the cool thing about shame is... the more you talk about it, the more it goes away. In fact, according to the research, about 75% of the shame goes away very soon after we start talking in a safe space about the things we're ashamed of... because we learn that, really, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

    I don't know how all of this sits with you. And, of course, I'm just some guy on a website offering an opinion, and I could be wrong. But if what I've written speaks to you, upsets you a bit... then there's probably something going on and likely some grain of truth.

    I'd be interested to know how this sits with you. And whatever the outcome is for you... all of us at EC are here to listen, to help, to offer suggestions and ideas. Our focus isn't on any particular outcome, just on you finding what your particualar truth is.

    Lex, I, and all of the rest of the advisor team are here to talk to you one-on-one if that would be helpful. Feel free to PM me or Lex or any of our staff if you'd like to talk. Otherwise, feel free to share your thoughts, or even rip my post to shreds. (I won't be offended.)

    I hope the above is helpful.
     
  15. Christiaan

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    Hey. I think that one of the problems gay men have to face is that they are not really presented with much of a prototype for a long-term relationship. If you are gay, it is likely that the reason you envision yourself with a wife and kids is that this is the only long-term prospect you have been given that has any attractive or wholesome quality to it. Naturally, you want to seek out peace and stability.

    You might want to try getting to know some older, established gay couples in your area. A lot of them tend to have vigorous domestic lives, and there are a few in my area who compulsively renovate their home in weird ways. If you have taken time to meet a few gay couples, you will find that you have a good prototype for what your life might look like a decade or two down the road, with a guy. A lot of gay men work out very good living arrangements and figure out interesting and creative ways to keep their domestic lives...well, lively.

    I think that would help you a lot in determining whether a gay relationship is really the thing for you. As it stands, you probably feel like your only real choices are either marriage and family (with a woman) or the unknown, and you are perfectly justified if you think that you would prefer to at least know where you are going. If you try to shine a light down that other path, you will find it a lot easier to figure out where you really want to go.
     
  16. Ianthe

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    Hello, and welcome!

    My experience is, people who come here in confusion, saying the things that you are saying--about being only physically attracted to the same sex but not emotionally, and how they really really don't want to be gay, and would rather be mostly straight and maybe just a little bisexual, and isn't that possible?--eventually, they identify as gay. I've seen it a whole bunch of times, as have most of the long-term regular posters here, like Chip and Lexington. That's why our instinct is to think that you're gay.

    When bisexuals are in their confused, denial stage, they say things more like:

    Then someone suggests that perhaps he is bisexual--which he thinks is the WORST IDEA EVER. He would much rather be gay than bisexual. Being bisexual would be terrible, and anyway, he doesn't think there is any such thing as bisexuality.

    The thing is, for most of us, our confusion about our sexuality isn't really confusion--it's denial. Deep down, you already know what your sexual orientation is, you just can't accept it, and the conflict between what is true and what you want to be true causes you to feel confused.

    When you are denying a truth about yourself, the truth is the idea that you are the most resistant to. The reason that you feel like it would be better to be bisexual and the bisexuals think it would be better to be gay is that the one that isn't true is easier to accept when you are in denial. Objectively, it is not better or worse to be gay or bisexual. They are different from each other, but one isn't really easier or better.

    If you were actually bisexual, accepting a bisexual identity would end your confusion. But it won't, because you aren't bisexual. Like I said, deep down you know this, and that's why you know that Lexington's suggestion will not resolve your confusion.

    There is nothing in your post that indicates any real attraction to girls. You might relate to them better emotionally, as friends--that's very common for gay men. But you are not attracted to them sexually. All of your sexual interest is in men. And that is what we call "gay."

    A girl who is dating you will absolutely expect for you to be interested in her sexually. It would be wrong to mislead her.

    Many gay people have a hard time envisioning a same-sex relationship at first. If you work on your self-acceptance, that will become easier.
     
  17. seeksanctuary

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    This is why the suffixes -erotic, -sexual, and -romantic exist. It is possible to be sexually attracted to one sex or gender, but emotionally attracted to another.

    I mean, for me personally, I think I am definitely homosexual, myself, but I think I am panromantic. I can emotionally love just about anyone, but me + male parts = score. I think sexuality is really quite complicated for some people (most/all people?), with different circumstances and aspects of relationships.

    Personally, I think you're homosexual, but I think it's possible you could be... homoflexible? Maybe? In the emotional department. And I understand having anxiety about the future. I was rather distraught when I came out as FTM, because I know that if I tried to have babies, I would emotionally ruin myself. Doesn't mean I wasn't sad over that loss.
     
  18. MyBloodIsBlack

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    When i was younger i was EXACTLY the same way. I never seen myself being mentally attracted to men, but it would seriously just gross me out to the point of cringing to think if having sex with a woman. Eventually sensual feelings developed towards men and less towards women. This may not be the same for you, but its still a possibility. Whatever the case, love yourself and be proud of who you are! :grin: