I feel like I'm dying inside

Just to avoid anyone getting confused, HOCD *DOES NOT EXIST.* It is a figment of the imagination of people who are usually uber-conservative Christian types who are in denial about being gay and looking for a way to justify it. There's no credible research showing it exists, none of the counseling, psychology, psychiatry, or social work associations recognize, it, it is not listed in DSM.

So please don't get confused by discussion of it because all it does is cloud the issue and confuse people.

This isn't to say that people with OCD might have issues about their sexuality, but that's a completely different situation.

For Prometheus, I don't think what you're describing has anything in particular to do with your anxiety; while the underlying anxiety might be contributing, what you're experiencing is very normal for anyone who is in the process of coming to terms with being non-straight, and especially so if it's something you've been dealing with for years.

I remember when I first started to come to terms with being gay, in my late 20s, and it caused a lot of anxiety-related symptoms in the short term, not to mention anger, depression, and all of the other 5 stages of loss processes. In fact, you will probably find that once you work through and process everything that's going on for you, the drugs you're on will no longer be necessary.

Confusedlady, Prometheus probably does not have OCD (I think we can assume this by virtue of the fact he is on medication and obviously seeing a psychiatrist to get the medication, who would have picked it up if it were, indeed, an issue) so please don't confuse the issue by projecting your issues onto his and telling him not to experiment because it might exacerbate an issue he doesn't have.

Mental health issues, particularly as they relate to coming out, are very complicated and we do people a HUGE disservice by offering armchair diagnoses based on limited information we get from a posting on a website. Everything that Prometheus is experiencing can be explained by the process he's been through in wrestling with the coming out issues; while there may be some underlying issues in addition, it's not our place to be speculating as to what they may be.

Prometheus, on the issue of therapy, I do strongly agree that it would be helpful for you. CBT can be effective at dealing with symptoms, such as acute anxiety, and giving you coping strategies, but given that you've been dealing with sexuality issues for some time, CBT is not going to be very helpful. You would do much better with an insight-based approach, which deals more with your past and upbringing, as these issues go to the core of why you're having such difficulty accepting yourself. In an overwhelming number of such situations, the issue relates to internalized homophobia and/or shame... the fear of "not belonging." And that's something a good therapist will be able to help you with in a relatively short time.

While there isn't much in the way of free therapy in the LA, thanks to the very rigorous licensing laws in CA, there are a LOT of intern therapists looking for clinical hours, so you can usually find someone who will work with you very inexpensively sometimes as low as $10 an hour, and certainly for $25 or $40 if you look and ask around. And in spite of what you might think, some intern therapists can be outstanding. But you should ask a bunch of questions and talk to several on the phone before choosing one. PM me if you want some tips on that.

 

One of the things that can really mess with all of this is the medications. Some of them can decrease arousal/desire, some delay or otherwise make ejaculation and orgasm all but impossible, and some severely decrease the intensity of orgasm. So that can confuse things.

But as far as I know, it doesn't affect actual attraction.

However, I'm a little confused: You on the one hand seem to only have experiences with women, and you don't really talk much about attraction to men, yet you seem to feel pretty strongly like the attraction is there.

So where are your masturbation fantasies? Men or women? Porn... same thing, are you looking at the guys in straight porn or the girls? On the street... do your eyes go toward men or women? These all help get an idea of where your natural attraction/orientation lies. And from there you can get a better picture of how to proceed next.

As for belonging... we are hardwired from birth to seek belonging, and it's reinforced all through our lives. We seek approval from parents, friends, teachers. And addicts are the people who usually feel most like they don't belong, which is where the addictions come in: they numb us so we don't feel the lack of connection. The "I don't care if I belong" is a common numbed response that is actually a protection against that desire for connection; sometimes that's in conscious awareness, but often we so convince ourselves that we believe it, it takes a long time to unwrap. But that is at the core of both addiction, as well as self-acceptance with regard to sexuality. Same with no one around you caring; that might be true, but YOU still care, at some level, about how people perceive you; that, too, is true of just about everyone except people who can't feel empathy at all.

 

The more you are speaking about this, it's sounding more like something tied to your anxiety and related mental health issues than a simple issue with sexuality. But as none of us here are mental health professionals, it's not our place to be telling you what you have (and I still don't think it's OCD, nor would I suggest that even if I did, because it's not my place to do so... hint hint...)

What you do need is a good mental health diagnostic workup. While they can do it, this isn't generally something that the psychiatrist will actually do; they are generally in too much of a hurry to spend the time to do the appropriate mental health tests and evaluations that would be necessary to make a proper diagnosis.

I would strongly suggest seeing a clinical psychologist with a specialty in diagnostic evaluation, rather than talking to your psychiatrist, in part because your psychiatrist has already given you a diagnosis and probably isn't going to be very excited about doing a full reevaluation. But if you see a psychologist and go through a diagnostic battery with him/her, and get a diagnosis, then the psychologist and psychiatrist can work together to find a plan that will best suit your needs. You might need medication, you might not... but what's clear is that you have a complex array of symptoms, and the current management of your situation, as you're getting it from your psychiatrist, is not doing you the benefit that you deserve.