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always known you were "different"?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Psychedelic Bookmarks, Jan 11, 2008.

  1. Psychedelic Bookmarks

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    lots of people say they always felt different from a young age, but they weren't sure how. was this your experience?

    i have always felt different to other people, but i didn't realise it was anything to do with being gay, because i am already very unusual in lots of ways. i never fitted in at primary school. this is because of lots of things, but the biggest thing is my intelligence. not to toot my own horn, but i am way cleverer (at school) than average, and at my primary school, everybody hated me for it. i only mention it because i thought my feeling of "difference" was mostly because of that. now i wonder whether it had other elements in it as well, such as the "gay" feeling. and it makes me keep doubting myself. i feel like if i were really gay i would have had this indefinable feeling. but i have always felt unusual for lots of reasons.... :icon_redf i know this is stupid but i keep thinking "what if i'm not really gay, maybe i've just convinced myself". i know it's stupid, but i can't help myself. does anyone have any thoughts or advice? :icon_redf
     
  2. Penguin

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    I know what you mean. I've always felt different, but only realized I'm gay a couple years ago. I've always been smarter, more introverted, and interested in strange topics. On the other hand, there certainly are dumb, extroverted gay people, smart, extroverted gay people, and dumb, introverted gay people.
     
  3. Cheese Love

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    I know exactly what you mean! I also often think that I've just "convinced" myself that I was gay.

    As for feeling different.. I was always a different kid and felt pretty alienated in elementary school and jr. high, but I didn't really feel different until jr. high. It was then I started to catch on that I didn't like boys like my friends did, but I still didn't know what any of that meant.
     
  4. Owen

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    I was definitely as a child, but I never saw myself as different. I was just me, and if people didn't like it, that was their problem, not mine.
     
  5. I didn't know all along. I figured it out at about 11 much to my chagrin ><
     
  6. acorn7

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    Yeah, it's pretty much the same for me. I've always stood out a little, but until a couple of years ago, it never crossed my mind that I was gay.
     
  7. Owen

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    That pretty much describes me as well.
     
  8. Zec24

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    I would have to agree with Cheese Love. I feel like I sometimes convinced myself I was gay. I did wonder for a while if I was asexual, I knew I wasn't into guys but I didn't really consider girls.

    I spent most of 7th-12th grade feeling different, I still feel different sometimes. Like I'm outside of things, or like I can't fully participate. The more I've realized I'm gay, the more I've come to understand why I felt different. There was always a part of me that just couldn't find a way to fit in with those around me.

    I knew from about age 14 on that I had crushes on certain girls and female teachers, and that I didn't like boys the way that my friends did, but I just never put two and two together. I think that is why we feel different, we feel we have no clear way to define ourselves. I could never quite put my finger on the reasons for why I felt different, I just did. It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized it was my sexuality that was the difference.
     
  9. Nodnarb

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    I've always felt different too. I've always wondered just why I am different. Sometimes I think it is because I'm gay, sometimes I think it is because of my 4th grade year(where I lost my bestfriend of 4 years and really spent the entire year alone, depressed with no friends), and other times because maybe my parents raised me differently(I've kinda thrown out that one tho). I've just never really fit in with everybody else I guess...
     
  10. Bevo

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    In my mind I have always thought of myself as different. I'm confident in performing arts and i'm really good at academics but i just never completely connected to the rest of the pack. I only really realised that i might be gay when i was 13 in year 7.
     
  11. ccdd

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    I have always felt that I was different. But then, I was always (and not meaning to boast here) top of the class, and there are other things aswell which could really explain why I felt so different. I mean, this whole gay thing, it's like, life is conspiring against me, *again*, to prevent me from being normal like everyone else. So yes, I kind of always felt different, and I think that being kind of lesbian has kind of compounded all those other differences - kind of like the icing on the cake!! But you know, when I realised, it all made sense, and I was like, "oh yes, that's why...."

    And yes, I too sometimes feel that I have convinced myself that I am gay. But you know, given that this puts us in a minority, why would we *want* to convince ourselves, unless we actually *were*? This is my counter-argument. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But certainly, for me, being gay is the simplest answer for everything (such as why I like women....)
     
  12. Proud1p4

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    Against the commonality, i actually did feel that different. I think the trait that separated me had more to do with the fact i had exceptionally poor social skills than having anything to do with my sexuality. I can't attribute any feeling of being "different" in that respect, until 5th grade, when i started noticing my preferences a bit more.
     
  13. Jim1454

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    I never quite 'fit in' either. I always had friends, but they were never a 'best friend' the same way others seemed to have a 'best friend'. I didn't feel I was part of the gang, even though that was more in my mind than how everyone else felt about me. I was voted twice to school council - VP in grade 11 and President in grade 12. I was chosen by my peers as valedictorian for my graduating class - yet I didn't feel 'connected' to my peers.

    So I think I can relate to how you're feeling.
     
  14. pirateninja

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    I did feel different for a looooong time. I didn't know I was gay, but I always felt different to the girls but not accepted by the boys. So I didn't fit in anywhere. And unfortunately I went to a primary and middle school where "different"="wrong", so I wasn't very well liked in my younger years. Fortunately I'm at a high school where "diversity is appreciated", and whether I'm different because it's my temperament or because I'm gay then thankfully I'm accepted.
     
  15. Paul_UK

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    I never fitted in with the other kids at primary school. Right from when I started at age 5 I didn't fit in with the groups of boys, and my few friends were all girls. As I went through primary school I started being bullied, and was in an emotional mess by the time I was about 10. I was sent to a small boarding school which was for boys with emotional issues, and it was there that I found myself fitting in and feeling more normal. It was also there that the gay realisation and denial started.

    So I can't say that I knew I was different as that would imply confidence that I didn't have as a kid. I knew I didn't fit in though, which is sort-of the same thing.
     
  16. sngl

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    That's exactly how I felt when I was younger and I still do to some extent. For a long time I felt that there is something that I'm missing, something that I'm just not capable of understanding and I didn't know why I felt like I'm not really friends with anyone, even though they're friends with me. :dry:

    Now I know that I was viewing myself as not worthy of anyone's friendship, because I was lying to them about a part of myself and thus I was feeling that our friendship was based on a lie.
     
  17. subrhythm

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    i know what you mean with thinking that maybe you just 'convinced' yourself that you're gay. i often doubt myself too, i think its all part of the process of 'coming out' to yourself....if that makes sense.
     
  18. Psychedelic Bookmarks

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    wow.. thanks for all your responses people! it has made me feel a lot better. i guess everyone feels "different" in some ways. but i guess it is something gay people feel even more often. i just get this feeling like there are already too many freakling-aspects to me, i wish i wasn't gay as well. :frowning2: and then there's that evil "i've just convinced myself" crap. but thanks for making me feel like i'm not the only one!
     
  19. Astaroth

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    I'll join the crowd in saying yes, I felt different for as long as I can remember. I felt like I didn't really fit in with the other boys because I didn't like most of the same things they did, and a lot of my early role models of my own choosing were older girls. In fact, my best friend when I was 8 was a high school senior girl (hehe). I doubt most of my classmates could say the same.

    I also felt (and still feel) that sometimes I just understand things differently from most people. It's hard to explain exactly what I mean. But it works in different ways depending on the situation. For instance, if I was reading a book in high school, a passage would come across to me differently than it did to the teacher or other students. Not the words themselves... but the meaning of the passage. Or occasionally I'll link together very different things in such a way that they seem to make sense together, and others would never think to combine them that way and spot the commonality at the time, and they seem so obvious to me. This is especially true in mythology, history, and entymology. Sometimes I'll point something out and people will say "Wow. I never thought of it like that." And I just stare at them as if they've lost their damn minds. It was obvious to me. Maybe it has something to do with the wiring of the brain? Who knows. As a lot of you previously have said, I was top of the class as well with a decent IQ of 150.

    I think that this feeling of difference is probably the exact thing that people sense in school when they start attacking people for being gay. They probably sense the discomfort that GLBT people have and lock on to it.
     
  20. Brett

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    I've definently always felt different. When I was little I played w/ barbies and liked ponnies. Plus I was smart and got bored at school. And I used to hang out w/ girls because the guys would make fun of me and call me names. And even now I just can't seem to relate w/ most ppl. It's kinda wierd.