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i feel bad about it..

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Valyrian, May 30, 2012.

  1. Valyrian

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    I have this close friend..who's 17 (yeah, i'm 25) and well, he's friendly with everyone but especially with me..i mean he's hugging me, kissing me (on the cheek ofcourse) leaning towards my chest (and thats at the place i work) sometimes holds my hands and interlocks his finger with mine (i pull away, then again he tries grabbing my hand again). He ways always like that with me, and he told me more than few times that he sees me as his family and very close to him and stuff.

    Thing is, yes, i developed some feelings which grew stronger as the time went by to the point it was literally destroying my mood my apettite i had uncontrolled hatred and i even cried sometimes (well more than a few). But in the back of my mind, i always thought that he was taking advantage of my kindness (i work in a internet-cafe) letting him play for free sometimes or a big discount and stuff because i really liked him. He also had 2-3 girlfriends as far as i know of, and he's seeing one right now.

    I tried many times to cut off, but always unsuccessful. He always came to me, hugged me, a kiss on my neck and everything's great again. I just...couldn't push him away. I mean we had a few fights, i wouldnt speak to him for a few days, he would stop trying to reach me but then again after a couple of days he'd still be here and try to talk to me.

    This saturday, i was on the server at the place i work, and he also knew my facebook password. He also noticed a difference in my behaviour towards him (which is true) for the past 2 weeks or so, so he told me if he could check something on the facebook. I turned away and he logged my account, then tried to login back but he noticed i had changed my password. He asked me to type it and then i turned away again..and then i heard him swearing but i didnt really gave much attention to it. A few moments later, i was chatting with his friends (which a few of them are also mine) and he was just sitting there, looking grumpy and all but then again, i didn't put much thinking onto it. Later, it turned out that he was swearing because he actually saw that i removed him from my "close friends" list so he was a bit upset about it. When he left the cafe, he texted me and was like "things that i'd never expect to happen, they did", i didn't even reply to that.

    So he messaged me on facebook "dummy :slight_smile:". I knew he was trying to open a conversation so i took the bait and asked him why he sent me that. He said "maybe another time :slight_smile:". I was like no, you tell me right now. And he said "i never expected you to change your attitude towards me". I said "why would you say that" and he was like "i just picked on small things, then put them all together, is it true? did you really?" anyways, the convo went for about 2 hours and at the end he was like "fuck sake, i was asking for your help because i was always seeing you as my big brother, and you ALWAYS thought i was taking advantage of you, ALWAYS, i TRULY value you as my close friend..thing is i know what do YOU think about me". Then he said "so now what, you gonna stop talking to me completely? delete me from your facebook?" i was like "No, why i would wanna do that".. then he replied "so you'll just see me as an acquaintance, i get it" and he quit facebook.

    20 minutes later, he texted me on my phone "I still feel what i was feeling about you, that havent changed..meaning that i still see you as my friend (????)"

    Next day, he texted me if i wanted to go to the cafe with him, i was like "okay". I came and he arrived like an hour later, sat next to me, didn't really talk much..he said "wanna order something to eat?" i was just like "no, i'm waiting for X". Then he just put down the phone and left without a word. Few moments later, message on facebook "if you dont wanna talk to me anymore, just say so, not talking at all to me and ignoring me is not helping". He also said that he wanted everything to be just like before, before anything of this happens and i completely change my behaviour.

    same day, at around 4:20am..he was probably out and half-drunk (i guess) and he sent me another message on my phone. I was sleeping at the time but it woke me up and it said "Look, if you want things to be like this morning i think it'd be better if we didn't talk at all..i said what i said because i thought you changed..if you don't want us to be like before..i want you to tell me....you know how much i love you and you know that you're my friend..but i can't go on if you're not telling me what's wrong with you..all of this can be fixed"..

    I didn't reply to that either, i know, i'm a bad person. So since that day, and it's been like 5 days, he didn't show up at the cafe not even once..(although that doesnt imply anything)he talked to me on facebook to ask me to play some League of Legends but i was like "no" and that was it.

    So i guess that's it, i think i finally got him to, if not hate me, starting to dislike me or w/e..i think it's for the best, although it hurts like hell. It's ironic, though..a few weeks ago i was about to tell him i'm gay, despite the fact knowing that he doesn't like them at all and "hates" them...and now we're not even talking to each other thanks to me. Although if i did tell him i'm gay, i'd probably shatter the image he had about me, being his big bro and all.

    I really don't know, i don't know whether what i did was right or wrong..but i did it..and i already feel about it but i guess such is life..

    I'm really sorry for the wall of text and the it might be a confusing story because i'm kinda upset right now, but i think you get the point.

    sincerely,
    john
     
  2. davidroberts

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    he holds hands and kisses you. dude he must be gay too :slight_smile: how do you know he dsnt like gays. usually straight guys dnt do hand holdings and kissing :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: are u sure he is straight?? do you have feelings for him?
     
  3. BudderMC

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    Well, you do hear stories about "all people need is to know one gay person for their perception to change", and this is shaping up to be a good opportunity for you to be that "one person". The thing is, it takes a lot of balls to come out to people in general, let alone someone who you think won't accept you.

    But on the other hand, your friendship is deteriorating partly due to your keeping secrets from him... he seems to care about you since he's concerned as to why you're distancing yourself. Honestly, if I were in your shoes, as hard as it is I'd pluck up some courage and just tell him. If your friendship is borderline over anyway, you don't have much to lose (as bad as that sounds), and it may actually be beneficial. If it goes over well, then you might've helped your friendship. And if it goes over badly, then you know he isn't really a friend, and saves you having to deal with him being in close-quarters.

    Besides the fact that actually telling him is scary as all hell, I'm seeing this as a win-win scenario (as much as you can "win" in this scenario, I mean).
     
  4. Valyrian

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    @david: Well, i mean he sometimes grabs my hand and hold it..even if i pull away, he insists!...especially if im upset about something, lol. He also kisses me frequently, and although he didn't text me in like 2 weeks, due to what happened recently he keps texting on my phone asking if i wanna go to the cafe, where am i, if i wanna play with him (online games) and stuff. But i haven't seen him in 5 days, and he wont text to me either. And i know that he doesnt gay people because when we were watching a TV show and there was a homosexual scene between 2 guys kissing he was like "that's disgusting!" and "being gay is the worst thing that could ever happen to you" and stuff like that. Like i said, he's friendly with everyone, and he sometimes kisses others too (His friends) but he's DIFFERENT with me, i can tell for SURE. I can't know for sure he's straight or not but he has a GF, and had a few others in the past...i really dont know. And yes, i have feelings for him that won't go away regardless what i do. And although it's legal in my country, it just feels....wrong and it probably IS wrong. But dinstancing my self without him knowing anything about is also wrong, i think.

    @BudderMC: I know what you mean, i told 5 of my friends and they ALL changed their perception, even the ones that were "against" it, are even more caring now! But with this one, let's call him Parker (the one i'm talking about) i don't know but im literally TERRIFIED of telling him, in the fear of rejection although you're right, if he wont accept me then he wasnt my friend in the first place. But he's so affectionate and stuff, i don't wanna lose that but also not knowing if he'll accept me or not or whether he's str8/bi/bicurious/gay/whatever label you want is even MORE painful. I've been debating with myself whether i should tell him or not for OVER a year and i just won't do anything, lol.

    Anyways, i GREATLY appreciate your replies..and any further input would be more than welcome...thank you VERY much!
     
  5. Lad123

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    I think you should tell him. You already took the steps to avoid him so its not like you will ever see him again? If he rejects you then what have you lost? Absolutely nothing and plenty to gain :slight_smile:

    About the anti-gay comments with the two guys kissing on tv, well he may have internal homophobia and can relate thus the reason why he said "being gay is the worst thing that could ever happen to you". His behaviour is at least bi-curious, who the heck kisses their guy friends on the neck and holds hands? Also, he was clearly upset that you removed him from your close friends list, another indication that he may like you more than a friend.
     
  6. Nathan

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    I think he's definitely either bi or gay. I think part of the reason for his insistence on "hating" homosexuality my be because of your response. I think he might have actually been flirting with you, but when you started asking him about it, he thought you were creeped out by it and, not wanting you to ignore him, insisted that he was straight and that he had no feelings for you. I think telling him would be the best idea here, since it'll definitely make him more comfortable, and, if he is gay or bi, he'll probably be more likely to tell you the truth.
     
  7. Valyrian

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    @Lad123: If i tell him and he rejectes me, well, i'll lose his affections and his friendship (which is a REAL friendship, according to him). He holds hands only with me, not the others, and he just kisses others on the cheek, thats all, but not too often, that happens only with me, i mean frequently. And yeah i can tell what he was upset about removing him from the close friends list, and maybe he just cant accept the fact of the two of us being just people that know each other instead of friends/close friends.

    @Nathan: I didn't ask him anything about it.. he just told me that it's disgusting and gay is the worst thing that could happen to anyone and i definitely didn't creep out and ofcourse he didn't insist he was straight, maybe you got it all wrong hehe :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: . And like i said, i'm terrified of telling him in the fear of rejection..i don't think i'll be able to handle it from him..and although he says (or said) that he loves me (as a friend) and stuff like that...i really don't know..he also might freak out and tell others..and that would be devastating.

    Plus, even if i do tell him, and he's alright with it, maybe he's just "100%" straight, or in the bi-curious or in the closet and might never come out to me, even if that is the case.

    And one more thing...we havent seen each other or spoken for a week now..and a friend of his (which is mine aswell) told me that when they had football practice yesterday and they were in the showers..he said "the Peter who was begging John(me) is no more"..meaning that he obviously got tired of it and he simply doesnt care anymore.

    again, thanks a lot for your replies people!
     
  8. rainbowfox

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    well as you said, by the thing he said in the showers to the other friend, making distance between him and yourself had only one consequence, making him cold with you. if you come out to him 2 things can happened:
    1) he accepts you: this scenario can end in to ways A) he is gay/bi and interested in having relationship with you (and your story will end as a fairy tale :slight_smile: ) B) he is not gay/bi but he will find out why you distanced and your relationship will get fixed (another happy ending:slight_smile: )
    2) he is really homophobic and not able to put it away: right now you almost lost he's friendship and if you don't do any thing you will lose it completely. and an other thing to mention, if he can't accept who you are what sort of friend is he?

    ---------- Post added 1st Jun 2012 at 07:03 PM ----------

    and an other thing to add, I know what dose losing a friend, especially a friend that you are affectionate about, means (it had happened for me). I hope the best for you (*hug*)
     
  9. Valyrian

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    Well, what you said really gave me hopes that it could turn out well, except for the homophobic part :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    And yeah, if he can't accept me for who i am, what kind of friend is he? maybe all of this was a lie to begin with. But like he said in our convo that friday night when we talked about what's happening..he said that he truly sees me as a close friend (well maybe more? idk) so it might be true... i just can't make a decision and i'm afraid that soon enough i will really have to, otherwise i will completely lose him since it's the first time he's been as cold as this, he always came back and he always was the one to make the first step to talk to me.

    (sidenote: He's also only 17 and that's one of the biggest reasons i'm holding back and not telling him.)

    And i might have to do it quick because in 2 weeks, when the exams are over he's going to leave for the summer and come back at 15th of August so..that'd suck lol


    thanks mate! (*hug*)
     
    #9 Valyrian, Jun 1, 2012
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2012
  10. Valyrian

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    An update....

    This saturday, i went out with my friends, and ofcourse i ran onto him since we go out to the same bar...i noticed him but pretended i didnt see him, he looked at me but just didnt say anything. After 2 minutes, he came over to say hi to my friends and his cousin so he also greeted me aswell but i didn't say anything back, didn't even shake his hand or anything at all. Then he also said something about a guy that is pretty close to me lately..like "i heard that X and John became buddies now eh?" and stuff like that..i think that he's a bit jealous or upset about it? i dont really know...

    And finally, he removed me from his close friends aswell, i think he did that after he saw me completely ignoring him saturday night and i guess because...we haven't spoke for the past few week, and i was the one who initiated the convo today on facebook..and he was SO aggressive...it was the first time i was getting such hostile/ironic answer from him..he also said that he doesnt care and i should believe what i want and other things. I think we're really done for, so i guess it's the last time we ever talked to each other.

    I deleted him from facebook and i'm pretty sure that he'll never contact me again, especially after i deleting him since we're already cold.

    thanks for trying to help anyway :slight_smile:
     
  11. rainbowfox

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    well first of all, my dear, ending a friendship is something that can really heart me, even if I have to end something I prefer a more friendly way. I don't want to repeat my self, but I think you should talk to him. he was and I think is (despite all bout of you did) your friend, you still have the chance to solve it :slight_smile: this would be good for bout of you :slight_smile:
     
  12. BudderMC

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    I'm sorry to hear that, but sometimes it's just best to have a conclusion, rather than be stuck in that "I'm not sure where we stand" stage. So I guess I'm happy for you?
     
  13. Ianthe

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    His feelings are hurt. If you tell him that you are distancing yourself from him because you are gay and you find it confusing and possibly dangerous to have a straight guy trying to hold hands with you and kiss on your neck and stuff, he will probably not take it personally anymore. Also, you know how he feels about gay people, and you don't want to make him uncomfortable. Even if you stay distant from each other, at least it wouldn't be as hostile.

    This is obviously hurting both of you--why not see if you can make it less painful?

    Dear Guy,
    I'm sorry I've hurt your feelings. I feel like I need to distance myself from you, because I am gay and it confuses me to have you kiss me and hold my hand and stuff. It's especially hard for me, because I know how you feel about gay people. It really isn't that I don't like you anymore, or anything like that. I just think it's better if we are more distant from each other than we have been. Even though you may not want to be my friend anymore anyway once you understand this, I hope that you at least won't take it personally and feel so hurt anymore.
    --from Valyrian
     
  14. rainbowfox

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    this is a good idea :slight_smile:
     
  15. Valyrian

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    Yeah..i'm pretty sure he still values me as a friend..and he DOES know that i care..i just think he's hurt and tired from all of it and i also think that he won't make the first move. Even when i deleted him from facebook, he obviously doesnt care because he didn't even ask me about it.

    And i'm too selfish and proud to do anything about it aswell..i mean talk to him and say i'm sorry and stuff...i just can't..i mean i could but i dont know..this is the first time i've seen him act like that and maybe he REALLY doesnt want to be friends anymore.

    And if i tell him i'm gay, at this point, he might react even more aggressively and cut me off completely and even worse tell others about it.

    I never believed it would come to this point, i mean, we had our fights but nothing close to this, he ALWAYS came back to me, no matter what i/he did, hugged me kissed me and everything was great. He was the one looking for me, texting me to see where am i, keeping company to me at the cafe i work, watch tv series/movies...and soooo many other things and now look at us.

    meh..this is just...so...painful.

    then again, i also might find the courage someday to tell him the truth and tell him im sorry for everything.

    anyways, you've been very supportive guys and i'm grateful for that!
     
    #15 Valyrian, Jun 5, 2012
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2012
  16. rainbowfox

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    first of all a big big hug (*hug*) I absolutely understand what you say about not being able to say sorry, I was (hope not be any more) like that. and this really hurts. maybe even not coming out, just talking with him could help. :slight_smile: but any decision you make I will support you :slight_smile: (*hug*) cause I absolutely understand all of your feelings :slight_smile:
     
  17. Valyrian

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    Thanks a lot fox! I REALLY appreciate your support...i really do..and it's nice having someone that actually knows that i'm going through since you said that you've been through the same aswell...

    (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)
     
  18. rainbowfox

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    your welcome Valyrian :slight_smile: (*hug*)
     
  19. Ianthe

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    It's difficult and takes courage to apologize. I just think that this friend means so much to you that it's worth it. I think it's very sad when our shame and fear make us do things that destroy our relationships with people.

    By not telling him, you are basically assuming that he would not accept you, and not giving him a chance. I hope you can overcome your shame enough to at least try to salvage your friendship. But if you can't, I understand that too. (*hug*)
     
  20. Valyrian

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    It's difficult as HELL. I've never said sorry to anyone in my entire life. I just can't lol. And trust me, i care about him SO MUCH because so far he was always the one to reach out to me when we had our fights...like, always. I was always the distant one so he had to make the first move ALWAYS because he genuinely cared about me, and now i guess he just reached his limit, thats why he says he doesnt care, although i think that he still does.

    And i'm assuming things because im terrified in the idea of rejection from him but i guess i'll have to come out to him eventually, especially if someday, we start talking again to each other, and that's probably after summer since he's going away for the entire summer soon.

    time will tell!