Would a guy/girl go out with a closeted guy/girl?

There are not necessarily two mutually exclusive states, "in the closet" and "out." I would date someone who was only partly out, but I would have a hard time if I literally wasn't supposed to tell anyone.

And, I think I would want the person to plan on coming out someday, at least to most people.

It's very hard to keep secrets all the time. It's hard to have to pretend like your relationship is less than it is.

I guess I'm not really going to say "absolutely not." But rather, "it would be hard."

 

i agree with Ianthe on this one.
maybe it is oregonian thing, but i not care if a person is closeted, as long as they don't hurt me, you know, dump me or make fun of me when trying to overcompensate with being around others.

 

For a casual thing it would probably be fine, but if it gets serious, a guy who is out will probably at least want to be able to introduce you to his family and friends, and might eventually start to feel bad if you keep hiding him from yours.

This is really a much bigger problem if you are talking about a serious relationship, where you are in love and together long term. If you are just talking about a casual "exploring" thing, it's probably fine. If you are in love, you are past the exploring stage, and your boyfriend is going to feel more like you should represent him to people as your boyfriend.

If your exploring leads to a serious relationship, would you still want to stay in the closet?

 

Well I never have gone out with someone completely closeted, but I definitely would if I liked them enough. It wouldn't matter to me, because I know how hard it is in the beginning to come out. I don't see it as much of a problem, unless you make it into one. If it ended up getting more serious, I would like them to at least tell a few people though. I'm not completely out, but I could easily come out to everyone if given a good opportunity and enough courage, but that's after quite a while of being scared.

 

I would. The only problem is: would a closeted guy go out with me? I just can't imagine he'd go out with me in the highly improbable case I'd ask him out...

 

It makes a difference how much time you spend with people, too. If you aren't out to people that you spend a lot of time with, that's a lot more difficult. I mean, if you aren't out to your family but you only really see them twice a year, that might not be a problem. But if you have dinner with them three times a week and they tend to turn up at your place unexpectedly, that would be very problematic. And if you live with them, that would be the hardest situation.

The more involved someone is in your life, the more problems will be caused by your not being out to them.

If you mean in regards to "how are you going to meet a guy like that," if you mean, "how am I going to start dating a gay guy without letting anyone know I'm gay," you can't. In order to date a guy, he, at the very least, has to know you like guys.

You mentioned friends that you could possibly "be around" with your hypothetical future boyfriend. Can I presume these are good friends of yours? Would it be possible to talk to one of them about what you are going through?

The very first time I came out to someone, I was still kind of vague about it. I didn't use the word "questioning" myself, but the exact nature of my sexuality was still in the realm of uncertainty in my mind. (Really, I was in denial still.)

But my good male friend from high school had called me up, and the night before I was supposed to see him, I had this really weird dream, where I was running really late and he was waiting for me at a gay pride event of some kind. And when I woke up, I felt sure that this dream was my unconscious telling me to come out to him.

I knew that I would never do it in person, so I wrote him a private facebook message, which he unfortunately didn't get until after we had hung out. (During dinner, we had an awkward conversation about why I'm not sure I'm going to have kids, and I totally failed to come out to him during it.)

But later, he got my message, in which I told him my entire dream I'd had in detail, and told him I was queer--a word I chose specifically for vagueness, because I wasn't clear on things. And he wrote me back a very nice accepting note.

And when I read his note, I thought, "Wow, what have I been thinking of? I'm a lesbian. Of course I am!" My life suddenly made sense, and I stopped feeling confused--and I had been in a serious state of confusion for at least a year. But after that, I didn't have any doubts any more, ever again.

So, I think it's possible that telling even just one person will make a huge difference for you. I'm not saying it will clear up all your questions like it did for me, but I think it will at least help.

Once you have made some progress in accepting yourself, you will not be so uncomfortable putting yourself into situations in which it would be possible for you to meet other gay men.

 

This is basically my thoughts. I'm not completely out yet (but slowly working on it haha), and think I could date a guy who isn't 100% out either. Completely closeted wouldn't be a problem at first but I'd like to be able to talk about it later on.

 

Ugh, this is my dilemma right now too. I'm trying to make friends, and am open to the idea of dating, but I don't want to come out until I am 100% sure of my orientation. However, I can't be certain of my orientation until I get some exposure... but the catch is being closeted appears to be a turn-off for many people. Oy!

On the other hand, I feel it would be unfair to your future mate to come out AFTER you start dating, because that will put a lot of awkward pressure on them, if not outright blame for your new "lifestyle".

I do agree with Ianthe and others though. I'd be ok dating someone who is closeted, as long as they planned on coming out at some point. I can only hope to meet people who will feel the same way about us.

 

Celebrities do it all the time, don't they? They just hide it until they come out.

I guess it's fine. As long as you're sure they actually like you and aren't trying to screw with your head there's no problem.

 

I did it once, only for a few weeks so I never really think of it as a relationship... We were both mostly in the closet, out to 1 or 2 people each. It was ok... I'd give it a shot.

 

I agree with Ianthe. I'd date someone who was closeted but eventually wants to come out (to most people). One thing I'd want is to be able to tell my gay friends (and possibly my mom) about our relationship. I'd have a very hard time hiding it from them. I would be okay in the meantime if my gf wanted to keep it a secret from her family and friends. I'm partly closeted too so it might make things easier if we are both a little uncomfortable with telling others. It depends on the situation.

 

What made you think you were burdening your gay friend? Did he act like it was a burden?

Based on what you said you told him, he already knows that you are kind of mixed up. Not because you said you are bisexual, but because you keep changing your mind. And because of the "maybe."

He's your friend. Burden him. Friends are for burdening. Send a text message like: "Help! I can't figure out my sexuality and it's EATING MY BRAIN!!!" Ask him to hang out soon and tell you about how he accepted his sexuality, and also to talk about hot guys until it feels normal.

I really doubt he'll mind. He probably likes talking about hot guys.