I've found that strangers always give the best advice. So here goes! (yes I know this story is rather long) Until recently I was in serious denial of my homosexuality. The best way I can describe myself is that I have always been different, a little backwards, yet unique and outgoing. I am not like most gay people that I meet. I am not feminine at all, I love watching and playing sports, and am somewhat macho. I had the same boyfriend throughout middle school and high school, and he was a closeted jock. We were "best friends" meaning that in school and on in the locker rooms and weight rooms we were bros and on the weekends we would hook up. This went on for about 7 years until I started to realize it was no longer innocent curiosity and that we were full on gay. So I freaked out, started repressing my feelings. I started ignoring his pleas for sex, and an ugly breakup ensued. I went off to college fully prepared to be "straight" and I kept it up for about two years. Then I met somebody... I started hanging out with a group of boys who were freshmen when I was a junior. We would play basketball, video games, smoke weed, just hang you know? They kind of all looked up to me, and I really liked that obviously. There was one of these boys that caught my eye, and he really liked giving me attention. He was the one in this group of friends who everyone always joked about being gay, but it was funny to all of them because he actually had a really pretty girlfriend. He came from a Catholic family from a very close mind, homophobic and bigoted neighborhood. But I saw him a little differently than his friends. He was always challenging me, whether it was in video games, sports, whatever. We would send each other txt messages literally all day sometimes. Eventually it got really flirtatious. So I asked him one day if he was gay. He freaked out. Nothing crazy, he just raised his voice a little and started talking about his girlfriend and changed the subject. Later that day, I sent him a txt message saying "I wont tell anyone your secret." I didnt get a response but he still kept coming around. After that though, his personality started to change. He became even more "macho" around the guys. One thing he couldnt stop doing was talking about how big his dick was. Not just to me, to everyone. One day we were just playing Xbox and he mentioned how big he was, and I told him that I didnt believe him. He asked to compare, and I responded "Now I KNOW that youre gay!" He tried to act like it was no big deal, got up and left, he said he had to go (I knew better than to fall for gay-baiting). Things cooled off, but he stillllll came around. This is when things start to get really weird. He would leave my house and whisper "I love you" to me as I would close the door. One time I opened the door again but he bolted down the street. Everytime I confronted him about this he would deny it, call me crazy or worse, call me a faggot. I pitied him mostly, but I still grew a major crush on him. For a few months we didnt see each other though. Then on his birthday I called him. He was happy to hear from me, and we started hanging out again, maybe once a week, then a few times a week, then everyday. I eventually came out to him, the first person I'd ever told, he was really indifferent to it. Around this time I met a foxy lesbian girl. Finally I had somebody I could talk to about all of this. I told her all about this guy and she said I needed to go for it. So I did. When he called me for our daily video game and weed session, I told him that I wanted him to come over, but I didnt want to get high and play video games. He said "Are you asking me what I think you are asking me?" I said "Yes." Without hesitation he said he would be down as soon as he could. When he came in, I went right upstairs to my bedroom, but he didnt follow. I went back downstairs and he was on the couch with a terrified look on his face. I asked him what was wrong and he just grabbed the xbox controller and started to play. It was the most awkward experience of my life. Anyways, I confronted him about this a few days later, and this is when it really really started to get weird. He tried to pretend like I never even told him that I was gay and really freaked out. Maybe a mistake on my part, but I told him that he was gay and needed to come out of the closet. He would just deny everything and call me a faggot. Then he told all of our friends that I was gay. None of the cared and they had always suspected that we had a thing. When I confronted him about outting me, he denied doing it. Somehow we still talk to each other though. He doesnt deny most of these things now, but he cant even admit to himself or me that he has these feelings. I cant do anything but love him though. I cant stand watching him do this to himself. Any thoughts or comments would be greatly appreciated, because I dont know any other gay people in my life that would have proper insights on this situation. I just want us to be together but if I'm wasting my time, let me know!
Hiya, thank you for your story You can't help someone come out of the closet if they are unwilling to accept they are gay. Think back to when you were in high school and you had that fling going on with your friend, you eventually repressed your feelings and broke off contact. So now relate this in to his shoes, he is terrified and repressing his feelings so it is best not to bring this up again. I know you want to help but you must let him get on with it by himself rather than try to out him. Of course, you can say 'I'm here if you ever want to talk' but its best to leave it as that. Just be there for him (*hug*)
The best thing I can think of right now is for you to give him the web address here, so that he'll have an anonymous place to talk about his questioning. Just be like, "Hey, so I know that you are like, not ready to talk about the gay thing, and I understand, because I remember what it was like to be totally freaking out about it. Here's this forum on the Internet that is really helpful for people questioning their sexuality or coming out. I want you to have somewhere to go for support and help, even though you aren't ready to talk to me." If you are waiting on him to achieve self-acceptance, it might be a while. You realize that, right?
(*hug*) I'm sorry that you're going through this. While his behavior is somewhat understandable, it sounds like he's being a jerk to you. You need to distance yourself from him. Perhaps someday after he has accepted himself you will be able to have a relationship with him, but as it stands in all probability you will end up getting hurt. You are also too close to the situation to be able to help him. Obviously tell him what is happening on your end (disappearing without a word will make things worse for him, at least), but otherwise get away from him as soon as possible. In other words, no, he isn't worth it. Not now, nor at any time in the near future.
your writing style is very funny. ok, here are my thoughts, you asked him if he was gay and even low-key harrassed him about being gay when you never officially came out to him before doing all of that. i think you made him feel really uncomfortable. he likes or LIKED you but now things are weird. you pushed him into a gay corner and he had no alternative other than to deny and out you in a way to take the heat off of him. he probably still likes you, but you present too much of an anxiety for him. if you want to stay friends with you (not sure i would after he massed outted me) then i think you need to tell him that things went down kinda crazy and you have forgiven him for outting you and you hope he can forgive you for harrassing him about being gay. he is the type of closeted gay that just needs things to happen on his own timeframe. the more you force and push, you only push him back into the closet.
You don't say how old the two of you are, but I'm guessing teens or early 20s. And the shame associated with being gay and closeted is HUGE when you're that age, because belonging is soooo important in the teen and early adult years; we are hardwired to want to "belong", and we are socialized for it in addition. So being gay, we know we don't "fit in" and so we do what seems like the next best thing: we "fit in." But fitting in is really bad, because we're being inauthentic, which simply makes the shame we have about being gay (or whatever it is we're hiding) even greater. So your friend is almost certainly gay... but petrified. And probably not fully accepting that he is gay; he clearly understands and wants connection with other guys, but at the same time, he is probably afraid to let go of whatever "fitting in" he has now, for fear he'll be an outcast. So one thought I have is... point him here. Tell him it's a community open to people who are straight and questioning, as well as LGBT, to make it less threatening. Another thought is... to tell him that you care about him and will accept him no matter who he is or who he's attracted to, and whether he's straight or gay is fine with you. But then... you'd need to be able to put your own libido aside for a bit, and not do anything to further upset/confuse/confront him. It seems counterintuitive, but right now, he feels very alone, very vulnerable, and he doesn't know for sure what he wants. So being his friend, above all else, NOT trying to get him to do anything sexually, and just letting him have time and space is going to be the best thing you can do for him.
I think he's totally worth it! In fact, I think it would be really hot (in a gay story kind of way) if he eventually loosened up and became your bf. But yeah, to echo what everyone else said, don't force or push anything on him. Let him come around on his own. And if everything works out (as i hope it should), be sure to kiss him thoroughly on the cheek many times and whisper "everything will be ok, don't be afraid" in his ear the first time you two are together in intimacy.
Actually, one of the best things you can do for him is probably to just be around as an out gay guy among your friends, with them all accepting you. Definitely, I agree with Chip that you would do best to retreat from sexual advances for now, and make sure he knows you are there for him as a friend, if he just wants to talk about what's bothering him. If you haven't, you might tell him the story of your first boyfriend when you were a kid, and how you freaked out on him. That might help--let him know that you have felt exactly what he's feeling. I think that story is so, so sad, by the way. Seven years is a long relationship for that age--it must have been horrible for both of you.
Thank you all for posting! Pretty much all of the advice that was given is what I planned on doing in my mind already, but is is wonderful to have some reassurance on this matter. Just to add some details, my first bf and I actually still talk. I came out to him a few months ago (only to humor his closetedness) and obviously he was very supportive of me, but we never talked about the past and I dont think I'll ever bring it up. I told him about his guy, and they have even met. The new one didnt know who he really was, and the old one said he thought this guy was incredibly insecure just on first meeting him, and then I told him he was the guy I told him about, and he was not surprised at all and told me I was a sucker for a pretty face. Another factor I should have mentioned, he still lives at home (hes 20, im 22). Hes going away to a real university in a couple months, so maybe he will become a little more self aware and not be so afraid of these feelings when that happens.
