I don't even know where to start. I haven't posted on this forum in... forever. At least, I don't know, ten months, eleven even, since my last post. Anyway, on to why I'm posting. I'm not sure about anything anymore. I used to know who I was, but for the past few months I haven't even known that. I'm 17, 18 next month, and I'm unsure about almost every aspect of my identity. I feel like I want to be... hell I don't know. :bang: Even this post, I'm not sure about anything. Part of me wants to be female, part of me is apathetic to everything. A part of me IS gay, and part of me says that if I were female, I'd be Bi... I don't know why, it just does. Part of me just hates everything I am, and part of me doesn't care... I don't even know why I'm posting this here... maybe it'll help to get it out where others can read it, maybe not. I wrote a lot of my thoughts down last night, and it helped, but not enough... So I'm going to be posting what I wrote. Please bear in mind it was at 3 AM, I was tired and ranting. So this may sound very... crazy. I'm not sure why I just shared that, I just needed to get it off my chest. I guess I'm wondering if anyone can help me... at all... I just don't know anymore... I just don't know...
If I were you, I would start by taking a step back, and taking a deep breath. You don't have to know anything at this exact moment. It is the hardest thing, just to know ourselves. It takes time. Nothing is black and white anymore, so we just have to do our best. Some things that I've heard that helped me were to make lists, organize your thoughts in a simple way. Make a list of everything you would want with a girl, then with a guy. Make a list of reasons you would want to change, reasons you would want to stay the way you are. Slow down and get in touch with the simple things you know about yourself. Do you enjoy watching movies? Taking walks? Then work to deeper things like how would you truly feel, really imagine yourself there, if you were completely with a man? Walking by the river, having pinics, children, going to dinner parties, making love in the shower. Now, the same with a woman. Sorry, I'm kind of just rambling but that sort of stuff is what really helped me.
i can understand what you are going thru. esp where u say to crave isolation and connection. i too feel the same. sometime i think i ll be happier wen ppl are around and wen they really are i crave for only me time .anyway there are some points in our life where we feel evrything around us and about us is so wrong that there is no point in anything. they are jus a phase they will pass. regarding your questions abt urself ur sexuality etc. u r still 17 . its not at all late . think it thru and then decide. nobdy else except you have the answers of questions wich are in ur mind right now. take your time. der is no hurry. and you are not lonely on EC we all are der fo you. we all need each other start the journey of discovering your self with a happy and stable mind. dnt care if the future looks uncertain. tc
The most frustrating part about it is that I thought I knew myself... four months ago I was confident in who I was... I don't know what happened, and I feel... lost. Completely and utterly lost. It doesn't help that it's my nature ask existential questions, wonder about the meaning of life, and all that wonderful stuff.
I have gone through this as well. I had accepted myself as being a cis-gender bisexual person. I then went through another bout of questioning and realized that I am pangender and gay. It really sucks when you think that you have figured out who you are, but then your eyes are opened yet again to the possibility that you are something different than what you thought you were. Stay strong. -Ash
