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Feeling left out.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Epipleptic, Jun 3, 2012.

  1. Epipleptic

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    I'm in my early/mid twenties and recently accepted myself and decided the best thing to do was meet other LGBT people and maybe makes some friends, if possible. I started attending different LGBT group meetings and have hung out with people at a community center and at other events focused on getting together with LGBT people. I have a great time at these events. As someone who, even six months ago, would have never been this socially outgoing have never been more at ease and happy in a social setting, probably because I am finally comfortable with who I am.

    My problem is that I feel "behind." People will occasionally talk about going to gay bars and clubs in different neighborhoods and cities, boyfriends and ex-boyfriends, pride parades, or just different things they do with their friends and, having never done or experienced those things I feel left out and weird and reminded of the things I currently don't have.

    Now, I know such things don't happen overnight and I feel like I am taking the right steps to get to the place I want to be. I also know that once I get to that place it really won't matter how long it took to get there.

    It still, however, bothers me. I start to feel like I either have to pretend to be someone that I'm not (we all know how that works out...) because by not saying I don't it may be assumed that I do. It's a closet within a closet. On the other hand, I could casually mention never having gone to gay bar or pride (the relationship stuff doesn't bother me as much and would be really weird to mention) but then I feel like a charity case or someone outing himself as someone who just doesn't fit in.
     
  2. Pret Allez

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    A lot of the time what happens is that we come out in our twenties, and yes we did miss out on a lot because we were not out at the time. But unless you want to get yourself depressed, you have to think, "hey, I am here now, and I still have a lot of youth, let's do this thing." We do miss out on some development, some dating experience, but those are things you can easily make up.
     
  3. curiouskid

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    Personally, I don't think people would think of you as a charity case. And you definitely are not "someone who just doesn't fit in" considering you've found the LGBT group and have become much more comfortable with yourself. Just think of it like this: every single person in that group has felt the way you have at one point in their life. That's why they're in the group, isn't it: to support one another with how they feel and who they are.

    So maybe next time you go, you casually throw out there that you've never done something like that. Maybe someone invites you to go along with them. I certainly don't think that would be a charity case. They are simply trying to help you be more comfortable with yourself, and would be with you to support you.

    Personally, I say you should go for it :slight_smile: Good luck
     
  4. Epipleptic

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    Thanks, you two. One person talked about organizing a pride event, and I think they usually try to have one. I really hope the scheduling works out because I may already be booked. You're right, curiouskid, if the shoe were on the other foot I'd be really happy to do something like that. Who doesn't like introducing people to new things?

    Yeah, Pret Allez, that's true, and it's true for a lot of people gay or not. I think this has been bothering me in particular is because one of the events that triggered my accepting myself was hearing a gay relative talk about his going out there and being who he is because he wants to live while he can.
     
  5. cscipio

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    I'd just stop to think these others had to come out at some point as well. I'd be certain that many, if not all, were in the same boat. Just be honest and be yourself. I don't think you'd look like a charity case.
     
  6. Epipleptic

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    That's what I have to do, cscipio. Looking back I my first meeting I was very guarded. I'd leave out details in my answers to people's questions and not ask follow ups on things people mentioned that interested me feeling that I didn't want to pry. I think I missed connecting with some nice people because of that. I think confidence will have to be key. Changing my perspective on it will change how I communicate those facts to others.
     
  7. RealityCheck

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    I know how you are feeling. I'm actually 31 and just started this journey. I have only met a few people and decided that I would just be completely open about everything from the beginning. Everyone I have met so far has been extremely supportive about things. They call to check on me from time to time and invite me out (even though I more of a homebody). And when I say open, I mean I was upfront that I had never even been in a relationship with a guy before. After the initial shock on their face, they just well hell it's about time you get out here then, and laughed with me. Don't stress over any of it. Just have a good time and enjoy as many friends as you can make. Jump in with both feet so to speak.
     
  8. Ianthe

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    Just tell them that you are just coming out, and you haven't had that experience yet. They will not mind. They will probably haul you to the gay bar right away.

    "OMG, you've never been to the gay bar???? We're going right now."

    People like introducing people to things. It makes them feel important. Also, if they understand that you are new on the scene, they are likely to be more forward in making friends with you.

    So, when they are talking about it, you can just say, "What's that like? I'm still just coming out, so I've never been."
     
  9. Filip

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    Well, good advice all around, but I'll add my 2 cents just the same.

    I do have much the same experience.
    Pretty much every time I get talking to other gay people (not that it happens that often: usually only when a friend of mine decides to introduce me to some gay acquaintance who happens to be around). They try to break the ice by sharing what they think to be relatable anecdotes or asking some easy questions... only to find out that I don't relate at all, or have real trouble answering their friendly inquiries as to what kind of gay stuff I get up to.
    To be honest, I think that that's what makes it the most awkward: not that I didn't do all of those things yet, but that they go in believing they have a surefire way of talking to a fellow GLBT person, only to discover it doesn't work.

    Over time, I did learn to do two things, though:

    - Not act apologetic at all anymore. Sure, never went to a gay bar by myself, never went to pride, never even held hands with a guy... but I am planning on doing that, just give me some time! Sometimes I think I became too easygoing about it (to the point that they seem to think: "Oh, you got the situation under control. No need to drag you to gay events, then!". While I would actually like them to do that xD)

    - Steer the conversation into non-gay directions. Obviously, being gay can be one source of relatability, but most of the time, I do like to discuss my other interests (politics, history, computer gaming...) Once I feel like I relate on other points, it's that much easier to discuss the differences on the gay front.


    I think you're going in the right direction, though! Kep meeting people and relating will come easier and easier!
     
  10. BudderMC

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    Pretty much took the words out of my mouth. Like, actually said exactly what I was going to say.

    I just want to reiterate that really, most people won't care in a bad way, and if they care it's going to be in a good way... as in a "let's go get you some dates" kind of way. And like Ianthe said, people love feeling important. Being able to share their "wisdom" is a good way of doing that. And hey, you'll probably learn something too :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  11. Epipleptic

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    Thank you all for your great advice. It's easy for me to forget that lots of people have experienced this to some degree or another, so I can set aside the irrational feeling that I'm the only with this issue. Moreover, It's really good to know that people are likely to be very understanding.
     
  12. nachocheez

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    This post was extremely helpful and supportive to me. you have no idea
     
  13. TeeJay

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    Doing "Gay" things, isn't all it's cracked up to be. And I think that a lot of people loose themselves in doing them. I used to think a lot like you, I use to wish that I had more friends that were gay and included me in things. But be careful of what you wish for. Next time your around these people listen to what they say... Do they talk about other people a lot? Do they ever have anything nice to say about other people? Do they drink a lot or use drugs (including pot)? Basically ask yourself how much DRAMA do these people have and do you want to be like that to?

    A lot of Gay people who go to the bars and pride, they make being gay all of who they are and they loose touch with the other qualities they have. If this is what you want then fine, but if it's not... be careful, it's easy to get caught up in.

    In time you will see gay people advertise that they don't have any drama in there lives, I believe this is what there talking about. They got tired of it, and got rid of it.
     
  14. Epipleptic

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    That's what I love about forums, nachocheez!

    I appreciate your advice, TeeJay, for me going to these events, which are non-bar scene, is a low stakes coming out (no stress, no feeling odd, no having to say anything). And the conversations that bother me are brief, incidental exchanges but they still sting. For me going to a gay bar, prides and just interacting with gay people openly is a is statement that I will no longer let my happiness or social life be a prisoner of shame and fear.
     
  15. TeeJay

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    ^_^ I never thought of it that way. But I do want you to be happy. And you have taught me something about Pride today... Thank you.

    Even us old dogs can still learn something... ^_^
     
  16. NickD

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    If it's any consolation, you are much farther along than I am. I'm in my early twenties and only came out about 2 months ago. I haven't even gotten to the point of working up the courage to go to an LGBT event or group yet, and frankly it's starting to get to me. From my end, you are doing extremely well. I'm a bit discouraged that I'm not "farther along" at this point, but I realize everyone's path is different and takes varying amounts of time. I really admire you, and having your example makes my journey that much more obtainable.
     
  17. TeeJay

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    NickD, don't feel bad... I've been out for 18 yrs, and I've never been to a LGBT Group. I don't even think they have them where I live. No Nick, be proud of yourself and all that you have done. Don't compare yourself to other people or you'll always short change yourself. You've done a lot just coming out, adjust to that (don't over do it), and let everything else take it's course. Your doing great!!!
     
  18. Ianthe

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    You don't think they have LGBT groups in SEATTLE??? Are you kidding, or do you mean somewhere else?
     
  19. Deaf Not Blind

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    if a person judged you as not one of them for just now coming out and not yet done anything gay related they are stupid dork wads. you are fine, be yourself, and if you never set foot in a gay bar, whatever!
     
  20. dano22

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    I can relate to this in a way because all the gay guys I knew most of them were more experienced than me and out and proud to everyone. It seems like it so easy for them for be who they are and to find relationships which I thought was impossible in my hometown and surrounding area.