She still won't let me come out and I'm petrified to tell her that I told the guy I like that I liked him over a week ago because she'd get pissed at me but what happened today is weirding me out. I joined the school's GSA, she found the group and requested to join. Then, my mom requested to join. After debate, we approved her and I asked her about it. "I didn't request that. If you joined that, you're an idiot. You're a moron if you come out before high school." She's fucking tearing me apart, honestly. I can't reason with her at all.
Don't reason with her. Just do it. Really. Coming out in high school is no different from coming out at a workplace, at university, at a camp or to a circle of friends/acquaintances ... it's all the same. They're all environments with people of all walks of life who believe different things, some of them wacky. Some people will react well to your sexuality, others will not. but if you're ready to tell them you should go ahead and do it. I came out to friends in grade nine, and do you know what happened? The worst case scenario, that's what. They all ditched me, every single one of them. None of them spoke to me, looked at me or anything for two years, and they spread rumours about me until I went to the office and put a stop to it. You know what else? I couldn't be happier for it. It gave me a really good lesson on what friendship is, what it means to be true to oneself, how to take a stand against intimidation and that life isn't always pretty. This is the sort of lesson that your mother hopes you'll never have to learn, and I think she's incredibly misguided in that decision. Will that happen to you? Probably not. You'll probably notice some people acting uncomfortably for a while, and depending on how many you tell a few people might talk about you, but that's high school. It happens to everyone for a variety of reasons. Even if the worst does happen, you will grow so much from it. You'd be terribly upset, naturally, and it would quite frankly suck, but as I say, afterward you'd be grateful for how your character develops from it. Join the GSA. If you're ready, come out to your friends. I know that you want to avoid tension with your mother, but at the moment it seems as though tension has already built, and that you're feeling constrained and frustrated from being held back. The GSA will provide a support network, an incredible compassionate one, for afterward if your mother is further pissed off. You can reason with her all you want after that safety net is established and you've taken matters into your own hands, but reasoning with her now won't stave off her fear. You'll be fine, and I wish you the best of luck.
Hi, First, your mom has no control over whether or not you come out. Ordinarily, I would advocate following a parent's directives, but in this case, I am near certain that her concerns are less about you and more about her and her own concerns/shame issues associated with her son being gay. The only possible exception is if you happen to live in a place where being gay would be really badly received. Almost anywhere in the US, that isn't the case any more. Second "if you joined that, you're an idiot" is one of the most offensive and shaming things I've heard a parent say recently. Clearly, if she asked to join the group, then she must be an idiot, too, right? What she fails to understand is that by telling you that you mustn't come out, and calling you an idiot, she is very directly and seriously contributing to your shame about being gay (which, by the way, everyone has... she's just making it a lot worse.) And the best thing you can do to counteract the effects of her shaming is to do exactly what you're doing... talk about it here at EC, talk about it with your friends, and simply don't go along with what she's telling you to do. In many cases, parents have great advice, born of wisdom and their own experiences. But sometimes the advice is motivated by their own shame, or fear, or controlling/micromanaging of their kids lives. And this is one of those times. Don't bother reasoning, or discussing. It's clear she's not interested. Just start taking actions. Coming out is one of those things where you can't "unring the bell" so it's not like she can do anything about it, and furthermore, as much as she might get really upset in the short term, I doubt she's going to hold onto the anger once she realizes it's something she has no control over. Also, feel free to PM me or any of the advisor team if you would like to talk about this more one-on-one. Alternatively, feel free to talk about your fears if you do go against her wishes, and we can help you work through those. At 15, you are clearly old enough to make this decision. There are plenty of things you need advice and input from your parents on, but this isn't one of them. So my honest, best advice to you is to start taking responsibility for your own life. Since you're already somewhat out, just expand it.
Hi, Thank you guys so much for your responses. I think the reason she called me an idiot is because that being a part of it would make the world think I'm gay, which I personally do want. But she's simultaneously making me feel like a monster. I've been very comfortable with my sexuality for awhile now, and so have a lot of my close friends. She's making me want to inch further back into my shell. My mom evidently had a terrible time in high school. She was a theatre geek in long island and was bullied severely. Bullying here in this small town is near non-existent and it's not like the hell that's city schools. Option A is that she's afraid I'm going to relive her life. Option B is although she even lets me talk about guys I like with her, she constantly assures she's accepting, internally, me being gay was devastating to her for some reason. Even though she knew I was for awhile, the realization of it is eating away and her and she's clinging to some long-gone concept of me being straight. And that... That just makes me feel beyond worthless. I didn't choose this life for myself whatsoever... I've had enough problems with this; the last thing you need to do is facade that you're OK with something when you're really not. I'd rather you tell me that you can't come to terms with it rather than lying to my face. Anyways, this whole ordeal is really straining our relationship and even though at first I said I wouldn't come out until she says so, I just can't listen to her anymore. Whenever I tell her I came out to my friend, she tells me I'm climbing into a hole and gets angry at me. This is honestly the worst. It just burns inside and makes me want to vomit.
If it was just her worried about you being bullied then I would say just bring over all your supportive friends at one time and let her see how many people love you for who you are. I think you are correct with your other assumptions though. I think she is having trouble dealing with it even though she is putting up a supportive front for you. Like everyone else said, just come out whenever and to whomever you want. It's one of the few things you have control over at 15. She either will jump on the bandwagon with ya or get left behind. I'm fairly certain after everything is said and done she will be sitting right there by your side. Good luck. (*hug*)
