Help There are a million clichés that I could use to start this off. I guess it all boils down to, I've always been different. I am male, and I am 18 years old. I have always been attracted to girls, but I started noticing changes around puberty. I began to see other males differently. This was about five or six years ago, and I didn't put much thought into these feelings. As I grew older, I realized that these feelings toward males were actually attractions. I was sick with embarrassment. I had what could be labelled internal homophobia. I just did not want to match the stereotype of being a homosexual because that's not my identity. I never wanted to appear downright feminine. I just wanted to be me. Although, I do dress well which would be my most feminine trait, I feel like I am mostly masculine. Luckily, I realize that I can retain my masculinity and be attracted to the same sex simultaneously. As I mentioned before, I did like girls. I can remember my huge crush on Catherine Zeta Jones when I saw Zorro in the movie theaters. Granted, I was only five at the time, but hey, it was a crush. Throughout school, I had crushes on girls. And then I noticed boys. This all led to confusion. I thought, "Am I gay? Am I bisexual? What am I at all?" Not until recently did I realize that a label doesn't really matter. I like what I like. These feelings may change and the pursuit for determining my sexuality is endless in my case. Then I entered High School, and I remained closeted. It wasn't until recently that I came out to a few close friends as bisexual. Even though I feel like I am increasingly having more pure homosexual thoughts and feelings. As I suspected, they didn't care. My one friend actually came out to me as well. I became even closer to her after we let out our biggest secrets. Let's just call her Jane for future reference. Before I met Jane, I had this crush on a boy. Let's call him John. John was just perfect. I'm getting corny, but he was just everything I had ever looked for in a guy. He's not what someone would define as hot, but he is simply cute. I don't know if many people would even find him attractive. I only know I did. I let this crush grow for over a year and then Junior year came and I had three classes with him. I would get excited to go to class only to see him. I am a 4.0 student, so I had to balance being around my crush everyday and keep my grades high. John is kind of feminine, but he also keeps his masculinity prominent. He dresses well, and is a theatre kid. He was actually the lead in the school musical. He also plays the piano, guitar, and sings. Oh, did I mention that all of my classes with him were honor courses? So, he's intelligent too. He's very sarcastic, and I almost have the same exact humor as him. I'm sure you can see all of my humor shining through this message. That was sarcasm if you can't tell. So anyway, I am pretty sure that he is straight because he has had a girlfriend, but I can't help but wonder because I see a lot of myself in him. Therefore I wonder if he is having the same feelings as me. I keep telling myself that he could be bisexual, but I feel like I am taunting myself with this thought. At the end of the year, I kept seeing him in out of school events. I always found myself staring in his direction whenever he was present. I kind of got caught a couple of times, but I always pretended to being zoned out or simply staring at something else. It was kind of odd, but I sometimes caught him staring at me first. He also gave me his number because I needed a ride somewhere, and needed to get ahold of him. I just thought it was nice because he offered it. I have texted him before and he constantly uses smilies at me. I never hold a conversation for long mostly because I am a horrible texter. I just feel even more taunted by this... At the end of the school year, John hugged me. It was a friendly hug, but I didn't know what to do. I've only been in one relationship, and I do not know how to handle physical emotion. I wish I would have savored it more now. And that wasn't the last time either, he hugged me once more. Although I do see him hugging other people, I just can't get this out of my head. It's like I'm being haunted. I like him so much, and I don't feel like I can talk about to anyone. I've told Jane and only Jane. Now whenever Jane, John and me are together I just feel extremely awkward because I am so used to acting and hiding this crush in public. Then to add to the mess, I feel attracted to Jane sometimes, but I won't act upon these feelings because I would rather have her as a longterm friend than a short term girlfriend. All in all, my mind keeps going back to John. My brain is a broken record forever repeating John in my head. I just can't get him out. I don't even know if I want him out. I'm finding it increasingly harder to retain my crush. I really like him, and I know it's real. I've never had any crushes on guys until him. In fact, I am not even attracted to any other guys except him now. I guess this is what love is supposed to feel like, even though it is unattainable. Or maybe I've created this in my head. Please tell me what I should do to help the situation, and feel free to share any similar experiences.
Re: Help Darn. I had huge crush, he and me...yeah ONLY man i ever felt attracted to...made me very confused even now...we had a lot in common also. he didn't tell me he was gay! but finally after weird excuses like peeps will talk and gossip about us, he sadly friended me on fb, and i think it is he feared i would not like him anymore as he and me talked about God all the time. i saw him at deaf event, he was in equality booth. he hugs everybody too as is tradition for deaf, but...for me he said he must go around table, and it was deep, close body, long, and ended after i pull away. same before i left. he has bf, who was there, and not intro to me, and i try to say hi to him he ignore and stare at me. recently as he rarely replays to me fb and i not see him much as he stopped working at my college, i asked if he does not want to be friends if i bother him just tell me i unfriend him. he said not to, he "sooo busy". :/ im super confused. he does not know i am transgender. i do not know why i got crazy in love with him, or why it seems he has some feelings for me. it is unattainable too. i hope you do tell somebody, jane and or john, you care about and like them so much and would be willing for more time together to see about a better relationship, as if the one and only guy i ever liked did that, i would be willing to come out to him and hope we could see how we could make it work. can you believe us both assuming each other pristine straight, and i had hoped to prove to everyone if i dated him i was normal and straight...but scared to death him finding out I'm "a perv"...i thought he was so much not able to undy the "gay" way i think...about being a boy inside and really liking girls...and how i told him once by accident he remmy of my friends that are girls. so you never know what they may love about you and be maybe thrilled you undy them if only you take a chance and say it!
Hi, Welcome to Empty Closets! If you are not out to him, come out to him. Tell him that you feel like he's a good friend, so you just want him to know. You can do it by text if you like. It's best to see how he reacts to that before proceeding any further. Eventually, though, it's best for you to either get confirmation that he's not interested in guys, or find out one way or the other whether he could be interested in you. Knowing for sure that it isn't possible is very helpful in getting over a crush--and if you find out it is possible, you don't have to get over it. Also see if he wants to hang out over the summer. Hugging means that you are friends, and friends can invite each other to hang out. He seems like he will be a great friend even if he doesn't return your feelings. For now, just enjoy that you can have these feelings for someone. They really are wonderful feelings, even if they aren't returned. ---------- Post added 3rd Jun 2012 at 10:02 PM ---------- Deaf Not Blind: Gay men do sometimes date transguys. He may be unattainable because of being in a relationship, but not necessarily because you are a transman. (He's more likely to be into you if you actually transition though.) Either way, he might be a good person to come out to.
Being that i'm a giant romance junkie, I would automatically tell you to tell him then picture in my mind an anime scene where a person is confessing their love on a pier with a sunset in the background. Hehe But I wouldn't recommend that for someone who you want to preserve your friendship with. The first step is coming out to him. He probably won't think of you as a potential boyfriend if he doesn't know the possibility is there. Best of luck on your conquest (*hug*)
Re: Help Wow, your situation is scary identical to mine. Literally everything is the same except I was a senior and he was a junior, and that if someone tried to hug me they'd be on the floor. That being said, the only way to fix this is to tell him, though to be honest I don't really know because I still can't get over him even after I told him I was bisexual and he said he wasn't. I hope you get better results because where I am now sucks.
Maybe, but face to face...I would not leave that one to a fB message. He had said he wanted to see me before I fly to DC, maybe July, but alone not at my party. If I ever tell, it would be then.
