Ok, this doesn't matter to me personally. I don't see it as a problem, but you tell me. I'm transgendered, FTM. I've been engaged to a man for 3 years, and I'm gay. He's always been bi, as far as what he told me. I recently found out he cheated on me multiple times. With women... I forgave him, but a few months later I got a random, paranoid feeling. He caught me snooping.. He yelled, and deleted everything in any record he had. Then he started crying, and said, "Well, maybe you shouldn't be worried! Because I'm gay!" I've never had suspicions or evidence of him cheating on me with a man, and since my body is still biologically female, I feel very... Inferior to what he desires. But that's not the worst of it. I feel like he told me this just so I'd say, "Ok, I can all of a sudden trust you!" He talks to MANY girls in a flirty way, not in the sisterly way he used to. He pays no attention to me as a man, but says, "I don't want Derek. Can I have Molly"? As if I'm 2 different people. I kick myself everyday as if it's my fault for being born in the wrong body, for him and myself. But I can't tell if he's bi or gay. It doesn't matter, other than how closely I feel I should monitor. (I've stopped myself from snooping.) How do I deal with all of this? v.v
First off, you're engaged for 3 years but you're 15..? I typed up a whole reply and it got erased, so here's a condensed version. Honestly, he's cheated on you before, which is a warning flag right there. And he doesn't accept you for who you really are, which is a guy and not a girl. If you're intending on transitioning, either he's going to have to change (his attitudes) with you, or the relationship does, and it doesn't look like he's going to change. I'm not saying you should end the relationship, but I'm wondering if there's some resounding reason why you can't/don't want to leave him.
You are both young and he is confused about his sexuality, which is causing him to act out. Obviously, the gay thing is upsetting him. Whatever his sexuality is, he is obviously struggling with it. This can cause a lot of problems in relationships for anyone, but maybe even more because you are trans. His relationship with you increases his confusion--is he attracted to your maleness, or to your female body? He doesn't know. This upsets him further, and he feels like he can't talk to you about it without upsetting or hurting you. I don't think you need to worry about him being attracted to you; it's his attraction to you, and his uncertainty about whether that attraction is homosexual or heterosexual, that is causing his distress (because of internalized homophobia). If, as seems likely, he started dating you when you were "Molly," it's likely that his distress increases the more he sees you as "Derek." His distress is not really about your identity, however, it's about what it means about his own identity. He felt the need to reaffirm his attraction to girls by cheating on you. Did he identify as bisexual before you started dating?
Yes. He was open to me about it from the beginning, and I was always fine with it. I don't care if he's bi or gay. As long as he loves me. I just need to know what to look out for .
