I don't really know how to describe this. I guess before when I was closeted and unsure, I didn't know what my "identity"/sense of self was because of that issue. Almost like once I figured it out and came out to people, that would be the last piece of the puzzle and I'd feel more complete. But I think it's almost the opposite. Using the same analogy, it's almost like I didn't really have any pieces to begin with, and now that gay piece is the only one I've got, and it's all I feel like I have as part of my identity. I have no idea if that made any sense. I feel like I'm just kinda "here". I'm on the planet Earth, I'm living my life, but that's it. Almost like I'm just going through the motions. It's a weird feeling that I "don't know who I am", for lack of a better way to describe it. After coming out I thought I'd finally had it all figured out. But if I truly believe I don't know who I am, then I don't know what I'm looking for either, you know? I'm not necessarily unhappy or anything, just... confused? Even that word doesn't seem right to describe what I'm feeling.
You are out to only some people right? That can sometimes be strange. Like, you feel like your "gay self" is separate from your other self. Especially in cases like yours where you are out at university, but not at home, or things like that. But really, you are just one person. I mean that I think what you are feeling is that your gay identity is cut off from your identity that you developed over the course of your life while you were growing up--your home identity, the identity you share with your family. Aside from coming out more, so that your different "selves" can be reintegrated, I don't have any real advice. But that's what I think is going on with you.
thats why some people go to a church to find out why they exist. i will tell you i think we each exist for an importnat reason and maybe we will not even know what that is. but i know we are here to try to make the world better by showing love and respect every day for every person and unfortunately some people do the opposite and make earth more hellish. dont know i can help but i hope my try does. you are here to use your talents and caring heart to show others how to live.
Makes a lot of sense, so thanks for that. On the other hand, the more I think about it it doesn't in some aspects. I mean, I get the idea, and agree with it. But if I look at myself, a lot of the stuff from my old/home/closeted life are traits that I'm not really proud of, because of the circumstances they developed in. And consequently, the things that I deemed "good" I think I've tried to carry through into my new/out/"real" life. Hopefully. Maybe. But yeah, that does make a lot of sense though. It was one thing to be completely closeted and think it's okay because I didn't know any better, but now having experienced both sides, being half-closeted definitely eats at me a lot at times. Definitely does, and I'll try and keep that in mind. Sometimes it helps for me to stop overcomplicating things and remember to just live... well
even when i was not at all out, i would have been your friend, when you out or not...face to face...and I bet you don't know that, there are likely others like me, and they just need a good buddy. so just when you feel too much sorrow, try to really hard look for the little bits of beauty and joy, in anything around you...and think what you do have in you that is unique and good...and search for ways to use it, to make somebody happy, even just opening a door for someone or saying you are welcome...you will be surprised how far that goes to make you smile too.
It's called: "freedom". You just don't know what to do with it since you never realised you had it Or, at least, that's how I experienced it. I didn't really notice it immediately after I came out, but over time, I started to notice more and more the instances where I did things not because I wanted them, but because they were what other people expected me to do. Or even worse: because they where what I thought other people expected me to do. I just didn't really realise it because I was too busy trying to be unobtrusive to make sure people wouldn't start being suspicious. Almost as if I finally managed to get my arms loose out of the straightjacket, only to found out it was still wrapped around the rest of my body. And yeah, it is disorienting to discover you can't really say what YOU would do in a given situation, since you always did what you thought other people wanted you to do. Bright side: never too late to find out your own identity! It just takes some time, but discovery is fun. You don't know now, but you will know eventually. It can start with little things. You feel like watching movie X, reading book Y, dressing in piece of clothing Z, but were afraid what other people would say? Just go for it for once, and marvel in how it really doesn't matter in the greater scheme of things. At worst, if people ask, you say "just wanted to try it out for once!". Then, it can go onward towards larger things: actually being the one that proposes going somewhere with friends, or telling that one anecdote you always kept in. I'm not saying "get wild" here. Don't do anything life-changing on a lark. I'm just saying that you won't find out your identity by sitting inside and pondering it. To just speak for myself, over the last few years, I've tried being more open with friends (both about myself as about my opinions on their issues), being more liberal when buying stuff I feel I'd like having, Being more proactive in making my opinions known at work. Deciding I really wanted to spend a weekend in Paris and just going out and actually spend that weekend. That kind of stuff. I don't think that in the end, I discovered being that much different from who I thought I was, but it was nice discovering some little accents here and there that I never knew were there.
When you find the answer BudderMC, let me know. I've been living with that all my life. I think for me it's inadequacy that makes me feel this way. I feel inadequate as a gay man because I have few gay friends and no gay partner, I feel inadequate because I look str8/talk str8/walk str8/live str8, I feel inadequate because my job doesn't pay well, I feel inadequate for many, many, reasons. And I don't think I will feel a sense of self/identity until I start feeling accomplished, satisfied, and complete. Hope this helps.
I'm not gonna quote the rest because that's a lot of text, but I appreciate all the advice Filip. Definitely feeling this. I mean, there come times when I make a decision and I know that I feel good about it because I wholeheartedly stand by it. I love that feeling; makes me feel like I'm justified in how I present myself to the world by being myself. I just need to find a way to get that feeling through everything I do.
The fact of the matter is that this might not have much to do with your orientation at all. You're 20. You're in that transition period between being a 'kid' and being an adult. You haven't really settled on a career necessarily. You've got one foot out the door of your parents' house and one foot still in. So I think what you're feeling is quite natural for anyone your age. Just keep moving forward knowing that things will become clearer with time.
I feel the same way. Nowadays I kind of just stumble through life, letting what happens happen, not really knowing anything about myself, too scared to find out :/
sometimes we jus become too philosophical its great dat u r out and perhaps u r feeling dat great load is not der on ur mind anymore. our emotions try to deceive us. we shud try to be smart and control them. we should take time to decribe our lives ourselves. only we can understand ourselves well. much more then anybody , and i think a good nights sleep. a short trip a great piece of music , certainly helps best of luck tc. feel free to talk to us on Ec
And then there's a category of *discovering* an aspect of one's self that may not have ever integrated. Often simply from needing to grow into awareness. I'm unashamed to daily see some fractal tile of the mosaic which is me- come into it's own as part of me as a whole. And my only shame so far has been self-chiding. Mostly over how long it's been to get where I am heading towards. Full self ownership's a process of it's own goal.
