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Is my boyfriend gay?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by jlander, Jun 4, 2012.

  1. jlander

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    Hi, I'm a straight 29 year old woman and have been with my 28 year old boyfriend for over two years. We have been talking about getting married very soon and have been living together for a year.

    Last year one of my friends told me she thought he's gay. She said some of her gay friends got the vibe from him. I had never even thought this until it came up, and I've been struggling with it for over a year. One of my other friends admitted that she thought he was gay as well.

    He kind of has an effiminate voice and it sounds rather high pitched sometimes. He moves his hands in a feminine manner when he speaks. He had three cats when I met him (I know, single straight men have cats, but I'd never met one). He doesn't initiate sex a lot. We only do it about once a week or so. Sometimes he can't finish through intercourse. Lately, that hasn't been a problem though. He turns me down for sex every once in a while and says he's not like other guys that want to do it everyday. He comments on female fashion every once in a while. Just about all of his friends are girls. When he was an intern he had a man fired for making sexual passes at him. His current gay co-worker seems to like him too much too. These things are probably totally in my head, but I can't help but wonder if he's gay.

    The reasons he may not be gay include: He was with his ex for 5 years, and in the beginning of our relationship he was still talking to her. I know he loved her very much. I have found straight porn on his phone and computer. Sometimes it's women by themselves. I found out he had sexually chatted on skype with some girl overseas when we were first dating. (not since then).
    He's very much into masculine things like sports. He played baseball for ten years. Everyday he tells me how beautiful I am and that he loves me.

    I've straight up asked him if he's gay. He says no. He knows he's not the most masculine guy, but something in my gut keeps telling me otherwise. He recently brought up a search he saw on my phone about signs of being gay. He said he was really hurt by it. I am 100% in support of gay people, but I want the person I'm with to be straight. Last night I had a dream that he came out to me, which is why I'm posting on here now. Am I crazy or do all of the above seem to make me right?
     
  2. Ianthe

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    There are some straight men who are gender variant, meaning that they are feminine. The two things do not cause each other.

    So, if all the reasons you think he is gay relate to that and not to whether he enjoys sex with women or men, then I think you should be careful in making judgments.

    That said, I hate to tell you to go against your gut. When people think their partner is gay, they are usually right. So, yeah.
     
  3. Ben

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    Hey and welcome!

    I think you might need to tread carefully with the way you're interpreting how he acts. Being gay is about having a sexual attraction to men, not having a lisp or gesticulating. If he has straight porn and flirted with women, then I think that's a pretty clear sign he's attracted to women, and I didn't read any evidence in your post that he's sexually attracted to men. Of course, I don't know his sexuality. Only he knows that, and you might have to take a leap of faith and just trust him. What I can tell you is that how he acts aside, all the evidence of his sexual attractions you've provided point towards women.
     
  4. kylegf2011

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    I dont think he´s gay for what you have said. The fact that he has straight porn in his cell phone is already a huge sign he isn´t. And then on top of that you say sexually he chatted on skype with girls. And if that wasnt enough, he says he´s straight. In my opinion he has to be at least bisexual, but for what you have said, I think he´s straight. Many gay people dont act feminine, while many straight men do.

    Hope this helps :slight_smile:
     
  5. Christiaan

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    He sounds like an effeminate straight guy, and they are as common as ticks on a deerhound.

    Look, tell him, "it's okay if you're gay, and I really like your femme vibe if you are not." Abrupt is better because it prevents a build-up of tension, and it gives you a chance to move on to another subject if he isn't taking it well. Come clean with him about your questions, and be supportive and affirming of the person he is. Femme straight guys can make really awesome dads, sometimes, so I think it's really cool that he is that way.

    You know, my s.o. and I have a little dog, and the guy who does her hair broadcasts a very strong femme vibe. He has six kids. Now that I have gotten to know him, I've realized that I was really silly to think that he was a gay guy just because he was femme. I've honestly gotten stronger gay vibes off of more butch-looking gay guys.

    On the other hand, my first lover was a formerly closeted gay guy who tried to play marriage and family, and it just about killed him. So, on the off chance that he is gay, flush him out of the dang closet before he hurts himself. My opinion is that he is 100% straight, but it's always good to discuss these things, even if you don't get a vibe.
     
    #5 Christiaan, Jun 4, 2012
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2012
  6. Mogget

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    The fact that gay men are attracted to your bf does not in any sense, suggest he's attracted to men. One of the perils of being gay is constantly finding straight people attractive. It's really, really common.
     
  7. Pret Allez

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    No, you're not crazy, and I think he probably is gay. He might not be. I can understand your desire to be with a man who is straight or bisexual.

    However, what I don't understand is snooping, and I believe you should rethink the place that it has in relationships (the correct answer is that it has no place in relationships). I see a lot of worrying signals about a lack of trust in your post. From what I read, you've both snooped on each other's electronic devices. You've asked him if he's gay. He said no. You don't believe that, so you're posting here to ask us if we think he is.
     
    #7 Pret Allez, Jun 4, 2012
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2012
  8. Brenny

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    The straight porn is kind of a hint. I don't know... do a lot of gay guys like straight porn? But either way, you have gut feelings for a reason and a good amount of the time, there is a reason for having those feelings. My mom's friend has been married for over ten years. Their marriage is falling apart because he is a closeted gay. If he is gay, you definitely don't want to be dealing with that years after marriage.

    Good luck figuring out all of this... I would just let him know that if he is, you still care about him and love him and that it is okay. But you NEED and deserve the truth. But list good reason not to assume he is gay.
     
  9. TeeJay

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    I agree with this. If you can't trust each other, and you suspect he's gay, then why are you two even together. I mean seriously, your going to leave here the same as you came. Then your going to go to someone/somewhere else until you finally get the answers you want then you'll break up with him, or he'll get so offended by what your doing he'll break up with you... Seriously think about why you two are together now, and decide whether or not to stay with him. If you don't want to be with him then you know what to do. Because if you don't then all your really doing is wasting yours and his time and energy.
     
  10. Christiaan

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    Jeez, does having a relationship where privacy doesn't exist, and not caring, make me a freak? Seriously, I don't understand these people who are in relationships but are so protective over their privacy and stuff. I acknowledge that some people are like that even with their love partners, but I end up in these bizarre relationships where you feel like you just found the other half of your incomplete brain or something. Therefore, I really seriously do not truly comprehend why some people here view it as "snooping" to look through your mate's porn.

    It's me. I'm the weirdo. I'm the crazy one. Don't mind me. I'm just some poor wacko.
     
  11. Pret Allez

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    That view is chilling.
     
  12. squally89

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    Hi Jlander,

    Welcome to EC and thanks for your post.
    I have some questions for you (you can choose to answer them or simply keep them in mind)
    You mentioned his behaviour (E.g. The three cats, the hand gesture etc.) It appears those actions are potentially making others believe he could be "gay" or "less straight", does that bother you?
    There are already strong external influences on both of you which could have resulted in the snooping, is this the kind of relationship you wish to be in? Do you feel you can truly trust your boyfriend 100%, even if he says he's not gay?

    ---------- Post added 4th Jun 2012 at 08:53 PM ----------

    Hi Jlander,

    Be sure to checkout this thread as well: Closet Straights
     
  13. stilllovelyafte

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    I have to agree with the people above who suggest that mere actions/mannerisms/perceptions are not the best way to figure out your answer here. "Gaydar" and hunches can sometimes be indicative, but in my questioning, I've met gays who are more masculine than any straight guys I know and I've also met married guys who seem quite happy and genuine despite very effeminate tendencies. For me, I've always been preoccupied by the 'idea of being gay' - to the point that I lost sight of the fact that I never really persistently felt attracted to men. Basically, I believed I was in fact gay, despite the fact that I was rarely, if ever, aroused by men (go figure). I ended up going to crazy lengths to monitor my own behavior out of fear others might "see gay" in me (sorry if this sounds offensive - I say it coming from a different place now). Tighten my wrist, deepen my voice... My insecurity led me to ditch anything I thought seemed weak, effeminate - probably to a counterproductive effect (I probably looked fake, overcompenating).

    So, now that I've treated you to some nonsense on my background... The reason. A few thoughts. First, if he were gay and closeted and keeping it from you and others - do you think he would have the confidence - a. not to change his mannerisms, b. to proudly sport 3 cats, c. do these other things you mention that seem gay/femme? Many (not all) people hiding something do things to compensate for what they are hiding - they don't emphasize their insecurities. He seems quite comfortable in his skin.

    Second, similar point - he's not oblivious to this line of thought. Trust me, if you've brought it up and friends have mentioned it and he's gotten someone in trouble for it at work - he knows he has qualities that strike others as gay and he is okay with it. I think, if you want to be with him (which is another story), you sort of need to take him at his word on this.

    Third, the sex stuff. Having spent lots of time around friends in and out of serious relationships (of different varieties of "horny-ness"), I see nothing out of the ordinary in the way you describe your sex life. It may not be quite what you want, but it is not abnormal. I think as you settle into a relationship, for some people things slow down. A few times a week a few years in is fine. Also, many men have trouble finishing - especially when alcohol is involved or if they are on SSRIs.

    I close by saying - please take everything I say lightly. I'm just trying to be helpful and supportive. I think the take away is - there is no way to know for sure. Nothing you've said indicates he is gay. I think you need to dig deep and figure out whether you're comfortable with this uncertainty in your mind and willing to take that leap of faith. If you let him know you love him and ask him and he says he is not gay, then I think all that's left is your gut.
     
  14. wegsy

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    I had the exact same problem!

    I dated a guy for a year and I didn't really notice it in the beginning but after a while and especially after our break up I can't help but think he is gay! He was already a well groomed, artistic, and into fashion type of guy... For example, he loved art and movies was very into cultural things. Which definitely does not make him gay. But he also had some mannerisms and the way he talked was a little feminine. Its hard to notice at first though cause he was a really muscular masculine looking guy. But he took FOREVER to do his hair and was overly concerned with his appearance. He was also really really into going to the gym and was really self conscious about his body. But at the same time.. I never really felt like he WANTED to have sex with me. We had sex maybe every ten days or so.. right around when I would start getting annoyed and want to have sex. And then even when we did have sex it lasted maybe 5-10 minutes. And he was into it but he didn't like kissing me on the lips. There was no real intimacy besides POV contact. He HATED going down on me. And he also never really talked about sex with me. Or told me me how much he wanted me. The fact that he didn't like giving me anything more than a peck though, EVER was the weirdest part. And when I initiated prolonged kissing I could tell he would get uncomfortable. Weird part is, we broke up because I found out/pried him open, and he admitted that he had slept with 5+ girls while we were together and kept all of these inappropriate relationships with girls online and exes and stuff. Maybe he just wasnt interested in me because he saw OTHER people as an outlet for sex? Still weird though because when I asked him the names of the people he slept with he made a joke and for one of them listed a guys name.. with a long pause.. and then said jk. He also felt totally comfortable walking around my house in my tight hello kitty capri pajama bottoms. Who knows.

    BUT-- as it pertains to your story--- I can't 100% tell you he is gay but sometimes trusting your gut is good. We may never know exactly WHY our gut knows what it knows, but our subconscious is sometimes better at figuring things out than we think. For me -- I agree with other people that the mannerisms and stuff can just be because he is a more feminine guy.. but the whole not feeling like he was attracted to you or him not really wanting to sleep with you -- thats strange. A problem in the bedroom is ALWAYS a sign of something ELSE going on .. whether its cheating or sexuality issues.
     
  15. Pat

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    LOL. From chatting with my mom, women think any man is gay when they don't want them lol. This isn't bad, it's good for your self confidence. You look good and you know you look good. There are men who are feminine and straight, there are men who really just don't have high sex drives. He could be gay, but so far from what've you'd told us, he seems perfectly fine to me. Is there anything going on with him? Stress maybe? Communicate with your man. Hint to him that it's okay to be who he is if you want. With caution, because accusing a straight man of being gay is...pretty fucking insulting. Be sure of it. So far you have no proof other than mannerisms and the fact that he's not sleeping with you as often.

    ---------- Post added 26th Oct 2012 at 03:26 PM ----------

    There's a such thing as a metrosexual guy. He could have also been narcissistic just a tad or OCD about contact. He was just REALLY into himself lol. It happens. Improving your body will do that to you.

    ---------- Post added 26th Oct 2012 at 03:29 PM ----------

    haha, My buddy Alex goes through this often. He has gay friends, he's friendly to EVERYONE. Even when he can't realize when a guy is hitting on him he's still smiling. I mean, if he's winking or making gestures just for that person to see, then I would suggest that he's bi curious. The thing that KILLS me about the bisexual thing is that I have actually gotten the chance to know how a TRUE bi guy feels. And it's crowded with guys who just like to fuck anything that moves and then want to identify as bi curious or whatever they call it these days. There are guys who like sex, who like blow jobs and just don't care where they get them from. Especially if it's pent up.
     
  16. kats44

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    I have a very similar problem to Wegsy (I reposted below).
    I don't know what to do, because I am in the best relationship I have ever been in, and I love my boyfriend very much, but it's strange, he doesn't really seem that interested in sex, and the intimacy does seem kind of minimal - we only really "french kiss" during sex and no other time. We have sex probably 1-2 times per week lately which seems less frequent since I actually addressed concerns about him being gay, and I wonder if that may be making him self-conscious and not really wanting to do it. At the beginning we had sex much more and he seemed more generally aroused by me. We've been together about 9 months, and it's been about 2 months since I addressed the gay thing. I can't really say what it is, I just don't get the sense he is that turned on by me. But I have to admit that I have wondered if other boyfriends were gay (who in hindsight really weren't), but I can't stop thinking about it, and I've talked about it with him too much now that I know I am really hurting his feelings.
    He absolutely denies it, and says it is pretty offensive and that he has just been really stressed lately, but I guess it's the minimal intimacy and seeming sexual desire, plus the sort of femme hand gestures he makes (he is european, so I don't know if that changes things a bit here), plus his two best friends are gay and he is incredibly comfortable around gay men.
    I really hope I'm not making too many biased and silly assumptions, but I'm trying to honestly consider all of the things that may be making me think he's gay, and how to move beyond it so as not to ruin a relationship that could be amazing.
    Anyway, does anyone have any thoughts?
    Thanks.

     
  17. Lewis

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    I doubt he's gay, I think it's something else. Not sure what though...
     
  18. piratealisonnn

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    I think there are a lot of stereotypes scattered in your post. As I'm sure you have witnessed, or even been a victim of at some point in your life, stereotypes are extremely hurtful and give wrong perceptions about various things. Also, the fact that you don't seem to trust him shows that this is a pretty unhealthy relationship.
     
  19. kats44

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    I'm not sure if the people who responded after me were responding to my post, or the initial one, but if it was to me, thanks for the responses...
    I agree, my post is very full of stereotypes. I just wanted to be very honest about the things that are making me question his sexuality. I really want to believe that I'm being crazy and that this is my issue, to be honest. I do agree that it's not healthy that I don't trust him when he tells me he's not gay, but you just hear about this so much, that it's hard to just go with it and have faith. I think the fact that his two best friends are gay and he's so very open about talking about gay sex kind of throws me off, and I'm well aware that that doesn't make me sound like a wonderful person, but I'm just being very honest. It's also the sex thing, there just hasn't really been much foreplay ever, and the he doesn't seem overly interested in my "female parts" for lack of a better expression.
    Any other thoughts or advice??
     
  20. MBS

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    In a situation like this, when you are examining your partner very extensively, I would take a step back and examine yourself. You mentioned that your relationship has been going on for 2 years, and that you had recently been discussing marriage. Even though you have been living with him for a year, marriage is still a HUGE commitment. A very big one psychologically, that could be affecting you. Maybe the reason why your worries have escalated to the point of posting on this site is the impending, and life altering commitment that you feel the pressures of. You said you have been struggling with it for over a year, did this struggle start around the time of your first big step in the relationship? And by that I mean the move in with him.

    You are not crazy. I do agree that these feelings must hold some sort of validity however because something is causing them, but you need to see if the cause is born out of you, or your possibly future husband. Whatever is causing them is damaging your relationship with him. I would advise doing some self searching and determine the root of the problem. Seriously consider you might be it. But this is something you will need to workout with your partner. Please communicate with him openly, and the best of a luck to the resolution of your problem and a long and happy relationship!