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Being open vs advertising it

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Destiny, Jun 4, 2012.

  1. Destiny

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    So, a family member thinks that I shouldn't "advertise" me being a lesbian. They think it's ok to be open but not to advertise? This doesn't make any sense to me. They think that coming out and telling people that you're not straight is advertising it.

    I don't know how to help them understand that I don't like lying to everyone. When I started posting gay marriage rights and stuff they said "You should stop with the gay rights stuff because people will find out" I said I don't care... they think that one person will say something mean, and I'll break into tears or something. :dry: But, the only persons opinion that matters is this person. And, they don't understand. At all. I never do anything without talking to this person first, so how am I supposed to be open without him telling me no? :/

    It's pride month and how am I supposed to be proud of who I am when I basically lie to everyone. How can I be open without coming right out and saying I'm a lesbian? I hate not being able to express myself.

    We even had a conversation about facebooks "inserested in" on your profile...
    Me~ I'm not trying to start anyhitng but isn't you saying "interested in" women on facebook advertising that you're straight?
    Him~ No, that's not the same thing.
    Me~ How?
    Him~ Well, you have to choose one.
    Me~ No, you don't. You can not choose any or hide it.
    Him~ Oh...well when I got a fb you had to choose one. And, another reason is to tell gay guys to not flirt with me cuz I'm straight.
    Me~ ..... -.-

    I could have gone on to say Well I want to say "interested in" women to get the pervs to back off (I get a lot of older men flirting with me...I'm under 18) But, no matter what I say he is not going to get it. I hate this very much. I feel like he is trying to protect me from getting my feelings hurt but he doesn't realize that his opinion is the only one that matters. And, I feel like he is trying to put me in a box, separate from the world. Not sure what to do here?
     
  2. Ianthe

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    Tell him that you want to put "Interested in Women" on your profile to tell straight guys not to flirt with you because you are gay.

    Also, explain that keeping things secret makes you more ashamed, and being open makes you less ashamed, and this effect is stronger than what other people say or do. So it will hurt you more not to tell people than it will hurt you if people react badly.

    And whatever he says, you come out if you're ready. You do it for you.
     
  3. Ianthe is right. You gotta do what you gotta do. It does have a huge effect on how you feel about yourself to be out and open.

    The other thing is, don't let people tell you you're being "too gay" or laying it on too thick. Seriously, don't. Because what straight people don't realize is that they indicate their sexual orientation a million times a day--except they don't notice it. Nobody who is straight notices it. We live in a heteronormative world. Unfortunately being gay sticks out to people, because it's different. But it's not because of anything you are doing, it's because of how other people think about being LGBT.

    You are not being flashy about your sexuality by talking about it. You are not shoving it in anyone's face. And if anyone tries to tell you that you are, they're wrong.
     
  4. PillsHere

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    Depends what you mean on advertising. I could say this is what my friend did. Considering after he came out, he informed people he was gay without being asked..at all..He'd just randomly state "I'm gay" even to random people. What's the point in that? Setting your statuses and all that you like girls and such is fine, I just thought it was..unnecessary, I guess, for him to tell anyone and everyone that he was gay with no incentive too.

    Then again, I'm different and have a more "not caring" point of view on reality. I never went around telling people I was gay, if my sexuality came into question I'd simply state I like guys. I don't see the need to "come out" to people. If someone wants to specifically know my sexuality they can ask me. If society is automatically assuming I'm straight because it's the "normal" thing, then too bad.
     
  5. Ianthe

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    Some people, when they first come out, are thinking about being gay all the time, and so that leads to them telling people all the time that they are. It's just part of the coming out process for some people, before they are comfortable with it. Like, they meet new people and immediately think of having another new person they will eventually have to come out to, and they just want to get it over with. Also, at first some people feel like if they haven't officially come out to someone, that they can't say anything that refers to it.

    When people are more comfortable with themselves, it stops being on the top of their minds all the time, and they realize that they can just be themselves, and people will figure it out.
     
  6. BradThePug

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    I don't think that being truthful on facebook is advertising your sexuality. All you're doing is being honest. I would tell your family member that you are being honest and open about your sexuality.
     
  7. confuzzled82

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    I agree with thecat06. I do think the people that advertise that they are gay are really annoying. My definition of that, though is along the lines of the person that shoves it in EVERYONE's face that they come around. When I meet someone that's like that, my thought process is something along the lines of "So, What. What's the big deal?" Weirdest story I can think of was one night I went to a gay bar, and they had strippers that night. After the show, when the strippers were roaming the crowd, one came up to me and, with the most exaggerated gay lisp you can possibly imagine, said "I'm gay." I just had to tell him "This IS a gay bar. There's a pretty good chance most of the guys here are gay or bi." The place was packed that night.
     
  8. Ianthe

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    Strippers are not presumed to be gay. Many of them just want money. Once, I went to the male strip club for one of my straight friend's birthdays, and there was a gay man who came and talked to us and told us which of the strippers were "gay for pay"--which we did not care about because none of us were planning on picking up the strippers anyway. One of them did keep flirting with me even though I had given all my money to my friend. (I was not out even to myself yet, but I was SO SO VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.) But even in gay clubs, strippers are not presumed to actually be gay. I suspect some of them make better tips if the gay men know (or believe) they are gay. So that would be a reason to go around telling people in the club where he works.