I will try and make this quick. first off i have no problem with homosexuals and i think everyone deserves to be happy. I grew up being only attracted to girls. Then around 18 years old i smoked some weed with some friends and while i was high i had a quick thought that one of my friends was attractive, then i had a massive panic attack. fast forward a few years later and i hadn't had any more doubt about my sexuality after that incident and continued dating women and enjoying it. Then again i was hit with the overwhelming idea of being gay. I got so depressed and anxious over it that i told my girlfriend at the time. She was very understanding but doubted that i might be gay, over time the thoughts went away and i continued on living as a normal straight guy with no more thoughts of being gay. Now i am 26 and last week i got the sudden intrusive thought of being gay again and it is dominating my life. I told both of my parents that i think i am gay and they were extremely open about it and said they loved me either way. I have tried watching gay porn and it didn't stimulate me, i have tried imagining a sexual experience with a man and i can't seem to wrap my head around it but i still have constant anxiety that i am gay and i feel the need to get it off my chest. Straight porn still arouses me and i check girls out constantly but i am at a point that i can't tell if i am naturally attracted to them or it is a defense mechanism i have concocted from an early age because i suffer from internalized homophobia. Any input would be greatly appreciated -Thanks
If you have had romantically and sexually fulfilling relationships with women in the past it is highly unlikely that you are gay. As confusedlady asked, do you feel attracted to men? If so, you might be bisexual. Have you heard of the Kinsey scale? While not perfect, it helps to illustrate that there are a variety of orientations beyond just straight and gay, and that you don't have to be equally attracted to both sexes to be bisexual. You could, for example, be a 1 on the scale - primarily attracted to women with only occasional same-sex attractions.
Being in an emotional/sexual relationship with a man scares the shit out of me. I can't tell if thats my body telling me "no, this is not something you would enjoy" or it is just me being nervous about being gay.
Just reading what you've had to say and comparing it to my anxieties and reactions, I'd say you're in the safe zone, haha. But I'm new to the game as well...just a few weeks ago I realized that when I'm in public places I kind of check out guys without even noticing it. It's been going on for as long as I can remember, and I never really thought anything of it until now. If you uncover hints like that, that's when you should think you're gay. Awesome that you're here discussing these concerns, and I hope that you find peace with whatever comes from all of this! I'm pretty sure it's common to have some homosexual thoughts from time to time, regardless of how straight you are. So really, don't feel ashamed or compelled to think that you're gay now, just because of a little curiosity. Best wishes!
I think it would be a very good idea for you to see a therapist. A therapist will be able to help you work through your feelings and determine your sexual orientation. You don't seem to have had any of the usual experiences that lead most of us to identify as gay, so I'm not sure why you keep thinking that you are. But it's possible that you have repressed some things and are not being entirely honest with yourself. A therapist will be able to work with you and figure out whether you are gay or are having intrusive thoughts about it for some other reason. Just make very sure to go to a gay-friendly therapist, and not someone with a religious agenda.
I actually think that might give you a clue. Here's why: A guy who is totally straight might have a passing thought, "Gee. I wonder if I'm gay?" Then, he looks at a gay porn video and goes "Meh. this does nothing for me" or even "Ewww." And he goes "OK, guess I'm not gay." But someone who is really, deeply, deathly afraid of being gay and in denial might be a lot more likely to feel anxiety when the thought starts to come up. And if the denial is strong enough, it could prevent you from allowing yourself to feel any response to the porn, or to ignore indications that there is a response happening. To be clear: I'm absolutely not saying you're gay. But I have seen a number of situations where the person swore they weren't aroused by gay porn, didn't fantasize over guys, and so forth... and then some little inkling came up and they started getting the idea they might have something going on with not being totally straight... which cause a ton of anxiety... and the cycle continued a bit until they eventually started realizing that the gay feelings were creeping into consciousness. So you could be straight, gay, or somewhere in between. But I do think you could find out, or at least get a better idea, by experimenting with yourself. Try watching a variety of gay porn and see if any of it causes you any sort of arousal. It's common to not feel any arousal to some types of guys, but strong arousal to another type. And try masturbating without watching porn, and thinking about guys, imagining guys bodies, and so forth. Try that a few times rather than just once, and then do the same thinking about women. Finally, walk around somewhere where there are a bunch of attractive guys and girls (a beach or pool, a shopping mall, etc) and without making a conscious effort, pay attention to where your eyes wander. These, combined, usually give you some sense of what's going on. I do think seeing a therapist is an excellent idea, but this is some stuff you can do now while waiting to get into therapy. Also, feel free to PM me or any of the other advisor team if you'd like to talk one-on-one. Sometimes that can be really helpful in clarifying too.
I do think it's interesting that judging from your description, it seems to come in sudden waves of obsession, with barely a trace in between. While I sure had my phases of denial and panic of "I can't be gay", I can't deny that it usually always was interspersed with really crushing on guys, or having he occasional moment of indulging in same-sex fantasies. Even if on most moments, I was perfectly able to block out any thoughts on the matter. I would obviously have sworn to others I didn't, even when I was mostly settled on the idea of being gay, but at least internally, I knew I occasionally "slipped up" in my self-proclaimed straightness and thought of guys instead. So my first question would be: do you have this only about being gay? Or does it come up repeatedly, with different fears you fixate on? If so, some part of it might really be a kind of anxiety disorder. Otherwise, I do endorse the "make your eyes wander" test. Go to some place where there are lots of people, and just look around for a few minutes. Then try to see who your eyes tend to stick on. Let a group of guys and girls walk by and see who the one is that makes your head turn as they pass. Try not to feel forced to make a decision. Like a free sample, you're not obliged to make a purchase. do this in various situations, and at various times. Over time, usually a pattern will become apparent.
Like others have stated, the question is do you find men attractive? The thought of being a gay man scares you, but that doesn't mean that you are gay. I'm pretty sure most straight people would be scared at the thought of being gay. I have to say though, when I was a lot younger and started to notice my attraction towards guys, I felt really immense fear and panic, similar to what you say that you experienced. The difference is that you fear the THOUGHT of being gay, I feared actually being gay and the attraction I had towards the same-sex. There's a significant difference. I think what you need to do is be really true to yourself and acknowledge whether you have any same-sex attraction or if you're just fearing homosexuality itself.
Thank you everyone for your input. I have thought about this more. When I was younger I would get intrusive thoughts ( non-homosexual) that would cause me to go into a depression and I had the constant feeling that I needed to tell people about these thoughts. I also suffer from anxiety that comes and goes periodically. All of those previouse ailments feel just like this crisis I am having, only over different issues. I just want to be happy with myself but I seem to be hardwired to self sabotage my happiness. I also have the fear of coming out as being gay and then not actually being gay and having to deal with backpeddaling. I'm crazy I know.
I still think that therapy will help you sort out what your real feelings are, and if you are gay, therapy will help you accept it. Do you think you could talk to someone?
I have anxiety as well and other obsessions as well. And I very much relate to this: I just want to be happy with myself but I seem to be hardwired to self sabotage my happiness. Seems like I always need to be thinking, obsessing about something...
If you find yourself having other intrusive thoughts (other than just that you might be gay), then it's possible you might have some sort of anxiety or obsessive disorder. As Ianthe and others have suggested, this is something best evaluated by a therapist. You can still do the other tests I suggested, but I do think it's a good idea for you to see a therapist and discuss the issues to get an expert opinion.
