Morning of SAT's, I was so freaken tired and I just wanted to get the hell out of the exam room when I just entered it. I knew that later I had a job to attend too after. Well particularly, I was in the testing area and there was this kid next to me. Long sleeve shirt and sweat pants on. He was fairly attractive and the funny part about it is that I hardly see guys like this. Well its due to the fact that I am in a catholic school and I was taking the test in a public school. But he was so cute and I wanted talk to him. I couldn't keep my offs off him, but it just really concerns me about myself. I looked at him as he left and knew that that was the last time i would ever see him. I hate when you have that feeling. Here is another problem to this equation. I have a girlfriend. I didn't know where I should have posted on this but I have been concerning about this for a very long time. The reality is, is that I don't know what I want. I love my girlfriend and I mean we have a sexual relationship to an extent. We haven't had sex yet but she had given my favors, but no oral favors, She think that is gross. In which my case, I don't think it is. I have experimented with a couple kids when I was very young, and oral was common. We were little boys and the past have changed. My life is such a mess right now and I don't know who to love. I can't love myself. I want to be with her, but I have such urges to men. For god sakes, I have dildos, and I play with myself. After any masturbation with gay porn, or play I feel so guilty. I always want to take a razor and cut those things in half but I wont. I want to cry so badly because I want somebody to love and I won't somebody that I can only think about all the time. I don't know why I have these feelings. I don't want to but I want to. I crave for sexual activity and i just don't know. I'm so lost in my world.
