I know the direction I expect this discussion to go, but I just need to get it off my chest to lighten my emotional load right now. Thanks for your support! I have no idea how often there are people on this forum who feel pressure to be gay, but that's basically what I'm feeling right now, in addition to the more typical pressure to be straight. This comes from the fact that I grew up as a somewhat sexually ambiguous guy...never really got into serious sexual relationships with girls ever. But not with guys either. Coupled with that was a pretty tolerant and accepting upbringing. I was always a little different, and my friends and family are so supportive that I almost want to be gay just because they're so accepting...if that makes sense. So here's the big predicament: I don't have enough...um...experience to know for sure if I'm full-rainbow gay or just some lighter shade. I've spent the past couple of months doing some soul searching, and I've at least come to the conclusion that I have suppressed homosexual feelings over the years, on a subconscious level. Like, there's definitely some gay in me, and I've reached the point of acceptance and ownership about that. :eusa_danc But I'm still scared about what happens next, especially because I am feeling pressure to come out before I have true, tangible evidence (e.g. a boyfriend). I would really feel cheap if I came out as bisexual and then just never ever fell for a woman, or if I came out as gay and then never actually dated a guy. Should I try to find a boyfriend while I'm in the closet (advice on how to do so would be awesome)? Do I take a chance and say I'm 100% gay even if I find out I'm not? Do I just come out with some really tentative statement of my sexual orientation? A few pressures, a lot of options, and endless outcomes. Makes me nervous as hell but extremely excited as well. Life throws so many unexpected things at you! If you guys have any advice, I'd love to hear it. If not, I may be back with updates. Thanks so much!
I honestly feel like putting a label on sexuality, in my case, is near impossible. Sometimes I feel attracted to women and sometimes to men. Sometimes I'm attracted to both. For a long time I thought I was only a homosexual in the bi-closet. Lately, I just feel completely homosexual, but I don't tell anyone that. The people I have told think I'm bisexual. Personally, I really connect with your ambiguous statement. Throughout my life I have remained ambiguous. I am a guy who retains masculinity, but can emotionally connect at a feminine level. This is why defining something that is amorphous is not possible. I would just stick to the whole bisexual label and not worry over your sexuality because feelings change. At least for me. I just know what I like when I like it. That's it. This is corny, but even if you choose a label, don't let it define you. Things change, and you might evolve with them.
Hi there and welcome to EC! I read this and wonder what you mean? Have you also suppressed some heterosexual feelings over the years? Do you fantasize or use pornography? What are you fantasizing about? Other men? Or women? That really gets to the heart of it. If you're 'wired' to be attracted to men it will show up as a physical attraction first (typically) and with acceptance will come the emotional attraction. So what turns your crank?
Hey, Jim1454, thanks for the question - you're helping me refine some of my more confusing thoughts. So here's an attempted answer to your question: on a conscious level, I grew up a little afraid of heterosexual relationships. My mom is a bit of a feminist, and she kept on telling me that it wasn't ok to abuse women/I needed to make sure not to infringe on ANY women's rights/etc. In addition, I just told myself that having a girlfriend would take up too much time, that it wasn't worth it. I'm guessing there were other forces repelling me from women, including some weird pressure (which I assumed was peer pressure to fit in with my more feminine qualities). Now I can see that there was likely some other internal force preventing me from liking girls - some basic gay instinct, I suppose. On a subconscious level, I do think I have been physically attracted to guys for a long time. I just hadn't recognized it as that until recently. When I look back, I can remember lots of experiences which really raise some flags (though I never really did anything explicitly gay), and the fact that I remember these quasi-homosexual moments better than a lot of bigger heterosexual moments tells me that it was something fundamentally important to me, even if it only affected my subconscious at the time. The fantasizing stuff you bring up does point me more in the gay direction, and I certainly dream more about males than females, which says a whole lot about my subconscious desires. But no dreams are sexually graphic, probably because I just don't have firsthand experience there...haha. What I was trying to say earlier, I suppose, is that the pressures I've been feeling have prevented me from feeling comfortable being attracted to anyone of any gender. My plan from here is just to open up and try to do a better job dealing with these pressures...this pretty much entails coming out and being at peace with that, so I just need to find a good time to do the dirty work (and this week might be the worst time imaginable, haha). Well, back to schoolwork! Thanks for the support.
I'm happy to help. I think those things might have been rationalizations to explain why you weren't dating girls. I just chalked it up to me being more of a 'gentleman' to explain why I wasn't chasing any skirts in high school. Or that I was shy. The fact of the matter was that I wasn't attracted to girls. But all the signs around me suggested that I must be straight - because everyone else is. My good friend from high school set me up on a date with a woman he'd met - essentually conned both of us into going - but we hit it off and eventually would get married and have kids. But I was just going with the flow the whole time. So I'm glad you're questioning this now. And in terms of coming out, you can simply come out to people close to you as 'questioning' your orientation. Because you are. You don't need to pick one over the other now if it still doesn't feel right.
As a bisexual, I can definitely relate to your feelings of uncertainty, and the way you try to examine your own thoughts and behaviors. I know this is an uncomfortable place to be, but my advice would be not to rush to label yourself if you're not sure, while at the same time trying to be honest with yourself. I do think having more expetience would help you decide, but I don't think you should rush into a relationship with either sex solely for that purpose. Most importantly, do what feels right to you. Sorry if that's a little vague...
