Recently I've noticed that I've become a lot more closed off to the people around me. I've always been like this because the conversation always ended up talking about meeting a girl and getting married. Even when hanging out with friends there was always talk about meeting girls in clubs or which female celebrity was the hottest etc... I got to the point where I stopped hanging out with those friends because we really had nothing in common. Over the past couple of months I have started doing it with family and colleagues. I rarely talk and when I do it seems that it's only to complain about something someones done. I've tried making conversation but I'm really not interested in anything anymore and talking about the weather is sending me mad. I feel like I need to burst or something, I think I'm getting through each day saying less than 10 words a day. Those being limited to 'hi', 'bye', 'yes' or 'no' as I really can't be bothered to talk anymore. However at the same time being in the closet is sending me crazy and would love to have someone I could just say 'look how hot he is'. Coming out isn't an option at the moment as I'm still trying to deal with being gay and I can't tell someone else I'm gay until I can deal with it myself. The thought of someone thinking of me as gay still gets to me quite a lot.
It is very hard when you feel you have to shut people out especially in a homophobic environment. i am not sure if thats the situation but that is what I am getting from your post. The goal would be to find new friends people who seemed to be more open minded and outgoing. I have a disability and was in the "special ed" room for most of my school life and the kids in there had nothing better to do than make daily anti gay jokes. Sadly I was good friends with them and being a shy person I felt like i could not find a new group of friends. I took alot of risks in High School and some in Middle School which could of outed me and it was all worth it when I got older because I really was never outed. What people think about you does not matter right now because they are technically just rumors until you are comfortable enough to admit it to them. So don't worry about that because in school rumors and gossip fly around like crazy. I personally hated High School and just it takes time for you to accept yourself and i know it is much harder to do in a uncomfortable environment.
It's hard to find a new group of people until I come out and even then I wouldn't be interested in the clubs/bars. I'm not too worried about finding Mr Right, well not until I come out at least. I just need to find a new way to lighten up and stop being serious all the time and become more talkative.
