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Should I Come Out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by vhrebels, Jun 6, 2012.

  1. vhrebels

    vhrebels Guest

    Hi, I'm new to the site and I was just wondering if I should come out. I live in Alabama, and just about everyone here is homophobic. My parents dislike gays and all of my friends hate anyone who even acts gay. I really hate living a lie to everyone I know, but I think that everyone would hate me if they knew I am gay. What should I do?
     
  2. Ianthe

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    Well, at some point, it will be best for you to come out, but I don't know enough about your situation yet.

    Are you living with your parents? Can you support yourself?

    Can you get involved in any community with more accepting people, such as by getting involved in the arts or something?

    ---------- Post added 6th Jun 2012 at 10:41 PM ----------

    Oh, and Welcome to Empty Closets! I can't believe I left that out!
     
  3. stillaweirdo

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    Hey, there! I can relate. I live in Tennessee. The key to maintaining your sanity is to channel it into something else, like Ianthe said. My main focus is the arts. If you can find one person who accepts gays, try to befriend that person. Allies will help exponentially. Congratulations on joining Empty Closets. I'm a teenager as well with very, very similar circumstances, but one thing that really keeps me going is just knowing that it WILL get better. One day, you will be able to live your life as you see fit, with whom you see fit, male or female. I'll keep you in my thoughts. ~Harlan
     
  4. vhrebels

    vhrebels Guest

    I'm 16 and I live with my parents. They are paying for my car and they are saving money for when I go to college. I'm worried that if they even suspect that I'm gay they will quit financially supporting me and they would hate me. I really don't want to come out to them because they are conservative baptists, and I know they will be disappointed in me. I actually tried to get into acting/drama class in school, but my parents wouldn't let me join because there were people in the class that were gay.
     
  5. Willisilliw

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    This might sound bad, but if coming out of the closet would hurt you more than staying in it, you may want to stay closeted until college or you are supporting yourself. I am going through a similar thing right now and decided I am not coming out to most people until I am away in college. Just remember it will get better in the long run, that is what keeps me going.
    Oh and welcome to EC, you are always welcome to post here for support or anything you need.
     
  6. Pret Allez

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    From what you describe, it sounds too unsafe unless you have a way of financially supporting yourself and finding completely new friends if you get negative reactions from everyone.
     
  7. Ianthe

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    I think that you should try to make friends with the kids from the drama class, even though your parents won't let you take it. You don't have to directly approach the gay kids--make friends with people who are accepting of the gay kids.

    I don't think you can come out to everyone until you can be safe, but it is really important for your mental health that you make some friends that will accept you, so that you can come out to them. You really need to build a support system for yourself of supportive people.

    Do you have common activities or classes with anyone who is in the drama class?
     
  8. vhrebels

    vhrebels Guest

    I'm actually out of school right now, but there might be some in my next year's classes.
     
  9. Willisilliw

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    I agree with Ianthe, that's a good point.
     
  10. stillaweirdo

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    Hey! Something to look forward to! That's always something to keep you going, so hold onto it. Look forward to meeting new people when school starts! Look forward to college when there are tons of opportunities to be your true self! Look forward to a happy life, and chase it. This too shall pass. "The creative adult is the child who survived."

    Felt like going all fortune cookie there for a moment. (*hug*)
     
  11. Mad Man L

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    In scenarios like this, it's best not to come out until you're at college or can financially support yourself. Just because you have accepted yourself, it doesn't mean you need to out yourself right away, especially if your parents are quite conservative.
     
  12. vhrebels

    vhrebels Guest

    Thanks everyone for your help! I guess i'll wait until i'm out if college to come out to them. Is there any way that I could not even tell them at all? My parents would be really disappointed in me and I really care about what they think about me.
     
  13. Ianthe

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    You could go forever without ever telling them, but I would strongly recommend against it. Being in the closet has terrible effects on your mental health. If it weren't potentially dangerous, I would be encouraging you to come out as soon as possible. But since your parents could possibly to things that will be worse even than living with the secret, I have to recommend you wait.

    When you come out to your parents, you want to be sure that you have a solid network of good, supportive friends already well established. People that accept you for who you are. If you have that, it will not seem quite as terrible if your parents respond badly.

    The thing is, if you are keeping a part of yourself secret from your parents, you will always feel that they don't really love the "real you." And deep down, that's just as bad as if they knew and rejected you--emotionally. But at this point in your life, their rejection would harm you in more than just the emotional ways. So you have to wait.
     
  14. stillaweirdo

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    Yes, you definitely must tell your parents. But you really should wait until you're out of the house with a great foundation like Ianthe said. It may feel horrible, but I came out waaaay too early and it blew up in my face and I ended up getting exorcised, I think. So, wait, but you have to come out eventually.