Hi I'm new here, this is my first post. Hope you might be able to help? Or just listen, i just need to tell someone, get this off my chest if you know what I mean... I've a messy story so hear me out. When I was 13, I began to really contemplate whether I was gay/bi. I immediately put that side of me to one side, tried to suppress it but I just became really depressed at the fact that I am this way, that I'm not like the rest of my friends, that I'm not 'normal' and most importantly, that I didn't feel i could tell anyone how I was feeling. My depression led me to not eating which led to anorexia which led to two years in hospital wards, being interrogated by armies of psychiatrists and doctors. I still told no one. in fact, suffering from a 'girl's' disease just made me feel even less than a man, making me even less inclined to say how I feel. I'm 16 in two days, have attended school all this year, am in full health, and had practically forgotten about the torment of my possible sexuality. Then, B came along. Or rather, I opened my eyes to see him properly. He joined the school when I was in hospital, so never knew me before my illness. He became an integral member of my circle of friends however and so when i returned our company was sort of forced on one another. I always thought things were awkward between us solely because he didn't want to offend me and didn't know what to say to me whilst I'm just quite a shy person anyway. He is very outgoing, loud, funny and is a big guy: on the teams for rowing and rugby. I'm still skinny so am no longer the A team rugby player I previously was and my dress sense leads people to call me 'hipster'. What I'm trying to say is, on the surface, he's very masculine whereas if someone saw me in the street, it wouldn't be ridiculous (but it would be unlikely) for them to question my sexuality. The thing is I'm not effeminate at all. I'm skinny, yes, but I don't realy care about what I wear, my voice is just like any other guy's, I don't like musicals, I love sport. B on the other hand, amongst our circle of friends, is thought to be probably gay. He wears designer clothes and goes mental if he spills anything on them. He's never had a proper girlfriend. He loves drama and is quite dare I say it, flamboyant. Not that any of these things mean he is gay but we, as his close friends, just feel he probably is or will be. I always wanted to be better friends with B, but we never had much to say when it was just us two. ANYWAY (I'm getting there), recently I've noticed how much he touches me. Not creepily, just he'll go out of his way to hug me (as a mate), pat me on the shoulder, put an arm around my shoulder. He's done this before but now I feel different, when he touches me I don't feel awkward I just feel this electricity in my body. It's quite amazing. We still don't talk much but now i initiate a hug, or I touch him. I feel some sort of connection might be there, but it's tenuous. And I sometimes wonder if I'm interpreting things the way I want them to be...? B prides himself on popularity. Which leads me to believe he might hide his sexuality for years, particularly if he feels people are on to him so he has to act even more 'straight' to throw them off the scent. And I don't know how I'd ever tell him. how awkward it would be if I'm completely misinterpreting things! I'd be crestfallen. But I've really fallen for him, as much as it pains me to say it and as cliche as that sounds. So my questions to you: 1. What to do about B? 2. How to tell my Catholic family? My sister and mum would be fine, my brother would be supportive but I worry he'd view me differently. My dad is very homophobic. Very. And we've never been close. His sister (My aunt) is a lesbian but the sprawling Irish family tend to dance around the issue. Her partner is invited to things, but the less mentioned the better. My grandad forced the rest of the family to accept her for who she was and he just died in January, so I don't know who will stick up for me/ 3. How to tell my friends without them being weirded out and thinking I'm always coming onto them or something stupid. I just want things to be normal. (btw i know no one gay my age) 4. How to know for myself if I'm gay/bi. I guess I have to have an experience and go from there... 5. How things will be for someone like me - blokey, not fitting the stereotype, the only difference between me and other guys my age being that I like guys. Sorry for long post, ANY reply is welcome. Just so you know I live in the UK, so any other British out there your advice is particularly appreciated. Thanks, e.h. x
Okay, so I don't know how much you'll appreciate my advice, but here it is: 1. What to do about B? I think you should just tell him without implying anything and go from there. 2. How to tell my Catholic family? My sister and mum would be fine, my brother would be supportive but I worry he'd view me differently. My dad is very homophobic. Very. And we've never been close. His sister (My aunt) is a lesbian but the sprawling Irish family tend to dance around the issue. Her partner is invited to things, but the less mentioned the better. My grandad forced the rest of the family to accept her for who she was and he just died in January, so I don't know who will stick up for me/ If you know your sister, mum, and aunt will be fine with it, just start by telling them. Its easiest when you tell those who will be sapportive of you first, because then you have them to kinda back you up, and to boost your self-esteem. 3. How to tell my friends without them being weirded out and thinking I'm always coming onto them or something stupid. I just want things to be normal. (btw i know no one gay my age) Things will only be awkward if you make them that way. Before you tell them anything though, casually bring up same-sex partnership rights and such to see if they are against or for it. If they are for it, you can assume that it's alright to tell them. Make sure you come out at your own pace though. 4. How to know for myself if I'm gay/bi. I guess I have to have an experience and go from there... Only you can decide what to label yourself with. Figure out which one fits you closest by definition, and then just go from there. And remember that you don't HAVE to have experience to know your sexual orientation. 5. How things will be for someone like me - blokey, not fitting the stereotype, the only difference between me and other guys my age being that I like guys. Sorry. I don't know about this one... But, I hope I helped a little bit.
Thank you any advice is appreciated. I guess it just boils down to telling people, but at my own pace and telling the most supportive/accepting people first. Thanks
I think same as Mej7 I can add a little more to some of here advice 1. What to do about B? well coming out to him is the best thing you could do, if you don't and let all of those feelings grow it will hurt you (he might be straight and just not fitting in stereotypes) 2. How to tell my Catholic family? My sister and mum would be fine, my brother would be supportive but I worry he'd view me differently. My dad is very homophobic. Very. And we've never been close. His sister (My aunt) is a lesbian but the sprawling Irish family tend to dance around the issue. Her partner is invited to things, but the less mentioned the better. My grandad forced the rest of the family to accept her for who she was and he just died in January, so I don't know who will stick up for me/ I think you should come out to your sister first and if every thing goes on well come out to your mom too, having a support net really helps 4. How to know for myself if I'm gay/bi. I guess I have to have an experience and go from there... well who do you have sexual dreams with, who can you imagine yourself with. and you don't have to label yourself 5. How things will be for someone like me - blokey, not fitting the stereotype, the only difference between me and other guys my age being that I like guys. hey you DON'T HAVE TO FIT, just be yourself, every thing will be all right
I can understand that at this point in your life you have allot going on and you are probably feeling really constricted and confused by it all. Dont worry, We'll get through this, ok? First off, let me tell you that you are really quite special, the fact that you are open to many of these things at 16, and are able to express them and ask for help is really quit amazing. Remember that no matter the outcome, you are still a genuine good person, if people decide to make fun of you remember it is because of 1 of 3 reasons, they dont understand you, they dont understand themselves, or they want to be you. Many people, including yourself will also go through stages of loss (in this case it will be the loss of your "straight" identity). They are (for yourself): Denial- Im not gay, couldnt possibly be, I have a girlfriend, everyone knows me as straight, being gay is a choice. Anger- Fuck queers! Little pansy faggots, I hate gay people, I hate myself! Bargaining- Ok, I like guys, but I kissed a girl once, so Im bi right? I think I like women when I look at them, that makes me straight, I am attracted to men sexually but women emotionally so that makes me bi. Acceptance- Im gay. Im ready to start coming out, and trying to have a happy life, I am ready to accept what people think about me, and try and make new connections. For other people (your dad maybe?) Denial- He cant be gay! I dont raise gay boys, thats just creepy, he isnt gay he's going to have a wife and kids someday. Anger- Fuck! I raised a little pansy fag boy, Im a failure as a father, lets blame this on his mother for coddling him to much, or on me for not beating him up enough and showing him how to be a man. Bargaining- Ok so he likes boys now, but if I send him to this camp, or if I show him how to be a man then he will be "cured". All he needs is a little help and he can choose to be different. Acceptance- Ok my boy is gay, he didnt choose to be, Im just afraid he is going to have a hard life. I need to love him and support him if I want to keep him. I might not understand it but I love him so I will support him anyways. You can keep doing these for anyone you know really. As for your questions, The situation with B is a sticky one. I would continue to try and be really close friends with him, you want to establish a really close connection, so in the event where you do trust one another where you could tell him about your sexuality then he would have the mutual respect to not tell everyone else. Not to mention, if you get to know each other before you tell him the way you feel about him, he is more likely to want to go out with you For your family I think it would be a good idea to tell your siblings and mom first, get as much support as you can, then try and get everyone together when you tell your dad. The more you are able to show him that other people support you and love you, the more likely he will be to respond well. Dont blame any of them for their reactions, they dont love you any differently, they just might not always understand at first, and their perception of you needs to shift. For example: If you have an idea of who someone is, and you are constantly getting information for 16 years that this person is straight, and nothing refutes that, then that person all of a sudden tells you that they are gay, then all of that information that you have collected is wrong and it go's directly in the face of what they think. So they either have to shift their perceptions, or they go through denial until they see enough data that confirms that the person is the way the say they are. That is how denial works. The same will go with your friends also. As for yourself, just know that you are "not straight". Thats an easy way of labeling yourself until you are able to figure it out. Sexuality is not definite one way of the other, it is a spectrum, and we all fall on that spectrum somewhere. Labels are not a bad thing either (though many people here on EC will tell you otherwise) they are simply a tool that we use to identify who someone is, in a way that is easily understandable. Everyone labels, even the people who claim they dont. When you look at someone your brain immediately thinks: tall, dark, white, girl, boy, fat, skinny, hipster, emo, prep, jock, valley girl, ect. Its not a good, or bad thing really. So dont be afraid of labels, they are important, but they dont have to be a bad thing. And how will things be different for you? Well you're a different person, so of course they are going to be different for you. But in a since, not really that different. I can say that not everyone has had a life like your own, but then again, who does? Thats why people are so amazing! Even if I haven't gone trough the same things as you exactly, I am able to imagine how they feel, and empathize. I can promise that if you can find people that are able to empathize with you, and understand what you may be going through, then you probably reconsider how different you actually are. Last, but most certainly not the least, learn to love yourself. Shame, is the feeling of not being enough (good enough, straight enough, thin enough, whatever), and when you are able to get past that it is a feeling of "who do you think you are?" (I know your dad doesnt love you, I know you dont believe what you tell people, your a lier, your a fag, your an asshole, ect). It is our responsibility to be vulnerable. This is deadly to shame. And take this for what is is worth because it is the best advice I can give, and the hardest lesson I have had to learn in life: Stregnth is not the absence of vulnerability, it is not being emotionless, it is not expression who you are because you think others will dissaprove or because "real men dont do that". Rather, it is being vulnerable, being able to say "I love you," first, or "Im gay", or apply for a job you are not sure you will get. It is putting yourself out on the line, and not knowing exactly what will happen next, that is true strength. I send you love, compassion, and support.
