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I hate feelings. Should I tell this girl I like her?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by coastgirl, Jun 7, 2012.

  1. coastgirl

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    I've posted about this girl before around here, so if you're curious you can go back and find the threads. I like girls and so does she, and we both know this.

    Anyway, I haven't yet told her I like her, and I haven't really done anything super overt.

    I feel like my heart has been a punching bag lately though. First I heard her hooking up (not just kissing) another girl at a small house party we were at. She hadn't known this girl more than a few days. This was probably the most painful thing that's ever happened to me in life. Then I heard from friends she was "snuggling" with yet another girl who was known to be crazy and she never showed an inkling of liking. And just this past weekend she went to another city for a long distance booty call apparently because another girl (3rd girl) bought her a bus ticket.

    I've only known her about 6 months, and it's only been in the last month that she's been acting kind of weird. Her other close friends who have known her much longer have commented that she's acting weird and going off the deep end and needs to be "sat down and talked to".

    Meanwhile I am watching in horror at all this happening because I genuinely like her. I have been having trouble showing her this though, and for all I know she may have no idea. I try so hard to show her I like her without being so direct about it, but maybe I'm just not being clear. But I feel like my heart is being ripped to shreds every time she goes for one of these people that is just completely wrong for her. I just don't understand why she would hook up with these people that she never showed any sign of liking in the first place, and even previously indicated she didn't like them or wasn't remotely attracted to them.

    I've been told by several other people that I should just tell her. But is the timing wrong right now? It's become clear to me that she's going through a weird self destructive thing right now and I don't know if this is the right time. Or maybe it's the perfect time, I have no idea. :bang:

    I've been going to a therapist for a few months, which is great. And I seem to have a huge fear of showing someone I like them, and I'm trying to get through it. I'm assuming it has to do with me suppressing my sexuality for so long (I'm 28) and getting so used to hiding my affection for girls and being extremely afraid that it would "show" and give me away. It was a severe anxiety issue for me in school for a while.

    So I'm just kinda stuck. It's been affecting my life - I feel kinda depressed all the time, I'm constantly thinking about her, it puts me in a bad mood. I haven't been able to concentrate on work. So it's not just a passing crush. It's turned into a bit of a monster.
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Hey I think you are probably right in that suppressing your sexuality and feelings of attraction for so long means that its hard for you to show them now, and I also think that the problem when we try to tell people something in a subtle round about way is that to us it looks blindingly obvious but it just passes everyone else by, especially the people we are trying to tell.

    I think you should tell her, I think her hooking up with the other girls is the wake up call you need, I mean ok so far they have just been 1 night things but what if she got into a serious relationship and you never told her and always ended up wondering what if? I know its hard, the fear of rejection is horrible, but if you dont ask you will never know. The worst that happens is that she doesnt like you back, and if thats the case well at least you know and you can go and try and shake off your crush.
     
  3. Ianthe

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    Tell her. If you can't bring yourself to tell her for your own sake, tell her for her, so that she knows she is worthy of love, and doesn't need to act out with all these random people.

    Something is bothering her. Ask her what it is, and tell her how you feel about her. I mean, I have not idea if she'll feel the same way about you, but it will definitely be good for her to know that you feel that way.

    So, my recommendation is to be ready to accept her feelings either way, and tell her how you feel.

    This will be better for you, too, even if she doesn't feel that way about you, since you'll get over it a lot easier if you know for sure.


    On the other hand, my usual advice, in terms of maximizing the probability of success, is to NOT tell her all your feelings, and just ask her out on a date. Just asking for a date is less of a big deal than asking her to have all the same feelings you do right away--it gives her the chance to develop stronger feelings, if she has any interest in you at all.

    But either way, definitely don't just do nothing. Either confess your feelings, or just ask her out. Don't keep going on in silence.
     
  4. pinklov3ly

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    ”And I seem to have a huge fear of showing someone I like them and I'm trying to get through it. I'm assuming it has to do with me suppressing my sexuality for so long (I'm 28) and getting so used to hiding my affection for girls and being extremely afraid that it would "show" and give me away. It was a severe anxiety issue for me in school for a while.”

    Hi! I decided to quote you like this because I'm using my phone :dry:
    I know exactly how you feel regarding the above quote...I'm 25 now, almost 26 and I also suppressed my feelings and denied my feelings for the longest time. This has been my biggest regret ever!! I'm currently dating a girl whom I've grown to love and I'm also having a difficult time showing her how I feel. Enough about me lol...I'd say go for it! Tell her how you feel and do it fast or you could ask her out on a date like Ianthe suggested. You surely wouldn't want her to get serious with someone else, that'd probably feel like a stab in the heart :icon_sad: Maybe with you telling her how you feel will do her good and perhaps change her destructive behavior. Good luck and keep me updated :icon_wink
     
  5. coastgirl

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    Well thank you so much for your replies. Now I'm stuck. So we were texting back and forth all day off and on yesterday. Mostly her initiation. She brought up something super random in the morning. Then we were talking about making plans to do something this weekendish (her suggestion) but she didn't really confirm a day yet even after I threw a few suggestions out there. Then at night at like 9:30 she texted me again. I was over at a friend's dinner party and so it was really hard to try to respond to her and also not be rude to my friends. So I wasn't responding super quick, but I was still responding. Our convo went like this:

    Her: is ____ on tv in your home?

    Me: On theee tv? What's that channel called? Just ______?

    Her: I think so. If you find it we need to watch ______ and drink beer :slight_smile:

    Me: I can't find ittt :frowning2: but i can get the Internet feed on the tv so I mean yeah that should happen :slight_smile:

    Her: Oohhh there we go

    Me: And also, I just bought _______ today. It's on blu ray so I'm nerding out haha. We should watch

    Her: Yeaa I wanna see it

    Me: Let's doo eet!! Surf then watch ________

    Her: oOo don't tempt me with a good time

    Me: Haha I dare you

    Her: Hahh We might just have to

    Me: Well then it's on. Saturday. Do it.

    [I'm just blanking out the specifics of what we were watching because I don't want this to get found on google or something weird. Its a sporting event though, don't get any strange ideas hahah]



    I was just trying to quit it with these hypothetical "we should do ____" situations that I get in with her because nobody sets a day to make it happen. So I threw Saturday out there. That was last night at like 10:30. I still haven't heard back and it's like 11am the next day. Now what do I say? Do I say anything? Did I mess it up?

    Was she flirting? It seemed like it to me since it was a bit different from her normal texting behavior. I was flirting with HER with the "I dare you" comment, and also trying to make it happen. It's really getting to be a mindf*** with her. :bang::bang::bang:

    I don't have any regrets though...I mean, I'm proud of myself for trying to get her to make a plan instead of the usual "oh yeah well lets do it" and not going further than that. I felt like she was trying to get me to invite her over, so I did. I threw saturday out there. I don't know if she had plans but if she does I mean she can tell me and we'll pick a different day. I don't get it.
     
  6. TwoMethod

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    Hmmm. I kind of have differing views to everyone else, though I am not really experienced in this stuff (besides five-year-long crushes XD).

    My first view is that it doesn't seem like she is interested in you right now at all. I don't think she is interested in any kind of steady relationship at the moment — definitely not if she's in a self-destructive phase. So that's that.

    But then my second view is that she seems to be easy, for lack of a better word. (Well I can think of several better words but they're not really appropriate!) So I think if you would be satisfied with a one-night or ongoing fling with her without much emotional attachement, it's there for the taking. Maybe down the line it could develop into something else, but don't count on it.

    When I was reading the earlier parts my first reaction was "oh they should have a few beers together and just get it on", and then I read your last post! Maybe she is interested in you after all? Or maybe just sexually? It does seem like she was flirting, unless you are both actively interested in whatever sporting event was on.
     
  7. silverhalo

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    I think she might be flirting, why dont you text her this morning and ask if she is still up for watching it, and if she is say something like 'well you better come over quick because otherwise ill have to watch without you'! or something like that.
     
  8. Pinstripe

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    Boy, does this sound familiar. I was in a similar situation recently, and based on my experience, I think you should tell her. Yes, it does sound like she was flirting in that text conversation, but even if she's not interested, I think telling her would make you feel better. When I told the girl I had feelings for, she did reject me at first. In retrospect it was more of a "give me some time to figure things out," but it definitely felt like rejection. And it hurt. A lot. But it was also a huge relief to let her know, and I can honestly say I felt better afterwards than I did leading up to that, agonizing about whether or not to tell her.

    Based on the way this girl is acting, it does sound like she's going through something self destructive, if this is not her normal behavior. Because of that, I think it's likely that she might not give you a definite answer right away. But I do think that putting the ball in her court is pretty much the only way you can get rid of that "stuck" feeling. When I told the girl I liked, she admitted that she had suspected that I did, but was waiting for me to say something. I think this is common- a lot of people won't confront someone if they suspect that person likes them, they'll wait for that person to make the first move. Be direct, but as Ianthe suggests, don't lay it all on the line right away.

    Good luck and keep us posted! >.<
     
  9. coastgirl

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    Thanks again for reading and responding. It at least helps me to talk about it.

    I texted her last night and asked her what she was up to this weekend. She was kind of like i don't know, what are you doing. So I just said we should hang out. Apparently a mutual friend of ours is coming to town and she's going to come down with her (she lives an hour north of me). The weather is funky so I hope they still come.

    But how can you act kind of flirty like that, and then not respond, then the next day completely act like nothing has happened. It just doesn't make any sense to me. It messes with me because then I feel like I'm bugging her or running after her if I keep pushing it. I made it easy for her to say yes and go through with it, so I don't get it. She's not the type of person who would play with me just to mess with me, but she is so freaking hot and cold and mixed signals galore.

    Logically I feel like I should forget it and move on, but I'm stuck in emotional quicksand right now. Can't just "will" myself out of it at this point.

    Probably the best way to go is to just ask her if she'd ever want to go on a date with me. I think there would be less potential fallout with our mutual friends, which is another thing that's keeping me from doing it.
     
  10. silverhalo

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    I think you just need to pluck up a minutes bravery and ask her, afterwards even if she says no you will feel better and you can move on knowing the answer. I think if you try and move on without asking her, there will always be a nagging doubt at the back of your mind.
     
  11. coastgirl

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    You're right.

    Hung out with her yesterday, but in a group. I'll do everything I can to psych myself up to DO something and tell her, and then when I get around her I turn into stone and lose all my resolve :frowning2:
     
  12. silverhalo

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    What about sending her a message or email, or chatting online? Or telling her that you want to talk to her about something so that she then cues you in at the right time?
     
  13. coastgirl

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    I thought about sending her a message or text, but I think in the long run doing it in person would reduce awkward after effects. But it might have to come to that.
     
  14. Pinstripe

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    I did this too, and it was exhausting- getting myself all psyched up only to chicken out over and over. Maybe text her letting her know you have something you want to talk about? That way, you can do it in person, but it'll be harder to back out of. And sometimes hitting send is just easier than bringing something up.
     
  15. coastgirl

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    yeah. it's like, I love being around her. and when I'm around her the thought of losing her is hard to swallow.

    damn this is hard. But I just know I'm going to hate myself if I don't take action in some way...

    It's a good idea on mentioning I have something to talk about. That's the method I used to come out to my first person ever haha.
     
  16. silverhalo

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  17. lilyoflife

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    ^ once again trust the cute teddy bear for advice, theres a reason that its smiling