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I wanna be with him, but does he want to make it work? (IF we end up dating)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by don29002, Jun 7, 2012.

  1. don29002

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    There's this guy I like, and his name's Rob. My cousin's girlfriend saw that I was alone and was depressed--a guy had just sent me nasty FB inboxes that sent me in a downward spiral--so she told me about her coworker.
    That coworker was Rob.
    She described him as a "sweetheart" and said "He's been hurt like you have" etc. so I wanted to execute the plan to try and see him.
    That was in March.
    I haven't actually met him in person--he claims that he "literally works all day, then comes home and goes to sleep", which is what he told me. Yet my cousin's girlfriend would constantly tell me the week after me and Rob talk "We should hang out on ____" and when I tell her I'm not free (this has happened many times) she would reply with "Oh Rob wanted to see you", and that would be it.

    My cousin's girlfriend also told me Rob's bi like me. That's one factor to it.... but I don't really know too much about him either. I used to talk to him on Facebook--maybe once every 2 weeks, but not anymore--and when we talked, it wouldn't be any deep conversations like philosophy or sexuality. Just short things.. we like the same TV shows, but that's it.
    I've sent him things saying "hi :slight_smile: " and he won't reply now.
    So I just gave up.
    I don't normally do it--if this was 2 years ago, I would've almost been looking constantly to see if he replies to me, but I'm NOT like that anymore--but in this case I had to. If he doesn't even wanna speak to me, then that's it.

    I still talk to my cousin's girlfriend--we're very close friends, and my cousin and I will always have a close bond--but when things pertain to Rob, I start to believe that maybe he just doesn't want me, or is just too focused on work to be with anyone or have a leisure activity.

    He works at a McDonald's 40 minutes from my house, by the way.....

    So does he even wanna remain friends? I like him, but if he doesn't want me--it shows--I feel like I should give up NOW before he hurts me, like other guys have in my past.
     
  2. Ianthe

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    Is Rob an adult? You are 15, if Rob is an adult, he probably doesn't think it would be appropriate to start a relationship with you. Is that possibly the reason?
     
  3. don29002

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    Well yes... he's 19. Maybe that was it anyway.
     
  4. Chip

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    4 years is a pretty big difference at 15 so he may be choosing the wise choice here.

    But there's another important thing to think about: Happiness doesn't come from having a relationship, no matter what you believe. Happiness can only be truly present when you love and respect yourself. And you can only really be open to someone else (at a deep, emotional level) when you are open and loving and accepting about yourself.

    Now that's easier said than done, but one of the things you can do is focus on friendships... not no relationships. Good friends that are JUST friends are really key to self-acceptance and self-love. So I'd encourage you to focus your energy on cultivating and developing friendships and self-acceptance first... and as you feel more confident and comfortable with yourself, I think you'll find #1 that you don't have as much need for a relationship, but #2, that you will find it easier to attract healthy people for a relationship.
     
  5. don29002

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    I'm actually perfectly happy with myself. I've been through other people here where I am who've treated me wrong while I wasn't on here, and they helped me grow as a person, just by their improper and immoral actions; I even almost dated a sex addict, but once he told me he is one, I had to draw the line... plus he told me he's moving to Virginia this month (he told me in March) so that was another blow to my face.

    I'm fine with being myself. Nothing can punch me now, only make me stand taller than where I am. I have friends here who I thought were my friends, but when you talk about deep emotional truthful subjects--sexuality, philosophy, music, etc.--with them, they turn on me.
    So, I have very few close friends as of now. Don't judge me by my stupid track record of 2011, that part of me is completely gone. Matt: he's nobody to me. I even saw him in the halls a few times, and he laughed at me in my face, so I kept on walking, but I was angry that I didn't fight him for it--I HATE disrespect and bullies, and he does or is both.
     
  6. Chip

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    No offense, Don... but *nobody* "gets rid of" those sorts of issues in a year. Those sorts of things are long term issues that require a lot of time and thought and effort.

    What you can do is numb yourself down and pretend those things don't exist and aren't a problem... but that's as bad or worse than the problems themselves.

    When we shy away from vulnerability to avoid being hurt, we are pulling ourselves away from connection, and, essentially, making it impossible to deeply relate to others. That's a common thing for people to do, so you're far from alone. But it's terribly, terribly unhealthy.

    Likewise, the language you use, both in the most recent post and in the first one, belie a lot of hurt and anger... which are also not signs of someone who is "perfectly fine and happy with himself."

    I'm not saying those things to be hurtful... only to say... owning our imperfections is one of the hardest things we can do, but it's also absolutely crucial to being able to truly love ourselves... which, in turn, is crucial to being able to allow others to love us, and for us to love them.

    Think about it, maybe watch Brene Brown's 3 TED talks, and see if maybe you can relate to what I'm saying here. I think it would be really helpful for you.
     
  7. don29002

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    Chip I am a very fucked up person. No one's perfect. Of course you may hate me, but so be it. You have a reason to and that's fine with me.

    However, I am happier with myself and more than I ever have been. I live with my mom now--my dad died 2 years ago, and he was super abusive to me, plus my mom dated another abuser for 9 months, and he almost took my life 4 times (and there were times when I wondered why he didn't do it) and now he's serving 15 years behind bars.

    So now I'm trying to become the person I was before my moms boyfriend started living with us. It's harder because I have some of my mom's bf's problems in me also. I became slightly paranoid after he left--since there was one night I was home alone, but I was so afraid he'd come barging in and literally kill me (which didn't happen and I'm grateful)--and that's when I realized how bad paranoia can be.

    Sorry to be kind of--I don't know, depressing--but I summed up 2 years of my life.
     
  8. don29002

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    And yeah I do curse but it is a part of me.
     
  9. Jakelingard

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    just read that theres alot there but tbh i dont think four years is that of a long time if anything does come out of it then you could just think of it as a 25 and a 29 year old
     
  10. don29002

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    Jakelingard True but I've never met him, never hung out with him at all. He always claims he works and goes to sleep every day, so I don't think he really has any time for a serious relationship with anyone.
     
  11. Ianthe

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    I am now mystified. Why do you think Chip hates you? He could just ignore you, but instead he is trying to give you good advice and help you.

    Also, I don't think the "language" Chip was referring to was necessarily the cursing so much. He means that you reveal how you feel about yourself in other ways in your posts. In cases where it is curse words he's referring to, it isn't because they are curse words, it's because of how they are used. In fact, I think it's things like you saying he hates you, and then implying that you deserve it, that he is talking about.

    But anyway, he is definitely right about friendships. Close friendships can make your life much richer and more meaningful, and very much improve your sense of self-worth.

    It sounds like you have been through a lot of very traumatic things in the last couple years, so I think it would be expected for you still to be recovering from it. That kind of recovery can take a lot of work, but you are worth the effort. You deserve to have meaningful and authentic connections to other people.

    It also sounds like you are experiencing some PTSD from all the abuse. (That's what it was when you were irrationally afraid of your mom's ex coming over and killing you.) It can be a lot of work to deal with that too, but, truly, you are worth it, you deserve a life without that fear and stress.

    Have you had any therapy at all to address the abuse? I think it would be very beneficial to you, and you are worthy of investing time and money and effort to take care of yourself.
     
  12. Chip

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    See... this is exactly what I'm talking about. I *never* said or implied I hate you, or dislike you, or anything else. In fact, it's because I do care about you that I'm encouraging you to spend time working on yourself because you are worth it! :slight_smile:

    As far as being fucked up... most everyone of us who are gay or bisexual have issues, incorrect perceptions about ourselves or others, and the like. We're all fucked up in some way or another. As a comedian friend of mine who works mostly with recovering addicts says, we're all "perfectly broken", meaning that's who we are, so, while we work to change and better ourselves, we can also learn to love ourselves.

    So acknowledging those issues is a great step... and as Ianthe has said, it seems clear that you've likely got some PTSD issues going on as a result of the abuse. Therapy would really benefit you in helping you to process those experiences you've been through. No matter how hard you try, this isn't something you can do yourself; you need someone who can look at the situations without the filtration of your experiences to give you better perspective on it.

    Finally, there's one other piece that I think is really relevant here: I think your mom has some very serious issues as well. At the very least, some self-esteem issues, and possibly quite a bit more. What I base that on is the extremely abusive men she has dated or been married to; people who are healthy don't tolerate that sort of abusive behavior from a spouse or boyfriend.

    It's good that you're talking about this stuff here. While EC isn't a substitute for a therapist, simply communicating about the issues that contribute to the shame, which, in turn, contributes to the esteem problems, will make a HUGE difference in helping you feel better about yourself and what you've been through. I hope you'll continue to talk about these things, and in particular, to be open to the challenges that I and others present to you, because it's in those challenges -- to explore yourself, to look at yourself differently, to challenge beliefs you hold about yourself -- that the seeds of change will be found.
     
  13. don29002

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    True. I did have some issues after he left. We went to Florida last April too. Me and him and my mom couldn't be in one car, so I flew to Jacksonville--to visit my aunt and uncle for the week--and my mom and her ex drove. (We used to until my grandma died. Now I fly or sometimes I stay here in New Jersey for the summer)

    I got there at 12 noon with my cousin, and my mom hadn't even left.
    There was a note on my armoire from the State given to me about my moms ex--that he wasn't supposed to see--and he saw it, and took it with him, in his pocket. (Which I found out later)

    So, my moms ex did not directly drive to Florida. He wanted my mom to see his many family members. First there was Cleveland; then they drove to South Carolina. When they were in SC, my aunt called my mom's cell. My cousin wanted to--personally--meet my moms ex and that was what the call was for.
    My aunt asked her where they were, and when they would make it to Jax...
    My mom says "I'll try to by the end of the week."
    Those words crushed me. To me, they meant that I was a doormat, like I was indirectly in a foster care.
    The State almost told my aunt to move me to Jacksonville--since my mom was involved with him still (they'd been dating since October of '10)--but I insisted not to.
    However, I told our prosecutor I was going for good; when I got back to NJ, she was FURIOUS at me. I thought she'd hit me.
    But she didn't.... instead we focused on my moms ex. Him and my cousin eventually DID meet, at a motel 15 minutes from my aunt's house.
    When they saw each other, they immediately started yelling in each other's faces.
    My mom (after 30 minutes) tried to break it up, but they ignored her. Where she stood was blank; there was no railing. If she took one step back, she could've died and they would've still fought....

    This is all true. I wasn't there at all when it happened. I couldn't be there.
    But this is stuff you couldn't make up. This was my April 2011... in one post. But there's more. I didn't feel like putting it all in one post.

    About the PTSD, I don't think I had that. I used to think I had seasonal depression--depression during a certain season of the year; I used to go through it the worst during the winter.

    And also yes, I did have art therapy for a year and a half, and we ended in February. It was a long process. I even met a guy I like, but I only talk to him every now and then.
    And I also had one on one sessions 10 minutes from my apartment, but we went broke and couldn't afford them anymore; that, with my mom's BMW needing repairs, stopped any outside help.

    Sorry this is so long. I'm even writing a book, its my autobio. All this is in there too.

    <3
    Also, thanks you guys. I used to think all of you were ganging up on me--the old me, the 30,000 posts me--and I understood why and still do. But I hate feeling cornered, and it happens to me even now, from people I still deal with.