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Oh... lovely

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ruby Dragon, Jun 7, 2012.

  1. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    When I came out to my gay friend (as a lesbian) his response was, "You know this could just be a phase, right?" Since he was the first person I came out to as bisexual, he probably thinks this is just a phase of being more into women now than men. He's been gay for many, many years (is in his forties) and has a pretty good gaydar. Now he's got me all paranoid again. I explained to him about myself always being different and being attached to my female friends in a different way, and have always just felt that something is missing in my (heretosexual) relationships. This explanation was done in an email message, and he said he'll type out a reply a bit later because at the end of the message I asked if he also went through these "stages" before he knew for certain

    I know I shouldn't be bothered by what others think or feel or say and should go with what feels natural to me but I'm paranoid all over again now :icon_sad:
     
  2. Ianthe

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    Give him a link to your Bisexual to Lesbian thread.

    I believe you are a lesbian. Complete certainty is not possible on these matters.

    However, there is nothing that leads me to believe that you were ever attracted to men. Your description of your relationships with men is that they were unsatisfying. You didn't really enjoy sex with them. You did not connect with them emotionally.

    Even if you find later that you must revise back to a bisexual identity, it will not be a disaster. Go with your best understanding for right now.

    I don't know why your friend is dismissing you with the "it could just be a phase" thing. Even if it is--so what?

    (It isn't though.)
     
  3. Deaf Not Blind

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    kinda like what happened to me over my acceptance of being hard of hearing.

    Deaf with a D is to be proud of your deafness, not ashamed of it, to be opposite of thinking of yourself as a broken less-than normal hearing person, and they will not accept pity. I am Deaf, but as for my hearing ability, I can hear nearly everyone, with few exceptions, and only some words I can't hear sometimes from everyone...so most people would assume I am still hearing. :slight_smile:

    My doctors, audiologist, ENT, and the professionals at my deaf university, the only one in the world and founded in the 1800's, all say I am legally deaf because i have went below the line.

    BUT...one day in a vocational rehab office, I was telling the woman about a friend who was born stone deaf and how he was told by high school councilor he could not become a teacher or go to college because he was essentially stupid because he was deaf. She somehow had the idea from how my audi wrote I do not need any treatment for my hearing at this time + my ability to talk good that I am a liar maybe?? She thought i gues the story was about ME and leaned back, looked at me with almost anger and loudly said "YOU'RE NOT DEAF!" then i was speechless.
    i finally said i was talking about someone else.
    but what happened internally...I felt like she was removing my right to claim Deaf as my own, that she was saying I must remain hearing.
    I had moved from saying borderline hoh to happily hoh, and now I was confused again...am I faking??

    NO! Damn her! I began to think out all the missed words, and embarrassing things i said including in a dead quiet classroom, because I AM DEAF!
    And SHE had no right to say that.
    she said other audist things too, and as of yesterday, after discussing this with other Deafies, i told the pro-deaf VR man about this whole thing, he apologized and told me the superior to contact. see my schooling can be partially paid for by this program, which i qualify for, and nobody has a right to make me feel ashamed of my Deafhood.

    Girl, nobody has a right to make you confused and requestion yourself either...not even an expert.

    ---------- Post added 7th Jun 2012 at 11:47 PM ----------

    i don't think EC wants us to give out thread info.
    but she can just retype what she wrote here...and if she wants to show others like a therapist.
    but i think it is nobodies business but hers.
    if you say today you are straight, then that is what we should accept today.
    see, it is your mind and soul, not mine...and i can't read your heart you can only tell me what is in it.
    if you are now lesbian, or you THINK you are...just exist as one.
     
  4. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for this. Very uplifting, makes me feel a little less paranoid, lol. I guess I'm just much too worried about what other people think and how others perceive me. I should stop thinking that way and just... be :slight_smile:

    You're very right for saying damn her. Nobody has a right to judge you, or tell you different when you know the facts. And I fully agree, hard of hearing / deaf people are no less human than others. My dad is also hard of hearing and has to wear hearing aids. And that doesn't make him any different than the next person.

    Quote myself, "I'll come out with my head (and middle finger) held high"

    Now, if only I can actually live by that statement. LOL
     
  5. Ianthe

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    Huh? I'm pretty sure we are allowed to refer friends to Empty Closets, including specific threads if we think they would be helpful.

    We are not supposed to put personal info into public spaces on EC. Telling others about EC is fine... right? I mean, threads are public anyway. Empty Closets isn't some kind of secret. It's not telling people in real life how to find Empty Closets that isn't allowed, it's putting information up on public parts of Empty Closets that would enable people to find you in real life. We tell people to send their friends who need help to EC all the time.
     
  6. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    I think what he meant was that it could threaten (or remove) my anonymity. Since my friend (obviously) knows me IRL, he will then also know my online name and it could jeopardize the whole thing completely, which might be against TOS. But I could just copy what I typed and mention that I put it on a LGBT discussion and support forum - that won't necessarily contravene TOS
     
  7. Ianthe

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    Here's my understanding of the rules:

    It would only be a violation if your friend came on here and posted your personal information in the public forum. People who know you in real life are allowed to know your username, as long as it's okay with you.

    The rules are in place to protect members from Internet predators. Part of the Member Code of Conduct requires that we not reveal anyone's personal information on the public forum. Other members having your personal information isn't prohibited, as long as they got it privately, and not on the forum or from your wall or something.

    There is nothing in the Code of Conduct about not telling real life friends your username. You can't tell anyone your username and password, because you are not allowed to let other people post on your account. But them knowing who you are on Empty Closets is allowed. Whether or not that's desirable is up to you.

    It does not threaten security for someone who already knows you in real life to know your username. The rules are designed to keep people from Empty Closets from finding you in real life, not to keep people from real life from finding you on Empty Closets.

    However, I am not familiar with any TOS, only the Code of Conduct. Could you link to the TOS? Because I can't find it.
     
  8. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Lol, I was referring to Code of Conduct. But called it TOS by accident because many sites call their Code of Conduct TOS. Sorry for the confusion :icon_redf

    Anyway, what you said makes perfect sense. I'm sure it won't go against any rules if I were to show him my threads. Thank you :slight_smile:
     
  9. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    My gay friend replied to my email message with this:

    "Darling, I'm going to give you about a week or so before I reply in full, to give you time to go through what you simply HAVE TO go through. This is YOUR time, to find yourself and figure things out for yourself. Remember, I'm not too far from you, so you're welcome to speak to me, anytime"

    I think it was quite sweet of him to give me some space, though it's frustrating since I need his guidance and advice right now. Maybe he knows something I don't?

    But I'll use the time wisely, as subtly suggested by him, to figure things out for myself.

    On another note...

    Last night I was playing pool with three female friends and there were a couple of not too bad-looking men around. Yet I didn't feel attracted to them. I wasn't dressed girly at all (had a rugby supporter's jersey on) and my female friends were all dollied up. They were getting hit on and I just enjoyed the pool and a cigarette and drink every now and then. It didn't bother me in the least that I didn't get hit on, and for some odd reason I wanted someone to hold - a lady. OK, maybe not odd.

    One of my friends wanted to know my secret, she could tell I had something to tell them. But somehow I just couldn't bring myself to say it. I just couldn't come out to them. I don't know how it'll affect our friendship and that scares me. I know one of them is a little homophobic so I will have to approach the matter with extreme caution.

    The friend who was pressuring me to spill my secret wanted me to text her my secret once I got home but I just couldn't, 'cause I knew she was still with the others and feared she might share it with them. What would you do in my situation? Tell, don't tell?

    This friend lives very far away and will be going home tomorrow, I can always tell her then?
     
  10. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Smart or not the beans have just been spilled...:icon_wink

    The friend texted me now wanting to know my secret and I just went right ahead and told her! Without even batting an eyelid. This really gets easier with practice... :lol:
     
  11. pinklov3ly

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    Yes, it eventually does get easier coming out to people, after telling one person than two etc...The anxiety tends to fade away. I'm sorry about what your friend initially said, but it now appears that he's being understanding and supportive. Coming out isn't always easy because I'm still not out to my father, but I'm working up the courage to do so and soon. I'm happy for you :slight_smile:
     
  12. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    I think he thought it was just a phase. But after I explained things carefully, I put it more in perspective for him and he could see that it's more than a phase. But I'm still puzzled as to why he'd want to give me some time/space to "find" myself?

    I did it in a letter to my parents; an email to my gay friend and text messages to my other friends. I wonder if I'll ever have the nerve to do it face-to-face? :lol:
     
  13. Ianthe

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    Someday, you won't even think about it. It will just incorporate itself into regular conversation.
     
  14. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    I dream of that day, it would certainly be bliss! :lol:
     
  15. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    I've been thinking about this a lot...

    The most recent friend I came out to said something very interesting after I told her. She said, "I kinda knew all along, since the day we first met. I have many other lesbian friends so can easily spot one"

    Her gaydar must be awesome. Either that, or I wasn't being quite as discreet as I thought I was... But it made me wonder, if she was able to tell so easily - gaydar or not - what makes me so sure that others can't tell either?! After I started coming out I'm a little less discreet and started acting more natural, but prior to all of this ... I wonder how many other people know but are afraid of saying anything and are waiting for me to come out on my own, at my own pace and in my own time? :icon_mrgr