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he wants me to forgive him...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by terpsenior11, Jun 9, 2012.

  1. terpsenior11

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    so back in my coming out phase, i became friends with this guy and we experimented a bit. but shortly there after, he flipped out and went psycho on me. then for a year he sent me hate mail. it really hurt me and set me back a bit in my process. flash forward to present day, he has tried contacting me again. this time around he is apologizing for what he did. he goes on to give me this sob story about how he was really confused about his sexuality, became depressed and suicidal, was hospitalized and is finally okay with himself and trying to make his life better. but then he keeps asking me to forgive him. and i've been ducking giving him an answer. i mean if everything he said is true i feel bad for him and hope that he really is doing better. but when it comes to forgiving him... i just don't know if i can. what he did to me was really hurtful and set me back a lot. and if i forgive him i feel like that condones what he did to me to the point that it's like it didn't happen or doesn't matter. am i just being petty? should i forgive him and move on? or should i tell him that i can't forgive what he did? help?
     
  2. Tycho

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    I think you should tell him how his actions made you feel. Express some sympathy for his situation as it is unclear whether or not he is being 100% honest or just realized his behaviour was wrong and is making excuses.
    That way you are neither fully forgiving him or shunning him. Perhaps the conversation will then continue and you can then fully determine whether or not he deserves forgiveness.

    Holding a "grudge" regardless of severity isn't good but you're right in trying to avoid condoning his earlier actions. He won't learn unless you make him understand that he may have been hurting during that time but it is no excuse to divert the pain onto other people.
     
  3. fatalmoon91

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    i dunno if this is the right way to say this or not, but imo forgiveness is something that can't really be asked for its something that needs to be earned. a second chance however is more fitting of what he seems to want. im not saying do either but before you decide you should find a way to test the water. i don't believe ive ever denied someone a chance to show me a different side of them...however when they take advantage of that it can hurt a lot more so if you decide to go that route please be careful of how much of yourself you share with him.
     
  4. Deaf Not Blind

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    forgiveness is not really about them, it is about you. if you hold grudges they will start to fester, you may notice yourself building up a wall or thick skin to keep others out. it may seem like you are losing or being weak, but in reality the bigger man lets go of his right for anger and says ok whatever move on...forgives.
    now...just because you tell him you forgive him not mean you are all better never happened! you are not a sucker because you forgive, you do not forget...do not hold it against him, but do not place yourself back in that situation. if he wants it back like it was just say that it can't be, he's forgiven, have a peaceful happy life, and good bye.
    love, forgive, but don't go back in.
     
  5. Ianthe

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    Forgiveness is not the same as condoning what someone did. When you apologize to someone, that is admitting that what you did was wrong. Accepting someone's apology is not saying that what they did was acceptable; rather, you just stop holding it against them now that they have repented. (To repent is to change your behavior.)

    The past can't be undone. Holding anger against someone forever will not do you or him or anyone any good. If he has apologized, and the behavior is not going to be repeated, then there is no point in continuing to hold a grudge. What could you possibly gain from it?

    His apology is his acknowledgement that it was not okay and that it did matter. How does accepting his apology then mean that it didn't happen or it doesn't matter?

    I will say that what he is telling you is almost certainly true. It is not an unusual story for gay people. Even him freaking out on you is pretty common. I've read plenty of posts on here from people on both sides of that, and we definitely hear about suicidal depression all the time. And the people who freak out like that are definitely in the high risk group for the suicidal depression.

    So, I would assume that what he is telling you is the truth. He was afflicted with profound internalized homophobia, which ended up being turned on you, and which eventually led to depression and attempted suicide. Probably his guilt about what happened with you also contributed to the depression. All of this is unfortunately very common, the result of being gay in an unaccepting environment.

    I admit the hate mail is especially egregious, but I still think, in the end, he was acting out of his own profound emotional distress.

    And now, his guilt is sufficient that he is trying rather hard to make amends. I don't know what more he can do, really.

    If I hadn't seen the same exact thing so many times, maybe I would feel differently. But lots of people have really bad reactions when they first experiment. They are overwhelmed with self-hatred, and it gets taken out on the other person.

    I think you should accept his apology and just let him know that, while you don't harbor any hard feelings, you think it would be too difficult for you to renew your friendship or anything like that. Thank him for acknowledging that it was wrong and that her hurt you. If you can (genuinely), express compassion for what he's suffered. And then wish him well.

    He feels guilty. He is apologizing. What exactly do you think is his ulterior motive here? Everything he's telling you must be genuine, because there would be no point to an apology that wasn't genuine. It's not really like he's trying to reestablish the relationship or get you to loan him money or something. He is apologizing out of genuine remorse. If he were lying about anything he said, the forgiveness he's asking for would have no value. So everything he told you must be true.

    In my opinion, forgiveness can't be earned. If it were deserved, it would be unnecessary.
     
  6. Deaf Not Blind

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    ^ yep, she just added more words to it, but 100% yep
     
  7. Christopher

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    Hi Terps,

    Forgiving someone doesn't mean you believe their disputed actions to be right or proper. Forgiving someone their transgressions is simply saying that you know they have done wrong but you, in your heart and thoughts, forgive them. The hardest part though is to then go on and prove it by FORGETTING what they did to you.

    That's the hard part but it means the most and when you say to someone, I forgive you all of that lot there, you must mean it and not deceive yourself or the offender by just paying lip service to those words.

    Christians are called upon to forgive and believe me, it's not easy to do.

    I struggle regularly with that aspect of my faith but when I say it and MEAN it, my heart feel lighter, my mind feels clearer and that terrible inkling I harbour for something like 'revenge' to happen to my tormentor just disappears and I know in my heart that I have been the bigger person.

    I feel better knowing that and once I feel better I can begin helping the forgiven person to put our relationship back together. I may forever be mindful of what they did to me but I won't be bitter or twisted about it and that is good for my soul.

    Hope that helps you come to terms.

    Regards,


    CHRIS

    (!) here's a dancin' nana for you !!
     
  8. terpsenior11

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    These are some very wise words everyone. Thanks! I understand that what he is telling me is all to scarily common in the lgbt community. I feel bad and it explains a lot about what he did. But at the same time he has earned my mistrust from his previous actions. That is why I'm skeptical. But for now, I accept the story as true. I told him that I accept his apology and will forgive him when I feel that I am really can really mean it. And he says that he understands... but then keeps asking me.

    And the other thing is he keeps saying that he wants me back in his life. He keeps saying that I would be a really good influence for him. I thought that I had made peace with the situation. If I forgive him, then I feel that I truly have. But that doesn't mean I'm willing to accept him to be back in my life. I'd rather just go our separate ways. But I also understand that he is still going through his process and is looking for help. I don't want to deny him help and have him fall back into that dark place. It's not like I care for him but I work in mental health and would hate to see anyone in that position.

    Ugh such a sticky situation. Any more advise is welcome.
     
  9. Deaf Not Blind

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    yep, so like a previous poster I have gone to some good churches, and my pastor was raised atheist and so just states facts from experience.
    he was not your ave atheist, he was a bad guy, a criminal, and didn't give a s#it abt u, he was a user. so...he had really destroyed a lot of trust with peeps! :slight_smile:
    after "coming out" as Christian, haha, he decided like in AA steps, he needed to appologise to every person he had wronged and ask forgiveness, but some old peoples he had messed up...they would say, Yeeeah, sure you are "saved" uh huh" or they would say "ok, sure i forgive you, but i don't want contacted again"...stuff like that.
    at 1st he was hurt, but after all these years he gets it...they can legitimately forgive, but are not stupid, can't forget and don't want to put themselves in a place it can happen again. now he tells divorced men if it was really bad, if they become a better person, sure ask ex to forgive you, don't expect her to remarry u again or take up where it left off again...it is over.

    so for u, you do right when u do your part, you become a better person yourself by forgiveness...stronger character, and others will see you have grown more mature. :slight_smile:
    but he has not learned yet...he will...forgiveness does not entitle the person wronged to place themselves in the hands of the wrongdoer again.

    anyway i can help?
     
  10. Gravity

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    Quite frankly, what you said in your original post might make a good initial response to his asking for forgiveness (parts of it anyway, obviously the whole post wouldn't be necessary). It seems pretty clear that you empathize with him on at least a basic level, and can understand his position relative to his sexuality, but that you were hurt in a major way and forgiveness isn't necessarily something within immediate grasp at the moment. It's certainly not a failing - you can forgive or not as you find yourself ready. Just be honest with him, if a bit overly careful to choose your words sensitively.