Should I tell my son I know he's gay?

Right off the bat, I have to say you seem like an excellent mother. You are doing all the right things to protect your son and help him grow into a healthy human being. Good for you for being involved.

As for the question of telling him that you know, my vote is that you don't. Let him come to you. It's his coming out process and he will tell you when he is ready. Confronting him about it before he is ready might actually set him back developmentally. He's at that point in his life where he has to do certain things for himself.

Now for what you do in the meantime: just be patient. And I would saw keep monitoring. You're not playing spy games here; you are just watching out for him. If things go wrong when he is coming out to his friends, be ready to give your son a hug, show him that your love is unconditional, and let him know things get better. But until he comes out to you, just don't mention the fact that you know he is gay. And when the time comes that he tells you, be prepared to laugh and tell him that you're his mother, you already knew and have already accepted him.

Best of luck to you and your family.

 

God, your son is so lucky to have a mother like you.

I'm seventeen and have not yet come out to my parents. My reaction, and it is only mine, is that you should wait for him to come out to you. I would find it extremely uncomfortable if my parents asked me or told me that they found out some other way. There is a huge curve to turn in learning to talk about these issues with your parents. It's not simply the part of getting over telling them you are gay but also the part about talking about the consequences and being comfortable talking about the topic.

What you can do, however, is — without being too obvious — make it clear that you are in support of gay people and LGBT rights and that you and your husband have absolutely no problems or qualms with gay people.

If you are living in the U.S. (I'm not), it will be fairly easy to bring up things such as gay marriage at the dinner table, especially coming up to the November presidential election. If you're not in the U.S., there is normally something that hits mainstream news, and often U.S. news (such as Obama coming out in support of gay marriage) hits mainstream news in other countries. That way you can discuss the issue without making it seem weird.

Because there is such a process involved in deciding to talk to your parents about such an issue, it's important that you leave it run its course in my opinion. And when he does come out, it's important that you don't get caught up on "suspecting it" or "always/already knowing", because that may make him feel a bit silly for taking time to come out. You should focus on just being accepting and how it really makes no difference to you and that you will love and support him no matter what. It's obvious that you will anyway.

And with regards to grandchildren: I fully want to have my own biological children, and I suspect there are many gay people who feel the same way. I'm not sure how it will work with my partner yet, but I'm thinking along the lines of having a surrogate and we each get to have one or two of our own children. And adopting is always an option, so as you said, I wouldn't lose hope with that. And I don't think it is the most selfish thing either to think about, but I'm sure it's hit you that what your son is going through is a much, much bigger deal than your worry about grandchildren. But I wouldn't feel bad for thinking of it, either!

 

my opinion: he knew you see his pages right, you have access and he left it on so maybe secretly wanted caught.
or if not,he will be pissed.
yeah u r accepting, but i see some controlling here...you told his dad? so now he not only can't share with u in his way and time because you want to do it for him, he does not get to tell his own dad himself cuz you know best?
yeah, everybody has risk, so is he wants to come out to high school, he gets to on his terms in his timing...you don't get to control how those people react or overreact...he is not a toddler, he is nearly adult now.
let the boy be a man, ok mommma? you don't want to overprotect him and not give him wings, do you?

since nobody said...guess I'm the bad guy...it had to be said.

 

i think you should tell him you saw the fbook info. i mean, if he is gay, its coming to come out sooner or later to you so instead of giving him all the stress and worry about how to tell you, you can mention that you saw it but you want him to know he is loved and supported by both dad and mom.

i think you should also talk to him about some of the pros and cons of coming out right now given his age and the grade of school he is in. although some kids can be loving and accepting, others can be very harsh and mean and he should be prepared that he face challenges regarding this.

you may want to share with him that his sexuality is his personal business and that everyone doesn't need to know. doesn't mean he needs to live in hiding but maybe right now he can just pace himself.

maybe u can also ask him why he thinks he is gay. maybe he is bi, maybe more exploration is needed. i know that growing up, i reallllllly wished someone would have explained that sexuality can be fluid and that you can like both girls and guys at different points of your life. growing up i thought that if you liked a guy and you were a guy, you were instantly gay and it negated any attractions you may have had for the opposite sex. in my teen years and well into early young adulthood, i maintained those notions. i think if i would have known earlier on that it was nothing wrong with attractions to both, i would not have felt as "forced" into thinking i could only be gay because i may have had thoughts of guys. i think it would have helped me relax a bit about my sexuality, explore, and come up with a final answer based on experience that worked for me.

this does not mean you need to try and tell him he is potentially straight or bi. just means that i think a discussion about it could be good.

 

^^what twomethod said is very good and true too.

Putting the feelers out of that you and your husband are accepting of lgbt people will help him in deciding to talk to you. Just make sure you are not overly obvious in the fact that you know when bringing this stuff up.

Showing the fact that you are accepting will definitely help him if he is concerned about telling you. Personally, I have not and probably never will tell my own parents that I am bi just because I know that they are very unaccepting and unwilling to learn about lgbt people. They just tolerate my distant lesbian aunts. So I made peace with myself that I probably wont tell them. Do I wish I could tell them and have them accept me? SURE! That's why it is important for you to show that you are open and accepting. Again, just use tact.

 

So you know your son better than any of us do, but I can tell you that at that age, I would not have been happy if my mother approached me about my sexuality, even though I was happy that she knew and did tell her when I was around his age. It's a very personal issue, and your son is accepting himself young. He will come to you when he wants you to know, and he deserves that control.

But you know that he's choosing to come out at school. So you can keep an eye out for him, and maybe be extra attentive to how he's acting. If there comes a point when you feel you have to speak to him about it (maybe if you think other people are picking on him), then by all means confront him. But put it down to motherly intuition and not invasion of privacy.

 

This may be getting repetitive, but again your son is very lucky to have you!

Firstly I'd like to say, tell him! I'd love my parents to let me know that's it's okay and that there's nothing to worry about, it would take a huge huge weight off of my shoulders. He's probably really fearing the thought of coming out to you, so you telling him probably make him really happy. Like others have said, you could give subtle hints that it's okay, rather than telling him directly. You could say 'have you met and girls...or guys?' or just say 'if there's anything you want to tell me, I'm there for you' etc. something along those lines.

Again, I would absolutely love my mother to come to me about my sexuality rather than the other way around. It would actually change my life completely.

 

Hey I dont know if you will check back before you have the weekend at home alone with your son but my opinion would be not to say anything, just do everything in your power to make sure he knows that you are absolutely fine with it. Talk about or watch programs or films with LGBT themes, talk about current LGBT topics. You said you worked in adoption so I know you probably cant talk in depths about cases at work but maybe you could mention about how you delt with a gay couple adopting a child and how great you thought it was or something.
If it comes up you could always say something along the lines of, 'I wouldnt care if a child of mine was gay they would still be my child'.
I appreciate as a parent you want to protect your child but telling them that you know can shock and embarres them and make them deny it which can them mean it takes them longer to come out again.

 

You have received a lot of wonderful advice here from a lot of wonderful people. And there is nothing I can say that would compare to the advice they already gave you. However, this sentence you wrote made me consider something that isn't being discussed and could be very important. And that is, your son's mental health.

If your son is depressed and socially withdrawn, and he is still mostly in the closet... then I would do whatever it took to snap him out of this behavior. If it's telling him you know - then tell him, if it's taking him to LGBT meetings - then do it, If it's taking him to see a counselor - then do it. His mental health is very important, especially now with him being 15 yrs old, his hormones are out of control, and the things you think he wouldn't do - unfortunately if he's desperate enough, he might.

You are wonderful parents and I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

 

You should definitely tell him you know he's gay. When my Mom told me I felt SO much better because I was just itching to tell her but I'm WAY too awkward of a person to tell my Mom stuff that could be the slightest bit embarrassing. By asking me if was gay and telling me If I was that it would be OK I was relieved and then she told me she knew, and I felt safe.

 

Just my two pennies...

It's natural to be worried and to want to help, but don't overdo it. As a parent and a social worker you probably have a lot more experience, but don't try to do all of your son's thinking for him. It won't work. Believe me, he had thought about his coming out to friends longer and harder (and with better info) than you'll ever be able to. And you seem to agree with him that it's probably a good idea anyway.

As to whether or not to tell him you know... Well, there are powerful arguments both for and against it. On the balance, I'd probably wait right now. If his coming out to friends will go well he'd probably will come out to you anyway. If it doesn't you may need to step in.

 

agreed with this^

and WallyGirl, thanks for being understanding my reasoning. i know you come at it from mom's love side, but maybe moms need to remmy being a teen. you not a boy, but you can hopefully recall how you would feel if your dad and mom watched all you do, read your diary that u forgot to lock, then came to you straight up said: dearest, mommy read your diary you had on your bed, I couldn't help it as it was open, and I told your daddy all you said in it about wanting to have penetrative sex with that college boy, so i just want u to know i see you as a sexual being and want to protect u, so here is a book about different positions, and an appointment i made for us as a family to see my gynecologist and get you on the pill! etc, ad nausea..."



Ok, you may read this say, oh...my mom never would say that, and i never did that...but this could feel jus like that. I know u mean well...but you could shock him a lot. it is sweet you support and love and cherish your child, but momma let him be a young man! he can do it, and coming out in his way his time is one way to strengthen his own ability in life to make decisions.

I hope I do not hurt you. I just want you to see how I would maybe felt if it were me...and I hope what you ultimately do works out for the best for all of you. But even though guys think a bit differently from girls, please try hard to put yourself in his shoes fully...before you say something only a mom could.

Then when he does come out to you...patience he will...offer open arms, don't try to make all better, just please keep loving him always like you do today! thank you for being a good mom. <3

 

I don't think you can jump from 'not being mainstream' to 'serious depression that needs professional help NOW'. She mentioned that he was talking to people on facebook and planing to come out to friends, none of which smacks of denial or depression in any way, and the thing I highlighted is only going to scare her (and probably unnecessarily).

Anyhow, I wouldn't tell him, but I think there was some very good advice mentioned earlier about making a gay friendly environment. If you're watching shows like Modern Family together then you could off-hand mention you think the gay guys are good characters, if you're watching the news and they mention Obama supporting gay marriage you could mention that you think it's a good thing, or say the opposite if somebody says something anti-gay in the news. Maybe have a convocation with your husband in his hearing distance about supporting gay rights, or about some (fictional or otherwise) friend coming out and how you think it's a good thing. But I wouldn't tell him you know, if my Mum did that when I was 15 I would have been MORTIFIED by it.

 

Hi! Welcome to EC, just want to second this:

This is definetly a good way to talk about it openly and seeing his reaction. Maybe he'll come out to you as a result, but seriously hope it works out well for you. Not sure what to advice, as you said, both ways have their pros and cons but either way, just as long as he knows he's got a supportive mother-and friend- to talk to, its a win all round

 

I think maybe you should wait but encourage him from time to time with sentences like: "Is there anything you would like to tell me?", "I will always stand by you.", "I will always love you no matter what," or something like that As for the grandchildren, even if he wouldn't have children in the future, your other child/children will most probably have some, right?

Btw., you are a great mother!

---------- Post added 9th Jun 2012 at 09:03 PM ----------

I really like this idea! You should say something like this in front of your son, so he will feel safe and accepted

 

I am 15 also and came out to my parents a few weeks ago. I am lucky to have supportive parents, but you should know that coming out to parents is terrifying, even if parents are supportive and have gay friends, etc. Before I came out to my parents, my worst fear was that they would somehow find out before I was ready to tell them, and then confront me about it. Figuring out that you're gay/coming out to people can be really hard emotionally, even if your parents are supportive. For me, I waited almost 4 years to come out to my parents because I needed time with myself to work things out in my head. So, I would recommend not confronting your son about it. It's sort of hard to explain, but we want control over the situation; we want to be able to do it on our own terms, when we are ready to open up to our parents. Maybe you could give your son the opportunity to come out to you:

You could take a walk with him or somehow be alone with him, and then bring up something about gay people: i.e...gay rights in the news...or something like that . You could say, "I read a newspaper article about gay kids coming out in high school. Is anyone out at school?" That way, if he wants to discuss it with you, he has the opportunity to do so, but isn't forced to if he's not ready to.