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opinion please

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by confusedlady, Jun 9, 2012.

  1. confusedlady

    confusedlady Guest

    Please delete. Thanks
     
    #1 confusedlady, Jun 9, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 9, 2012
  2. TyRawr

    Board Member Full Member

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    First off let me say that I can understand everything that you are going through, and you are not alone. I, and many other, are here to help you through this.

    There's a few thing that I noticed that raised some flags with me. However, before I say anything, I'd like to say that I think you therapist is completely right with you being pregnant. Choose discomfort over resentment. If you have the option to do something that deals directly with your integrity, you should make sure that you, or your baby, dont resent yourself for it later.

    First thing was that noticed that you said you have a closer bond with women, and you dont see yourself with a man, however you also said that you tried pretending that you were a lesbian. Sexuality and sexual-preference are two very different things. Sexuality is something you are born into in-which you have no choice. Sexual preference is choosing to make a decision about sex, whether or not that decision fits into your sexuality regardless. For example, before i was willing to admit I was gay, I dated women, and I regularly had sex with my girlfriends. Does that make me any less gay? No. It just means that I had sex with women because I was trying to convince myself otherwise. Perhaps you should look at that within yourself?

    Secondly, I know that it hard for you, but I think that it is really important to really connect with your body, and with your trauma in your past. The thing that I see most in you is Shame. The feeling of not being enough, and "who do you think you are". Guilt and shame are also very different. Guilt is: I did something bad, where as shame is: I am bad. Sexual abuse, or any kind of abuse for that matter, messes with the mind in a way that most people dont understand. For some it is "I deserve this", for others its "why me? why am I like this?". Understand that no matter what is going on for you, that you are worthy of love and belonging. Shame is paralyzing, it is a warm wash of emotions, that are so intense they cause us to loose grasp of ourselves. Our natural tendency is to "numb" these intense feelings, for some that is a banananut muffin, or a couple of beers, but perhaps for a lesbian with abuse history who is deeply disconnected from herself it is being with men? The thing that we know about shame is that it is universal, everyone feels it, and people who dont talk about it have more, and people that do talk about it have less. Vulnerability is really the only weapon we have against shame. Shame has this way of convincing us that there is something about ourselves, that if other people know it, we will not be worthy of love and belonging. We must act with courage, and make ourselves vulnerable. Talk with people (like your therapist) about the things that make you shameful, and put yourself out on the line for others. That is going to be the best thing you can do to feel more connected with yourself and ultimately others.

    Lastly, I saw that you said you needed to be with a woman to be happy. Thats what worries me the most. You shouldnt have to be with anyone to be happy. Love comes for loving yourself first. If you are not able to love who you are, and all of your imperfections, then you will not truly be able to love the people around you. You must have something to give before you give it away. That is also because of shame. This is the most powerful ability a person can possess. If you are able to love yourself, no matter what, the all of the issues with "not belonging" will melt away (your sexuality, your past, your dependence on others, ect). Maybe a question for yourself and maybe even your therapist is: How can I love myself more?

    Sending you warm thoughts and love,