How long did it take you to find someone to spend the rest of your life with?

Guys that are femme are like that because they just are. They were always like that. At nine years old they liked to play with dolls and play dress-up with feather boas. This is true even for the guys who are only more moderately feminine--whatever degree of femininity they have, it was always a part of them. It's not a way of displaying their sexuality to people.

Of course, when guys come out, they stop suppressing behaviors that make them "seem gay." And sometimes, they'll exaggerate their behavior, as a way of validating both their femininity and their sexuality. But the underlying femininity was always there.

It's true that many people look at the femme guys and see nothing about them but their gender expression, which they (wrongly) interpret as being identical with their sexuality. This is not the fault of gay femme men. It is the result of the prejudices of the people looking at them.

We are all multifaceted people. None of us like having all the other aspects of our identity and character dismissed because all someone can see when they look at us is our sexuality. This is as true for feminine men as it is for everyone else. Unfortunately, they are subjected to that kind of thing more often than most of us. They don't like it either that people define their entire being by their sexuality, and that it's the first thing people think when they walk in the room. But they put up with it, rather than suppressing who they are.

(In some cases, they are completely unable to suppress who they are--it shows whatever they do.)


If you are not feminine, you should not want to be. You should want to be you. But don't suppose that guys who are femme are doing anything other than being themselves. At least respect their strength in being who they are, even under duress. They take a lot of crap in life.

It's fine that you prefer more masculine guys. A lot of, or even most people have preferences about gender expression in their partners. It's nicer, though, to state your preferences in terms of what you like, rather than what you don't like. And obviously, if someone you aren't interested in hits on you, don't treat them like dirt or as if it should have been obvious that you wouldn't be interested in them. Take it as the compliment it is, and be respectful. (Unfortunately, I have reason to think these kinds of instructions are necessary, so I hope you won't be offended.)

The gay scene seems flooded with femme guys because people compare it in their minds to the straight world. Also, at clubs and Pride and whatnot, people are displaying their gayness on purpose--I mean, it's kind of the point. So, many guys exaggerate any feminine qualities they have in those situations. Really, there is a very wide variety of gender expression among gay people.

If you are out in the community, I don't think it's any harder for gay people to meet someone than it is for straight people. Which is still not easy, I admit.

 

it took me 12 years to have the guts.

 

That should be published somewhere! It was beautiful and true!!
Are you a writer,if you don't mind me asking?

 

An eternity. It has never occurred.

 

My Dad introduced us to each other in '63. We married 28 months later. A ton is different than it was then but we're still together.

 

Haven't found her yet and I'm kinda losing hope. x_x

 

When I went to college they had a LGBT support group. The group provided all kinds of information, like where to meet people, help in coming out, dealing with homophobic people, where the gay bars were, and how to be safe going there, campus security, etc. I made some good friendships with guys looking for the same thing the girls were, a same sex relationship. I met the love of my life there. While some other people were just interested in hooking up with someone, she & I were both looking for something more. We would've gotten married if it would've been legal, and if her tuition wasn't dependent on the army. We were together for the rest of her life.