Hello all, I am a new member to the EC community. I am feeling lost/confused/like i'm drowning/lots of emotions and would gladly appreciate words of wisdom, personal experiences, whatever. Okay, so what's going on... For the past 7 years (yes a long time) I have been questioning my sexuality. I have heard that you "just know," but in my case I don't "just know." Or maybe I do, but because of my extremely indecisive nature I doubt everything that comes up in my thoughts. Literally everything. I would say that my questioning began shortly after graduating high school. I had just had my heart broken by my first love (a man) and somewhere along the way I started to question. I had never really thought about it before, that I can remember. I did experiment with my girl friends...nothing beyond kissing, but I never felt anything when I made out with other girls. I had always dated and been sexually active with men, while maintaining friendships with other girls. Anyway, long story short, It has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions these past seven years. I have continued dating men, but most of those relationships ended for different reasons (meanwhile having all these thoughts about my sexuality in my head). I was raised in an extremely loving family who have always taught me to accept all people. I have had friendships with gay men and women (although I do not have any close friendships with gay men or women now), and respect and value them as human beings. I do not know why this idea of me as a lesbian scares the shit out of me. Seriously. I have told people close to me, such as immediate family, close cousins, close friends about these thoughts. They have all been loving and accepting, but it seems as though the only person who is having a hard time accepting it is me. I do not know why I have these thoughts, but I cannot accept it. I have been in counseling for almost 5 years now to help me sort through my thoughts. I know that human sexuality is fluid. That we don't always fall into one part of the spectrum, that we can change....it's fluid. Just the other day I was sitting with my psychologist and she said to me something along the lines of "look just experiment with a woman...it is probable that you would really enjoy it." She then asked me how I was feeling after she said this...I became tearful and shaky. I honestly don't know what makes me so afraid. If this is something that would make me happy...then why can't I just accept it? I have beautiful people around me that would love and accept me the way I am. What is it?! Today my brother asked me what made me think that I am a lesbian? I responded...my thoughts. Sometimes I feel as though I could sexually be with a woman. I have had dreams where I am sexually with a woman. I get uncomfortable in one-on-one settings with women. When I see a beautiful woman I ask myself "am I feeling attracted to her or am I just recognizing a beautiful woman?" It probably seems as though I am going around in circles...much like my thoughts. Anyway, Thank you for reading this. Any "words of wisdom" you have or ANYTHING would greatly be appreciated. Today has been a rough day.
Hi there, and welcome to the site. Not much to offer in terms of advice, but thanks for sharing your story so far. I'm one of the ones who "just knew," but I admit it took some prodding for me to get there - I didn't really pick up on it until I started dating my first bf (and there's a story there, to be sure). Just a question though - have you ever really given yourself permission to act on your attractions to women? Like, have you spent a day playing the role of "gay Perdida," following those thoughts, having those fantasies? I'm not even suggesting actually experimenting, just let your thoughts go where they like. Then again, I'm sure it's not like you haven't been trying - I certainly feel for you. Hope you stick around and find the site helpful! (*hug*)
... Hmm, although your close friends and family are supportive, they're obviously not the only important people in your life. Colleagues, bosses, not-so-close friends... I was very afraid of disruption of these kinds of social relationships, and only started to really question my sexuality when they all got disrupted anway or an unrelated reason. So, if that's what bothers you, my advice would be to try and just not think "what if someone I know, but am not out to, sees me kissing a girl?" type of things. Whatever happens, it's their problem. Easier said than done, especially nowadays, but seriously, no job, or useful nodding acquaintance, or whatever is worth a lifetime of self-doubt.
Thank you both for your responses. I know that each person's story is different, and I appreciate your points of view. Gravity in response to your question about if i've ever given myself permission to feel the attractions....yes...but usually my thoughts and emotions associated with those feelings get in the way and well it's a spiral. I'd like to say that it's not a reputation thing, although I do tend to care A LOT about what people think. I hope that's not it. I think I just always pictured myself with a man....I don't know if that's bc of society, the way I was raised, whatever...I just had this "idea." I don't know...but you're absolutely right WierdnessMagnet...it's better to possibly lose a few friendships than to go on doubting yourself. We shall see....just have to continue the soul-searching . Thanks again for your comments!
