This is probably going to be a combination of a venting thread/advice, so I apologize in advance if it's difficult to follow. Anyway, as you can see under my username, I'm not out at all (which probably isn't going to change for a long time). But it seems like it's been more and more difficult to hide it lately because of the lack of relationships I have been in with girls. My parents have no clue that I'm bisexual (though, starting to re-think that I am bi), and they keep asking me/hinting when I'm going to bring a girl home. When they ask, I have to think up an excuse quickly like: ''With school and working, I don't want one right now'', or ''I don't want to deal with that at the moment.'' After I tell them that, they usually drop it. Then, in random conversations, kids always come up and my Mom hints at how badly she wants to be a Grandmother, then says ''Oh, Mike, wait until you get married and have kids!'' It just adds that much pressure. It's also not helping matters that both of my brothers are male whores have had dozens of girlfriends and I just ... don't really mention them at all. My oldest brother has already been married before as well. I mean, I am almost certain many people think to themselves how my brothers have had so many girls, yet their little brother hasn't been in one relationship. They're always asking me when I'm going to get a girlfriend, and even playfully mess with me and call me a ''fag'' when I say I have no interest right now. Even though I know that they both are as oblivious as my parents, I still feel awkward as hell when they ask me, and say that stuff. I feel even more weird when they start talking about how they want to bang random females (regular or celebrities), and I have to kinda play along. My brothers and parents aren't the only ones asking me about my personal life, though. I'm going to be visiting my grandparents and other family late this summer in Buffalo, and I know for a fact that they will be asking if I have a girlfriend. They constantly ask me and my two older brothers our relationship statuses and it's going to be no different when I visit (probably worse). I don't really want to lie to them, but I do not want to come out to them, either. So, I guess what I'm asking is how should I handle my parents and brothers when they constantly bring up girls and relationships to me? Have any of you guys experienced this, and how did you handle it? I know that I am not going to be able to hide this forever -- they're going to catch on at some point. But I think what's saving me for now is that everyone knows that I am an extremely private person and don't discuss relationships much. Thanks!
Well, I would say that you are out to YOURSELF. Which is often the hardest thing to do! First step is taken. I would argue that living in a lie with so much pressure does not really leave you with a lot of options, but then again I do not fully understand the ramifications this would have for you. Despite everything, would your family be accepting in the end? Would there be drastic consequences if you came out, at least to your parents? I know that by drastic you can think "My mother and father will be terrible upset", but as it happens, this sometimes cannot be avoided. When I came out to my family, my mother was quite devastated, specially with the "No Grandchildren" scenario looming in the future. My dad said it was the worst thing I could have done to him (implying that is something I had a choice in, which I didn't). However, even in the most heart wrenching moment of my coming out, both of them (my father later on) left it quite clear that they would still love me no matter what. Were they shocked? Yes. Did my relationship change with them? Yes, but time eventually showed me that it changed for the better. Honesty goes a long way. What I'm trying to tell you with this is that you cannot expect to come out and everything to be well and dandy. It might be, but that's not usually the case. What you must really consider when making the decision to come out to your parents and family is if it will actually damage the way you live, as in your parents doing something drastic and the ramifications it will have for your future. I would encourage you to find the right moment and place and come out to your immediate family if you feel you can. Living with a secret while being in the spotlight of expectation can be a sad, lone experience. Perhaps you shouldn't outright tell them "Dad, Mom, I'm bisexual/gay". You could easy it into them by sitting them down and telling them that you are having doubts about your sexuality. You have not yet made up your mind about anything, but you are not labeling yourself straight (or anything else for that matter) just yet. It might be easier for them, for you, and it will probably make it easier for them to cope when you finally understand where you stand with your sexuality.
Yeah, good point. I usually can really read my parents extremely well. But for this particular instance, I really don't know. I suspect my Mom would be more accepting than my Dad, but I'm just not completely sure. I'm also pretty hesitant to come out right away because my Mom is a huge gossiper. She can't keep a secret to save her life. And with me being a private person as I already mentioned, it concerns me. I guess you could say I have kind of been distancing myself from her the last couple years. My Dad and I, on the other hand, are a little closer. Him and I have a different bond than he does with my other two brothers. We watch sports together, talk a little more, etc. But I know for sure that his perception of me would change drastically, and that scares me. I won't waste more of my brain cells thinking about what my brothers would think because I already know they wouldn't accept it whatsoever, and their image of me would change massively. In general, I don't want/like my image to change to other people, especially my family.
I'm really sorry Mike, but in all likelihood, it will. It may change for the better in time, or for the worse, but change is almost inevitable. Being gay does not define you, we all know that, but unfortunately this society we live in does like to place more emphasis on the importance of a person's sexual orientation, when, in reality, its just another piece of the puzzle and doesn't make the whole picture. Trust me, I didn't want to tell my parents either, but in the end it was either that or living a life of deception. I chose truth over lies. A life of lies requires effort and quickly drains your spirit. In the end, I faced two hard decisions, but I chose the one that would not lead to self-destruction. I am not telling you to make a rash decision. If you do not entirely trust your mother to keep the secret, you could start with your dad and take it from there. One step at a time Mike, you'll be surprised how far you can get. Vi veri veniversum vivus vici.
I know my image is going to change -- that's inevitable. I'm just not ready for that to happen. Thanks for your advice!
