Hey all. Been wanting to write this for quite a while, well, it’s part of my life, how I’ve gone about discovering myself, and experiencing moments that I think I’d rather have not. Starting in grade 10, my 3rd year in high school, there was a new boy in some of my classes, Trevor; I didn’t like him much, he was talkative for a newbie, and hyper, would often have his shirt un-tucked by the end of the day. One day, busy doing drawing by my desk, he comes along, introduces himself, and surprisingly leaves a good mark on me, from there onwards, I guess we grew on to become “classmates”. By mid-year, he had dropped out of those few classes we had together, but continued to see him every now and then during lunch breaks, but not afterschool because I had hockey practise. After some time, he re-joined one of my classes again, but we seldom spoke. I guess during that time, I got closer to one of my other friends, Kyle, he was a rugby/cricket player, handsome and quite shy at that time. Guess we kinda got too close at times, but neither of us knew what was going on, we hanged out together afterschool and during breaks, I even joined cricket to just be with him more, after cricket practises, wed walk together, holding hands, side by side, sometimes he’d lay his head on my shoulder and all that. Around me alone, he’d be a completely different person, all gay, and soft, but around everyone else he’d just be my best bud. Sometimes he’d change around me fully naked and not mind, if we were completely alone in the change rooms. We were inseparable, sadly, after about two months, he changed, he started hanging out with some dudes, and totally looked at me with a blind eye… I heard nothing from him during that summer break after that… Grade 11 started, put all that happened in the previous year away, Trevor started talking to me again, waffling on and on, and about how much he’d missed me, I did too, miss him… I tended to focus more on my academics and sport that year, but as much as I tried to, I had issues, I struggled to come to terms of what happened with Kyle, how I’d developed feelings for him, I’d never dreamed of being with a guy, I’d always wanted to be single, or at least, have a wife and kids, never a man to love. It all didn’t make sense. Nonetheless, the more Trevor and I hanged out again together, the more I forgot about Kyle, but again, I was falling for a guy, this time more than ever, Trevor made me see the unseen, was always there when I wanted someone, but my falling for him was like falling into an ocean of the unknown, was he gay, was he straight, I didn’t know. By the end of that year, I was sure I was in love with him, we’d do things guys didn’t do together, we’d takes walks during free lessons, talking about our lives and dreams, trying to drop hints to each other, cry, laugh together, intertwine bodies. And that went on till grade 12, we saw more of each other, spent nearly all our days around each other, our classmates even thought we were dating, and I wished we did, he was thee one person I’d ever want to be with, ever! But after a while, he started hanging out with this girl in tenth grade, we hanged/talked less, eventually our last year in school was drawing to an end, and he told me, that he’ll never lose connection with me. The year ended, I started with university, he went his way, we kept in contact, but about 5 months down the line we were totally none existent to each other, deleted each other of all social networks, and never ever spoke again. After that, I don’t think I’ll ever want to connect with a guy, but thinking of that only makes me feel lonely and angry at myself for being gay, what could I ever do? :icon_sad:
hi after reading this i wana ask u a few things. is ur friend dating a girl right now? can you somehow find out whether he is gay or straight? does he know that u are gay? i m asking all dis as a similar thing happened with me. 5 yrs back i was dating my friend a girl and i had no idea about myself. i loved her but really was not too sexually attracted to her. later we broke up due to some reason. at dat time i met this guy in my class who was very irritating and studious at first. but some time later we became friends and we grew closer and closer. untill last year i was fine but wen we went on a trip together he was so caring and such a good friend dat i fell in love with him. after that we were inseparable. i dropped hints many times abt my feelings. he too did sometimes but never said clearly. i was too scared to directly tell him and he never said anything so i had to let him go. i will always regret not telling him. may b ur friend is confused abt u too. anyway feel free to message me. i know this is not much of an advice. but we are all der for you on EC
Its really messy when we fall in love with someone who doesnt love us back isnt it? I know exactly how that feels, and there are many other people who do also, so dont feel alone. The best thing you can do is let yourself feel the way you do. Just as long as you dont blame yourself for anything. Dont curse your sexuality for falling in love, thats ridiculous. The things that seem challenging in your life dont have half the strength and potential as you do, and giving them energy will only make them continue. Change will only happen when the discomfort of how things are becomes greater than the discomfort of changing, and it sounds like you are close. Let yourself be human, fall in love every chance you get, and remember to be imperfect! What you think are imperfections in yourself are gifts. They are unique qualities that make us different, and beautiful. Dont be to hard on yourself for wanting have love and belonging. The secret to love and belonging is that the people that only truly experience it, in its purest form, believe that they are worthy of love and belonging. What gets in the way is the feeling of "I am not enough" (good enough, straight enough, thin enough, smart enough, ect) and "who do you think you are?" (I know nobody will accept you as gay, you didnt love your mom enough before she died, Kyle and Trevor never loved you and you know why). That feeling is shame, and it is deadly to our self-worth. Vulnerability, however, is essential to being "wholehearted". Where shame is the birth place of emptiness, lack of self-worth, anger, depression, loneliness, ect; vulnerability is the birthplace of love, passion, joy, creativity, dreams, and more. Strength does not come from being shut down, and free from emotions either, that only causes resentment and bitterness. Rather, it is being vulnerable that creates strength; being the first to say I love you, applying for a job you dont know you will get, having sex, or anything else where you make a decision where the outcome is unclear. So I leave you with this, my love and support, and the hope that you will have true strength, vulnerability, and love for yourself. Best of wishes,
Hey, thanks. No, he isn't dating anyone right now, as far as I know. I think he does know, but he's somewhat holding back... I think he is too, but I don't know, at times I just get the vibe that he is, strongly, but then at other times, its the opposite. I miss him really badly, just wish I knew, or at least, had the courage, to have a moment to talk to him about this freely, without a dose of nervousness, or thinking ahead... ---------- Post added 10th Jun 2012 at 09:06 PM ---------- Thanks for the wise word TyRwar
may be he feels the same too. are u both so close dat he can keep ur secret?? even if he dsnt it doesnot matter. time is a great healer my friend. it kind of lessens the pain somehow
