Lesbian daughter plans to come out

Hi, welcome to Empty Closets!

Thank you for loving and accepting your daughter for her true self. You are a wonderful mother, and she is lucky to have you.

Your daughter has most likely been thinking about this for a very long time. Probably, she has an idea about who will accept her at school and who will not.

Do you know if she plans on coming out to particular friends, or if she is going to make a general announcement, or what? Probably, if she is coming out to friends, it is because she has reason to believe they will accept her.

Regarding what is happening at school, just observe your daughter in case she is particularly unhappy. You will probably be able to tell, if you are paying attention.

Young people today are mostly very accepting. Her friends will probably not abandon her. Almost certainly, they will not ALL abandon her.

When we are in the closet, we live in shame. By keeping part of ourselves secret, we accept the idea that there is something wrong with us. Also, we feel constantly like our relationships are all superficial, because we are not relating to people as who we really are. Hiding our true selves reinforces the idea that no one could love us for our true selves. Some people might be nicer to your daughter if she remains closeted, but her interactions with them will not seem meaningful to her, because the person they are being nice to is not who she really is.

If she comes out, she will know that the people who are still her friends are true friends who love her for who she is. And when she comes out, her own actions and words reinforce the idea that she has nothing to be ashamed of--and her own actions and words are more powerful over her sense of self-worth than what other people might do to her.

If she is very severely bullied, it might be a problem. Or if all of her friends really do abandon her, but as I said, I don't think that's likely. And if all her friends abandon her, you will presumably know, since they will stop interacting with her.

Since you say your daughter is shy, I imagine she is coming out to her close group of friends. She probably has an idea of their views about gay people. It takes a lot of courage to come out--there is a lot of fear around it--so we almost always test the waters to see how people are likely to respond.

But really the most important thing for you to do is to create a supportive environment in your home. You are right not to confront her before she is ready, but it would be a good idea to start making sure she knows you are generally accepting of gay people--especially if she has any reason to think otherwise. So, if you can tell her you support marriage equality, or discuss gay people in a positive way, that will help. She is very sensitive to anything that you say about the subject. Also, express your unconditional love for her.

Things that happen at school will not matter nearly as much if she feels loved and supported at home.

You also might want to look at this other thread, which has suggestions for another parent: Should I tell my son I know he's gay?

Also, you may want to look at Stages of Grief, which discusses the process we and our families go through in accepting our sexuality, and Coming Out, which discusses the coming out process that your daughter is going through.

 

Hey welcome to EC, I echo the fact that you sound like an awesome Mum and your daughter is very lucky.

Can I ask how you found out your daughter was gay? And also how you found out she is planning to come out?

I think its great that you are not trying to confront her on the matter. In the mean time if any opportunities arise to show support to LGBT topics I would make every effort to do so, as her awareness of anything you do or say towards LGBT things will most probably heightened at the moment.

 

seems like if she's got it all figured out, knows who to come out to, has it all planned and discussed already with somebody, you are worrying because you are mom and want to protect your baby.

she's 15, in high school, and some girls have kids by that age! so she is not telling you, yet, because it is not 1st on her to do list...and she manages to do a lot of things on her own quite well i bet. she may be shy only cuz she's been hiding stuff too, from herself and everyone.

so it is good you love her, but let her do it all herself. moms want to to things for their kids, but that keeps them helpless...she sounds ready to do things, lets her try.

you fear a lot of bad...and yeah bad stuff can happen...but fear should not stop you from doing the right thing. if she comes home crying, bet you will know why. but betcha her list includes names who will not make her cry.

i think your brother is nuts. he made you believe gay is easy and lesbian hard? Don't buy any used cars from him. i don't think its as bad as you think.

 

I don't have any advice to give that someone else hasn't already said, but I just want to throw out that you're a great mom for being understanding and caring

 

Since your daughter is certain enough in her sexuality to want to come out to people, it's unlikely that she will feel differently in the future. But if she does, identifying as a lesbian, and coming out as one now, will not stop her from having relationships with men in the future if it's ever something she wants.

You should know, though, that it really isn't necessary to have any kind of sexual experience to know who you have feelings for and who you don't. In the usual course of things, we know who we want to be with long, long before actually going to bed with them.

I remember one of the earliest times I had the strong feeling that I was different somehow--I must have been eight or nine years old, and all the girls in my class were going crazy over the New Kids On the Block. They would get so excited, giggling and blushing, screaming even, and I couldn't comprehend what the big deal was. I wasn't a "late bloomer" either--I was early entering puberty among my peers. I just couldn't understand why anyone would get so excited over them--they were just boys. I even kind of thought that my peers were making it all up, or that they were exaggerating.

What I remember most about it is a sense of alienation--that they were all sharing this overwhelming, exciting experience that I was on the outside of.

Straight people take these sorts of things so for granted that they often don't come even close to realizing the ways that their sexual orientation expresses itself all the time in their everyday lives. But if you reflect on it, I'm sure you will realize that you had feelings for boys long before you ever kissed one. You didn't have to kiss them, and you certainly didn't have to have intercourse with them, to know that you liked them. Liking them came first.

I think that this point is very important, because many young LGBT people are convinced by people telling them that they can't be sure what their feelings are until they have "proven" them somehow through "experience"--through having sex with people. They become convinced that one discovers whom one is attracted to by having sex. So, they go have sex with people that they are not even attracted to, in an effort to confirm their sexual orientation (or sometimes in an effort to make themselves straight)--but since sex with an individual you are not attracted to is likely to be unpleasant even if they are of the gender you like, the "experience" does not provide clarity. Instead, they are often even more confused, they regret their experiences, and it contributes to a higher rate of STDs and teen parenthood among LGBT youth. (In my opinion, it is likely that this is the main cause of higher rates of parenthood among LGBT teens.)

In truth, your daughter has plenty of experience. She experiences her feelings. Her feelings are real, and they are really happening to her.

We all experience feelings of attraction in more or less the same way. There are certain people who simply draw our attention--when they are in the room, it is hard to think of other things. Even the thought of their existence fills us with happiness, and with a longing to be nearer to them. We so long for any contact with them that we become absurdly preoccupied over whether to allow our hands to touch theirs as we hand them a pencil. We think they are beautiful even if they are plain by any common standards, and we fantasize about doing fairly ordinary things in their company.

If all of the people your daughter feels this way about are female, that is enough for her to know that she is a lesbian.

 

Welcome to EC!! You're a great mom for wanting to support your daughter and for coming here. Thanks for doing that. There aren't enough parents like you. (*hug*)

I would agree with what you and the others have said, that it's best to wait until your daughter tells you instead of asking her if she is gay. Ianthe said it beautifully. Telling your daughter you support LGBT people in subtle ways could help her realize you will support her no matter what. You could tell her you support gay rights or talk about something gay-related without hinting that she is gay. Like you've said, allow your daughter to come out on her own terms so she'll have control in her own coming out process. Being gay is something we can't control. The only thing LGBT people do (want to) control is when and how we come out. It's great that you want to support her in every way possible.

I understand that you are concerned about your daughter's possible plans to come out at school. But all you can do is love her for who she is. It's a scary thought that she could go through troubles because of her sexuality. If your daughter is ready to come out to her friends, she will do so and hopefully her friends will be accepting. She has to do it in her own time and way. It would be great if you could prevent any hurt your daughter will go through. Unfortunately, you can't control how others will react. You can only support your daughter through everything. I doubt there will be a terrible reaction from her friends but if there is.. love her without telling her you know of her sexuality.

My mom was in a similar circumstance as you when I was in high school. She found out I was gay before I was ready to tell her. She waited and never asked if I was gay. I eventually told her. She accepted and loved me. I appreciate that she waited.

After I came out to her, she said that she loves/accepts me but was scared and sad because I would deal with hardships. I wanted to put on myspace (wow, myspace lol) that I was gay or bisexual because everyone pretty much knew anyway. My mom told me I shouldn't do that because others would judge me. I again wanted to come out twice to my roommates in college. But my mom said I shouldn't until I know them very well. Although my mom is very supportive and loving, she scared me when she said I shouldn't come out. She put her fears onto me which made me more hesitant. She worried me by saying that others are not going to accept me.

Do you have a counselor or have you heard of PFLAG? It might be helpful for you if you could talk to a confidential person about this because you, as her parent, do have fears and concerns. My mom talked to a support group and a counselor about her concerns. She said talking to a counselor helped a lot.

I agree with Ianthe that your daughter can know her sexuality without having any sexual experiences. Many people know at a very young age that they are attracted to the same sex.