Coming out to brothers...

Well first off, don't force yourself out just so you can date. Pushing yourself is good, but don't do anything you're uncomfortable with. As I say a lot around here, I'm a believer in the idea that you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else anyway. You probably know all this though; it's just the word "force" stuck out to me

I don't know the reasoning why your relationship with your brothers is the way it is, but I'm in the same situation where I (feel like I) can't sit my family down or mention it casually. Seeing as I don't have any solid advice or an answer to give, I'll just kind of share what I'm thinking.

The first person I came out to I came out to by letter, and everyone else I've told in person. I've taken some comments about the fact that I had to do it by letter (admittedly joking, but still), and since then that's been my only real regret in this whole process. Logically, in every sense of the word it makes sense for me to come out to my family by letter, but I'm afraid not that they won't accept me, but that I'll live the rest of my life regretting doing it that way. I know at the end of the day it isn't a big deal, but since I've spent so much time and effort on myself throughout this whole coming out process trying to do it "right", I don't want to mess up right at the end, you know?

For those reasons, I think I'm going to have to wait until I get more comfortable and make myself tell them in person. In my considerations though, I did decide that if I told them by letter (or e-mail or whatever), that I'd leave a line at the end telling them that I'm open to talking about it (even if I'm not) and that they should call me once they read it. That way it kind of gets the awkward stage of "dropping the bomb" out of the way and you can hopefully just move forward into the conversation where you make sure everyone's okay with it (and then theoretically never bring it up again if you don't want to). Maybe something like that would work for you?

 

Okay, well you shouldn't force yourself to do something just for the sake of relationships. You should come out because you want to be out and open.

Next, you should tell your sister first, obviously. If you think she'll be fine with it, then it's easiest to tell her first, that way you have some support. You can talk to her about the best way to tell your brothers, since she knows them personally as well.

There will certainly be times when you can find one of your brothers alone, and corner him. You can even employ the help of your sister. From there you just have to tell him, "I have something I want to talk to you about, it's a personal thing... and it's important. Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Once you say the words, "I'm gay." Then I'm pretty sure he'll make more than a minute, because if he doesn't already know or at least suspect, it's going to be slightly shocking. He might also have questions, such as, "How long have you known?" "Have you told anyone else?" Etc.

If necessary, and if you think you need or want it, you can have your sister there for support.

I've only told my mother so far, and still need to tell my dad and sister. Like you, I know my sister will be totally fine with it. The only problem is that I can't trust my sister to keep her mouth shut. :lol: So, this means I have to tell my dad first so he doesn't find out second hand.

 

I too need to tell my brother about me. My mom knows she asked him hypothetically what he would say if I was gay and she told me that he said he wouldn't care. That, while somewhat comforting, still makes it hard to tell him. I really just want to go into his room and tell him but im just terrified. Im afraid he might tell my dad and my dad would tell my stepmom and those are the 2 people i really don't want finding out.

 

Since your sister isn't your concern I will focus on the brothers. It all depends on what you want. I think it would be awkward for you to sit down with both at once and tell them. If you feel comfortable with that then that is a quick way of going about it! You seem to want some form of acknowledgment when you tell them... The thing is if you write a letter/letters, then it will at least give them time to get used to what they've just learned. In a way, that can be better.

Would you rather tell them personally than have your mom or your sister (who I assume will know first) tell them?

 

It might be helpful if you explained why it is so difficult for you to tell them. That is to say, more difficult than it would be to tell your parents or your sister.

However, if you feel more comfortable getting your mother to tell them, then there is nothing wrong with that. My mother offered to tell my father for me, but I told her not too. I wanted to be the one to tell him myself, though I always know that option is open to me.

 

I see nothing wrong with her telling them for you. But at the same time, if you tell them personally, I think it will be better for YOU afterward. It may be awkward but you will be more at peace if you do it yourself. It seems you have answered your own question. The only sensible option left is to either not tell them or tell them individually, in person. In that case, I think it is best to make it somewhat brief. You don't owe them a long explanation. But don't let much time pass between telling one and the next. Do it within the same day. But you probably already knew that.

 

I'll tell them for you ha jk! Here is a better idea. This is a big step. So break it up in to small ones. First, tell your sister. Then when you feel it is okay to discuss with her, let her know that you really want to tell your brothers but you are concerned about it. Talk to her about it, and I bet she will either be willing to sit in and help/be there for you are at least she can be supportive and encourage you. If I was you, I'd tell her first. Then eventually I would ask her to just be with me as I told one brother at a time. I think just having someone there, at least silently supporting you will a) encourage/comfort you but b) encourage your brothers to be more accepting as well because they see your sister supporting you. I don't know if that makes sense but I think that on some level, seeing your mom and sister be there for you will encourage them to come around as well.

I really like this idea... Let me know what you think.

 

Actually, I think I understand completely. I have a sister. Personality wise she's as different from me as night is to day. Granted, we're both older than you so our relationship has had a chance to transform and grow over time. I wouldn't describe us as particularly close, though I do love her very much and will (and have) bent over backward for her in the past.

But we've never been really close enough to talk about deep and personal things. We just never had that type of relationship. However, I still want to come out to her because... well... being gay isn't really something I want to or can hide forever.

For me, I'm actually hoping that my coming out to my sister will bring us closer together. I want a stronger and deeper relationship with my sister, because when our parents are eventually gone I want us to be able to rely on each other the same way we rely on / lean on our parents to be there for us.

In short, I think you should try to work on your relationship with your brothers. In the process of doing that you can come out to them. I have no idea how much older or younger your brothers are compared to you, but if they're older than you I'd imagine they'd like having a closer relationship. If they're younger it may be more difficult in some ways but not impossible.

Otherwise, you can just have your mother do it, you'll have to write a letter, or you'll just have to suck it up and tell them in person. It's not like you have to make it elaborate or anything. Say, one of your brothers is in his room and you're both home alone. Knock on his door and then enter. Have a conversation that goes along these lines:

You: "Hey, before I go off to college, I just wanted to talk to you for a minute."
Him: "Huh? About what?"
You: "I just wanted to let you know that I was gay before I left."
Him: "....huh? What?"
You: "What? Did I stutter? I said I was gay."

:lol:

Okay, maybe you don't have to be that blunt about it, but there is no reason the conversation couldn't go like the above. Since you're out to your mother, why don't you talk to her about it? She might have some ideas.

 

Hey pal, at least you have a cool sister to tell. Coming out to girls is so much easier. I feel like I am pretty much wating for my parents to tell my brothers. I am not sure if I want that necessarily but I am not comfortable telling them. At the very least the issue will be forced sometime later this year so I am kind of just ignoring it now.