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Well, first off, welcome to EC! Let it be known you can talk about pretty much anything you want here, and not only will nobody judge you for it, almost everyone can relate in some way and can offer advice. You've found a good place to come to

A couple questions (if you don't mind sharing): How old is your son? Where are you from/is it an accepting area?

And now something about you... why are you worried/what are you worried about? I only ask because it helps sometimes to just let your feelings out, you know? The more you can share with us, the less that's on your chest and the more we can hopefully help quell some of your fears

I'm sure it's natural for parents to want the best for your children, but rest assured that he isn't doomed to a terrible life or anything like that. LGBT people can live just as (if not happier) lives than their straight counterparts. A lot of it does depend on the environment you're in, but the other half has to do with his attitude and support. If he takes up the ideal that what other people say won't bother him, a lot of people will lose interest in trying to bully him (or things like that).

Just because some people are cruel doesn't mean everyone is. Your son is lucky to be growing up in a time where more and more people are becoming accepting of LGBT people and issues. Of course, he'll still probably face some adversaries, but it's nothing compared to the way things were years ago, or the way things are portrayed frequently on the media. All in all, most LGBT people live relatively normal lives, just like most straight people do.

I'll help out some more (and others will chime in too, I'm sure) once I hear some more stuff from you, so I know what to talk about. But I just wanted to let you know that you're being awesome by being supportive of him. Coming out is a terrifying experience, particularly to someone as important as your mom... so just keep reassuring your son that you love and support him. That's what he needs now more than anything else.

 

sorry to hear you're sad about this. finding out your child is gay can be hard because the life you want for them will not be as you envisioned. yes, there are well adjusted functioning gays out there with families. and yes, there are people that get caught into the self loathing vicious gay cycle that ends up in acting out sexually, drugs, addiction, etc. but that's with straights too. i am not sure how old your son is, but here are some things you can do:

1. ask him why he think's he is gay. if he is really young, maybe he has an attraction to both girls and guys and thinks that if he has an attraction to guys he is automatically gay. kids can get confused.

2. why doesn't he want dad to know. sooner or later dad will need to know too. is dad supportive or is dad going to blow a fuse?

3. couseling and support: dont try and send him to straight camp, but he shoudl have a network of people he can talk too. this is a good resource but i think face to face is better. see if you can get him a counselor or teen gay support group (that's positive and about something) as a resource, but again, this is a lot to be doing behind dad's back. i think dad needs to know but i would work with your son directly on trying to help him see why dad needs to know because if you out him to dad without the kids permission, the kid may never trust you again.

4. the accepting community you want to run to needs to be created in your home first. if dad is not on board, you need to get him aboard because likely the gayness is not going to go away. again, the counseling support and local lbgt teen groups may be good. kids need a safe place to feel like its ok to be them.

5. yes, san fran sounds great but lets be real, the world isn't embracing gay people with open arms. so yes, he can eventually build his life around a gay community or gay bubble but i think it best to teach him how to survive in a world that may or may not accept him. give him the survival techniques now so that he can do well later. this woudl be the same thing if your son was of a discriminated race, disabled, deformed, etc. a person with anything seen as 'different or inferior" to the mainstream needs survival techniques so they can come out on top. so your son being gay (albeit challenging) is no different than someone else with something seen as "potentially different". he has to understand that the world may not accept him but there are people that will but also people that may want to do harm or say hurtful things. prepare him as best you can.

6. sex education: kids have sex (straight or gay). gay sex is taboo. being gay is still taboo in many places. yes, kudos to GLEE and the "its get better campaign" but when you're in the toture and kids are talking about you like a dog, those messages can seem very distant and hard to hear. so sometimes kids feel sooooo low about theirselves, they turn to anyone and anything that will make them feel good. its kinda like the girl that didn't have a dad in the house and has no positive male image in her life and she longs for that and boys are giving her attention sexually. she feels like maybe she can get the love from them but only ends up getting used by other guys for sexual gratification and gets dumped. looking for love in all the wrong places. sometimes the gay youth turn to this. they feel noone else loves them, everyone is against them, so they bond with other gay kids and sexually experiment and "gay" starts to equal "sex". and so they go from person to person having sex because this is what "gay" means to them. nooone else likes them and in that moment they can feel good.. hence the perceived sexualized gay culture. he needs sex education, preventive measures, and to be taught that him being gay doesnt = sex. sure he is a human so he is going to want to have sex but his sexuality doesn't define him or that he has to be some sex proned person.

on to the good news.....
this is not the 1980s, in major cities, gays are out and feel more comfortable breaking the taboos. you see guys holding hands, kissing, gay communities, restaurants, etc. aagain, this is in major metrop areas. however, if you're in the bible belt or a small town, it may feel like the 1880s in this regard. the best you can do is expose him to other places, (maybe a college in a larger more accepting area) where he can flourish. imagine if you were white and you adopted an asian baby and everyone in your town was white. wouldn't you feel some responsibility to expose the asian child/young adult to things and people that were also asian so they woudl have a better since of who they were. same with the gay kids. expose them to positive gay things and people so they can get a sense they are not alone and have a better sense of theirselves. but you need dad's support too.

coming out: he may be tempted to post on fbook he's gay and all of this sort of thing. i think kids are so young and they have so much living to do that they do not need to go whole hog on "coming out" until they have the tools and resources necessary to deal with it. maybe encourage his to take a moderate stance on coming out until he is emothionally ready for all that comes with it. for now, he needs to just focus on coming out to himself and close friends, but as you know, news travels,,,,,

 

First, I want to say welcome to EC and let you know that you're being awesome for reaching out for support. This is one of the most critical things you can do.

You are likely going through a lot right now with your own feelings. You need to work through your feelings before you can be of a great help to your son.

I'm in the same boat as BudderMC. Until we know more about your situation, it's hard to give specific advice.

However, I have a few questions as well. Based on what you know about his Stepdad, do you think he'll be supportive? What led you to suspect that your son was gay since he was very young? How are you feeling personally? I don't mean about your fears for your son, but your own personal emotions regarding his sexuality?

Most parents go through the stages of grief when they find out. Some may start with denial ("How can he know for certain at his age?!"), others may attempt to bargain ("He just hasn't met the right girl yet."), some may experience depression and sadness ("I'm never going to get grandchildren now."), etc. All of these are completely normal feelings and reactions, and it's important to give yourself a chance to work through them so that you can find the point of acceptance. Of course, if you've always known that he was gay you might have already worked through all those steps.

You will find that this community is welcoming and supportive. Go ahead and tell your story, other parents have come here seeking help and support just like you. You aren't alone. Your son, also, isn't alone. He has you, and he has a huge supportive community waiting for him in the world. So do you.

So, talk. Just start writing with, "I first suspected my son was gay when..." and don't stop writing until you've gotten everything out. Your fears, your concerns, your feelings. That in and of itself will help you, because it will help order the thoughts in your mind, and help you make a clearer decision on how to proceed.

It will also give us more information that we can use to help you.

 

Welcome to EC. Its natural for you to feel sad, but dont worry, EC will help you however we can. If you have any concerns or questions feel free to ask as many as you like.

The fact that you have come here to seek advice means that you are a great Mum and your son is very lucky, these things alone im sure mean that he will do just fine.

 

PFLAG. Search for your local chapter, and you should be able to find the resources you need. Other straight parents are there to help you get to understand your son more and share their experiences. They'll act as a support network for you so you can support your son.

On a personal note, two things you should keep in mind concerning your son:
1) Don't try and make him straight
2) Don't try and make him into a stereotypical gay guy if that is not who he is

Number one should be obvious. Number two is there, but I couldn't figure out how to rephrase it. A better way of saying that is don't try and turn him into someone he's not. Encourage him to pursue his interests and be himself, but don't push him into things you assume he will like just because he's gay.

However, don't be afraid to become Debbie Novotny (the main straight mom on Queer as Folk):

Your husband can be Officer Carl Horvath.

 

Thanks for being a caring mother. The number one thing you can do is be there for him. The number two thing is to recognize that he needs space to come out when he feels safe to do so. That's why it is a 100% moral obligation for you to maintain that confidence.

The more you make him feel safe, the more he will feel like he can tell others.

 

As everyone else has been saying, welcome to the site, and I hope you like it here! All the best to you and your son.

Life can be hard, it's true, but to be honest if he has his mother behind him like it sounds you are, that's half the battle - or more of it, even. With family like that he can handle whatever comes his way - and it doesn't have to be in San Francisco, either. In fact, I've heard that, legally speaking, Minnesota can be pretty good for gay and lesbian people and couples - I don't know the specifics, but at least things might be a lot better than you'd think.

Not being able to talk about it is hard, I'm sure - in a way though, even this could bring you closer to your son, since I'm sure he's felt this way before too. But now you have each other, and it will only get better from here! In the meantime, please do come back to post as often as you like - everyone will be happy to lend an ear.

 

As I'm sure you know, guys being friends with girls, doing hair, playing with girl toys, etc. Are not absolute signs of being gay. Of course, some gay guys do this growing up, like your son did. You're a wonderful mother to love him for who he is, it is unfortunate, but some parents who see their son acting in such a way would punish him to make him "more manly." It's good that you didn't go that route.

Saying that it felt "more real" when he told you. Absolutely! My mother told me the same thing. She said she suspected that I might be gay since I was a kid, around eight or nine (about the time I also started realizing it - but didn't even know what gay was lol). However, when you come out it does make it "more real". You have all sorts of fear surrounding your son being gay, because you know what type of world we live in, and now that he's told you - all of those fears are confirmed.

Trust me, you're not the only one who goes through this. So many other parents who suspect their children might be gay go through the same thing - my own mother included.

Your son crying as he tells you that he is gay is perfectly normal. I think most people cry when they come out to their parents, it's a result of years and years of shame and fear that has been built up. Shame is the fear of loss of connection. He was afraid that you might not love him anymore, or that you might have some negative reaction. It's all perfectly normal. It's a huge weight to carry on your shoulders, to hide your true identity from others. Since he is more feminine than most other boys, he's likely been teased, harassed, and been bullied for people perceiving him as gay most of his life. This makes it even harder for him.

You should respect your sons wishes about who he wants to know and who he doesn't want to know. Coming out is a deeply personal and difficult thing. Especially as he works toward getting more comfortable with who he is, and he needs to be ready to tell people on his own terms.

When you both are alone, one thing you can do is talk to him about it. See if he'll open up and just talk about how he's feeling. Now that he's out to you; you have the chance to show your unconditional support and love. You said you moved to get closer to a lesbian couple you know. If your son has a good relationship with them as well, and he feels comfortable with them, you might ask if he minds if you talk to them.

While not all LGBT people are perfect, most understand the importance of keeping someone's secret. He might not mind them knowing, provided they won't tell anyone, and this can give you a place where you can vent your feelings and get support. They will also be in a position to talk to your son about the experiences they had, and help him not feel so alone. It will help him work through his feelings.

The larger his support network, the better off he is.

As for PFLAG, this is a wonderful idea, but I am not sure how you are going to attend those meetings without your husband finding out. However, that doesn't mean you can't call them and ask for support and advice. I'd talk to your son about it before you do it. This is something that is personal to him, and this is something that you'd want to do together.

Finally, I think getting him counseling would be a great idea. However! A note of caution. When you are looking around for someone to help your son, you're going to want to find someone who is sympathetic to LGBT people. There are some therapists out there who believe in conversion therapy, which is harmful to LGBT people - they try and change them from gay to straight. This practice is condemned by the American Psychological Association, because it doesn't work and it is physiologically harmful.

So, shop around, and don't just go for the first person you find. Also, see if it is something your son is willing to do. He might not want to do it, and while I do think it would be helpful to him, I don't think he should be forced into it. Talking about being gay can be difficult, and even if he doesn't see a professional, at the end of the day he has you.

He might find it difficult to talk to you at first, because talking about it can be hard. You shouldn't push too much, but give him the opportunity to open up. Let him know how much you love him and support him, and that you're always there for him when or if he's ready to talk.

 

You are a wonderful mother. Thank you for loving your son for his true self.

The fact that he has come out to you, apparently as one of the first people he's told, means that he feels very close to you and that he trusts you. You must be doing very well as a parent.

Some others have mentioned the grieving process, which we and our families go through to reach acceptance of our sexuality. You can read more about that here: Stages of Grief.

We have had a couple other mothers on here recently. You can read their threads, also: Lesbian Daughter Coming Out, Should I Tell My Son I Know He's Gay.

You can also refer your son here to Empty Closets, if you like. This community is excellent at helping young people through the coming out process.

Having your support and love will help him enormously with his self-acceptance and his sense of self-worth.

Do you know if he's told anyone else at all?

 

I second Ianthe's suggestion to encourage your son to come here. He's of course more than welcome, and can draw upon the depth of the support and advice of this community.

As for PFLAG Chapters in Minnesota, I'm pretty sure you've already checked out this page.

I'm pretty sure you can also contact the PFLAG Chapter in the Twin Cities. They should know of any nearby PFLAG Chapters, and my guess is that they are probably the largest.

 

Hey I know someone above mentioned it but you can get him to join EC, if you dont want him to see that you were asking for advice about him then the moderators can remove this thread, you can both be members.