It warms my heart knowing that the value of my sanity is less than or equivilant to nothing. I really don't NEED to socialize. I don't HAVE to see my few friends. Or my extended family. Or my other brothers. In truth, only the happiness of a four year old child is important. God forbid I be allowed to have any joy in places other than on the computer or buried in a book. Sorry Goat, you are not allowed to spend time with old friends you've not seen for almost a year. No, you may not go for a walk with your girlfriend. And NO, you may not leave the sight of your step father without your occasional need of peace and quiet being called "hiding". It is VERY hard to keep a positive attitude when I'm locked in a bloody cage and constantly being judged for every bloody mistake I make. I am in a constant state of paranoia that They will cut me off further. I have fits of pure, animalistic rage that I can only release through writing. They piss me off so much... Is it really too much for a 17 year old to be allowed to take a shower without the terror she's doing something terrible? I just want the verbal beatings and isolation to end!
Sorry, but are you reffering to your parents? If so, try talking to them about it. How long has this gone on?
About five or six years. At least she isn't beating my skull in anymore. I do apologize for my whining. It's just that the whole idea that I'm probably never going to see my father alive again was upsetting me and I haven't seen my friends in so long. I was looking forward to seeing people my age. I used to cut myself whenever I dared get my hopes up, but I've stopped that in fear I will be sent to an asylum and pumped full of chemicals. I've been having horrid attacks of paranoia at least 4 times a day, and that feeling of unease just won't fade away. I'm just scared that, now that school is done for the year, I will have nothing to think about other than my irrational fear that my parents will take away more. And I still feel that stupid, nagging, cold hatred of myself for liking women. I'm done. I'd say I hate whining, but if it were true I wouldn't be the big fucking baby I am. So I shall sit here and live happily ever after, reading my books, watching Monty Python and writin.
I need to stop letting my step dad get to me. Im apparently to socially inept to realize that he's just joking about all of this. It's not funny. Stupid Aspergers... How the hell am I supposed to know if he's just playing around or being serious? Either way I'm going to have a panic attack over it. .... Why am I even still posting on here?
Continue posting on here, Remy, because we're all worried about you. Don't give up. I have Asperger's too (mild, but enough to impair "proper social functioning"), and I know how it feels to be hard-pressed to deduce someone's real emotion. Unfortunately I can't offer any advice, but I just thought I'd let you know that we care about you, and not to give up.
